Purgatory revisited

Linda (her blog is "2nd Cup of Coffee") helped me to continue to ponder my post from yesterday. I think it's not so much that I want to be my beloved's "one and only", it's more that I don't want her to think I am imperfect in some way. The thing that "cuts me to the quick" is her words of disapproval of any kind. I will not elaborate, but she has a "gift" for saying just the "right" thing. So much so that I have taken a more "proactive" approach in some situations. Neither is very helpful - either her choice of wording, or my reaction. I blame myself mostly, because for her part it was the way she was raised, I mean a term of "endearment" from her parents is "You idiot". Not a term I would use, but it is pretty common in her upbringing, and my beloved tries really hard NOT to say such things. In my opinion I really over react, and it's mostly because an idol is being threatened in my life. In this case an idol of self. An idol of me wanting to be the one who she sees as the greatest thing since, well even before sliced bread. I also want to be perfect in and of myself. I don't like it when I'm wrong, I don't like it when I am the reason something did not go right. I am all full of patience and understanding (usually) when someone else screws up - but when I fail I fall pretty hard on myself. This is a glimpse of the "idol of self" - only God is perfect. I can work, and strive, but the very fact that sin is in the world (let alone my own sin nature) lends itself to making the perfect impossible to attain. We are to "work out our salvation", but in light of the cross, we cannot possible hope to achieve much success (at least not for very long) unless we look to the cross, we look and see what He has achieved, and what His grace has given, and then take up his cross and allow His grace to cover our lack. This is the idol that has been so prevelant in my life of late. So much so that my own sinful reactions have caused my beloved a lot of pain and confusion. Side note: I was reading about what a great time Susan was having meeting up with some blogging friends in Savannah, GA and it reminded me of the last time I had to visit my mother, outside of her hospital room, before passed away. I had taken my family down to visit her and my brother and his then wife (#2) for Thanksgiving and the long weekend. My mother had loved live music (of almost any kind), and especially Irish Folk music. She told us of a "great pub" in downtown Savannah, right on the water front, with good food and great music - so we caravaned all nine of us (my then family of four, my brother's family, and my mom) down to Kevin Barry's Pub and we had a great time. Sadly, less than a week later I was called back down to Georgia to see her one more time. By God's grace I was able to spend a few more hours with her and read to her from the book of Romans. When the burden of what we were going through was starting to get heavy my brother suggested we head back up to Savannah - which we did. Not to get drunk, but to revist the place we had such a good time at. That night will live long in my memory. If anyone who visits this little blog of mine is in Savannah, and enjoys live Irish music, and does not mind the atmosphere of a pub, I highly recommend Kevin Barry's Pub - really good food, and the music is just awesome. Verse for today: Luke 9:57-62, ESV As they were going along the road, someone said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” To another he said, “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” And Jesus [7] said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead. But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Yet another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.”