20180606

My Fallout76 notes

I have no excuse... and... no real plans to pick this back up on a regular basis... but I do still want to blog... the only way to do a thing, is to do it.

Anyway, the purpose of this blog post today is to put my thoughts about #Fallout76 out there, with a timestamp. :)




These are notes from the pre-notification
*** Please stand by ***
Confused Mug Man - walks by drinking out of mug, seems to be surprised that he walked in front of the camera
Thumbs Up - just a hand coming in from the side
Skyrim Shirt Whisper - man walks in wearing a Skyrim shirt, and "whispers" in the ear of the Vault Boy bobblehead
Ballon Girl - woman comes in and plays volleyballoon
Giant Plush Head - it's a giant Vault Boy plush
Man in NCR Short - walks in, checks watch like it is a compass, and leaves
Vault Boy Puppet - Vault 77 reference, puppet plays peek-a-boo, dabs, throws kisses at the camera, claps, waves
Vault Boy Puppet part 2 - waves, dabs,
Box of ballons man - man walks in with a box of ballons, and dumps them
Bobblehead complete note - "Hi u/rev Solo! Bobble Complete!
Vault Boy mask - someone in mask 'photo bombs' camera
Glitched Girl - Woman walks in, holding a can of something, but gets cut off Party favor blower man - man pops in, and blows party favor
8 Bit Boy - man walks in holds up an "8 bit" model of Vault Boy (First shown  around Fallout 4? Referencing the building lights part of settlement building?  Leaves it on screen.
Game of Thrones - person walks in with a Game of Thrones mask on.  Acts like he is sneaking, sees Vault Boy Bobblehead and acts like he is going to stab it, then stops, and gives a thumbs up to the camera
Pete Hines - pops on screen.  There is a Blue Vault-Tec cup next to the  bobblehead.  He holds a yellow one.  Pours something in to his cup from a hip flask, then offers some to the Bobbleheads cup.  Toasts, leaves, taking both cups.
Yellow Ballon removal -
Vault Boy put to bed - man wearing Vault Boy mask, using a Vault-Tec blanket as a cape, walks in lays the bobblehead down, covers it with the blanket,  places a Vault-Boy watch near the head - it is eventually set to 9:47, which coorilates to when the "bombs fell" in the Fallout universe.
Time set to 9:47, and they turn out the lights. - Man in Vault-Boy mask re-enters and sets the watch to 9:47.  Holds finger up in "be quiet" gesture.
Kiss Goodnight - Vault 77 puppet returns to give bobblehead a goodnight kiss. Yellow Balloon reappears.
Death Figure placed - figure placed by Vault 77 pupped.
Death Figure removed. - in reverse
Jump Scare- man in Vault-Boy mask just pops on screen
Todd Howard walks in - introduces the trailer as their next release.



*** Teaser Trailer ***
0:24 - Intro song - Country Roads, West Virginia
0:29 - Game date - 27 October 2102 (210210270634) 25 years, 3 days, 20 hours, 53 mintes, after the bombs fell (23 October 2077 at 9:47 AM)
 PipBoy set to Vault Radio
 On night stand
   PipBoy, Solo cup, Magazine, party hat
0:39 - Bed - Jingles the Moon Monkey doll, Hat (fedora), backpack, 2 pillows, Vault tech Blanket
 Under the bed - baseball, Toy Vault Tech Van, toolbox, another solo cup, another magazine
0:42 - On the floor slippers
 Wall has a sign that changes to indicate time of day (evening and morning)
0:43 - Pictures on the wall
 Folded towels on dresser
 Golf clubs and bag
0:44 - Scene change - now showing a coffee table:
 Board game - "Unstoppable S??N????" Five portraits of characters on the side
 Coffee Mug
 Book
 Dak Ho... bottle
 Background:
 on the right:
   Table with a bowl, lamp
 Box of folders on the floor
 Two chairs - one has a harmonica (?). the other a guitar leaning against it
0:49 - Bookshelf against the back wall
   Toys on the bottom shelf, books above
   Jackolantern, duct tape (?) more books
   More books, a Toy/model of a nuke, toy car (different than seen before)
   More board games, Blast Radius, unknown at this time, Rad Power (?) and what looks like a mystery, or spy, set of eyes
 Top - birdcage, camera, mouse type mask (?), Coffee pot
 Some sort of skull (hunting trophy)?
 On the wall - sign, Patriotic 1776-2076 Vault-Tec salutes America
   Vault 76 - the official Vault of the Tricentennial
0:49.5 - Scene change
 Plant on far right - floor lamp far left
 Entertainment center
 Bottom right: eyebot model, 2 books, small box
 Bottom center:  Chess board, magazine (Scout's Life), another box
 top center:  Spaceship model, 2 magazines
 Bottom left:  PipBoy bobblehead, Mr Handy Model
 On top:  Toy Jeep, soldier, and motorcyle; Color TV playing the Grand opening of the Vault (more below), Bottle and Cappy figures, model spaceship/rocket
0:52 - Bucket to left of entertainment center
0:55 -  Scene change - Trophy Case
 Performance award for 'Vault Hall Monitor'
 toilet shaped trophy,
 Best Looking Hair
 Excellence in Bravery Award
  "In recognition of the canned meat experiment.  You volunteered to eat when no one else would.  We are proud of you and glad you are not dead."
 Outstanding Achievement Award
  “In appreciation for your commitment and dedication to our isolation program - sacrificing many so some can live”
 1st Place Cup for ???
 There looks to be a large spider/insect on a hamper (?)
 Closet in the background, out of focus 
0:58 -  Scene change - Laundry room
 On top of washer and dryer:
   Abraxo Cleaner, Baseball, mason jars/cans, folded towels, toy of some kind, clipboard, basket with clothes, brush, iron
 Poster board in the background, a vault tech sign of some kind
 Giddyup Buttercup between washer and wall (?)
1:01 - bathroom:
1:01 - Scene change - Desk
 Circuit board, Fan, notebook, pen set, pencil, Nuka World mug, Owl (paper weight?), Terminal with a "you are invited" message, coffee pot/thermos,
 Desk lamp, 2 books
 Wall shelf: 2 books, Nuka Cola Truck, Clown like figure, several books
1:04 - Scene change - dining area(?)
   Floor lamp, Dog Dish, Floor Plant, Couch and rest in foreground, Table with two chairs, on the floor a toy car, on the table are two place settings (plates with food on them, silverwear, one cup overturned), magazine, lamp, salt and pepper shakers, another box Sugar Bombs box, wonder glue, blamco and cheese (?), Coffee tin, Oven mit, pot and lid.
 Scene of the Vault atrium through window
1:07 - Scene change - Vault atrium, common area. 
 An obvious post celebration scene
 Table off to side with refreshments (?), Welcome mat, Guide ropes, Pink Flamingo lawn ornament, 'Vault Boy' stand ups point the way out (?), large "Reclamation Day" poster on back wall
 Very small soccer field on bottom floor, tool box,
1:12 - Sudden perspective change - someone in Vault 76 Jumpsuit, putting on a PipBoy.  Timestamp is 27 Oct, 2102, 0641
1:20 - pictures end


*** Almost Heaven song - Original by John Denver in 1971, this is a 'cover'
of that song - explicitly says West Virginia
* Speculation has arisen that it is actually referring to Western Virginia.
* "But when the fighting has stopped, and the fallout has settled, you must rebuild."*
"In Vault 76 our future begins."


*** Fallout 3 Reference - Citadel terminal ***
"DC Area Vault Listings"
Terminal - "-Server 10-"
* Equipment Issuances:
 Vault 76 Information
 Vault number...
  76
 Starting Construction Date...
  February 2065
 Ending Construction Date...
  October 2069
 Total Number of Occupants...
  500
 Total Duration...
  240 Months
 Computer Control System...
  Brainpower 4
 Primary Power Supply...
  LightLife Geo-Thermal
 Secondary Power Supply...
  General Atomics Nuclear Power
 Non Standard Equipment...
  None
* Personnel Assignments
 Vault 76 Goal Summary
 **************************
 Vault 76 is one of our seventeen control
 Vaults.  It will operate exactly according
 to the plan dictated in the marketing
 material produced by Vault-Tec and
 precisely to resident expectations.  This
 vault will open automatically after a
 period of 20 years and the residents will be
 pushed back into the open world for study in
 comparison to the other experiments.
* Project Goals
 ACCESS RESTRICTED


*** Mothership Zeta DLC (Fallout 3) ***
Recorded log 13:
*** Interrogation of a Vault-Tec (Giles Wolstencroft)
* "Hey now.  No need to get yourselves worked up.  Whatever
you need, I'm going to tell it to you.
* Alien gibberish
* "Well, I'm pretty sure you want me to talk into this thing,
so, here goes."
* "My name is Giles Wolstencroft... I'm the current Assistant
Chief Executive Officer of the Vault-Tec Corporation."
* "I was inspecting the construction site of Vault 76 when I
was captured by what I can only assume are alien beings
from another world."
* "I'm not sure what they want from me, or what they will do
to me, but whatever they need, I will readily provide."
* "Perhaps if I can bridge our communication gap and
establish a rapport with them, we can enter into an
exclusive trade agreement."
* "In fact, instead of talking to this damn machine, I'm
going to attempt to address them directly."
* "On behalf of the Vault-Tec Corporation, I'd like to extend
a heartfelt welcome to you.  Wait... you don't need that...
wait!  WAIT!"
<<>>



*** Fallout 4 ***
* News anchor in the beginning
* "Turning to business news of the day.  Vault-Tec stock continues to rise as tensions with China reach an all time high. With the world poised on the brink of war, Vault-Tec is reporting a record number of reservations in Vaults around the country. Vault-Tec announced a continuation of their popular "Welcome Home promotion. They report openings are still available in area Vaults 81, 111, and 114.
* "Since debuting Vault 76 last year, in honor of America's Tercentenary, Vault-Tec continues to expand with plans for well over 100 Vaults around the country."
* Greenbriar radio signal - Received after extending Radio tower 3SM-U81.  The radio bunker is located on the west river bank, hatch is hidden in some bushes.  "Please, anyone - help us!  We're stuck in an old bunker next to the river.  Those things are crawling around up there... we're trapped!  If you can hear this just... kill those things and get us out of here.  Please, we're running out of food.  I'll give you whatever you want.  This has been a pre-recorded message. Message repeats in three seconds."
http://fallout.wikia.com/wiki/Radio_tower_3SM-U81
http://fallout.wikia.com/wiki/Greenbriar_radio_signal





*** Oxhorn timeline comments: ***
59 Years before Fallout 1
35 Years before the 'Master' began to mass produce Super Mutants
22 years before Randal Clark dies while staring at the stars of Zion Canyon
8 years before the Institute is formed in the Commonwealth
1 year before the 'Master' was successful with his experiments
In 2102:
Richard Grey discovers the Mariposa Military Base and discovered
the FEV virus, and was accidentally turned into the 'Master',
began to test the FEV of humans


*** Items to research: ***
* Brainpower 4
* PipBoy Mark 2
* Commonwealth divisions - specifically the DC area
* LightLife Geo-Thermal
* General Atomics Nuclear Power
* Battle Cry
* Ark


Research results:
* Brainpower is a vault computer control system maker.
Most likely not significant
http://fallout.wikia.com/wiki/Brainpower
* PipBoy Mark 2
Most likely not significant
* Commonwealth divisions:
Columbia Commonwealth is only Maryland and Virginia
Eastern Commonwealth includes New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Deleware, and West Virginia
Note:  Fallout 3 primarily takes place in the Northern part of the Columbia Commonwealth, with 'The Pitt' taking place in the western edge of PA, in the Eastern Commonwealth
Note:  Bethesda has no problem crossing Commonwealth borders.  At least in Fallout 3.
http://fallout.wikia.com/wiki/Columbia_Commonwealth
http://fallout.wikia.com/wiki/Eastern_Commonwealth
* LightLife Geo-Thermal
Most likely not significant
* General Atomics Nuclear Power
Most likely not significant


*** Game references/comparisson ***
* DayZ - As a survivor, the player must scavenge the world for food, water, weapons, and medicine, while killing or avoiding zombies, and killing, avoiding, or cooperating with other players in an effort to survive the outbreak.
* Rust - Seems to have a lot of elements that Fallout 4 has in settlement building.


*** Considered reliable resource information ***
* Kotaku - Jason Schreier - developed in both Bethesda MD, and Austin TX, Bethesda bought a company called Battle Cry Studios, that was developing a game called 'FPS - Battle Cry '
Not strictly single player
Online capacity - not MMO
Additional sources- Fallout 76 is an online game.
Just as story focused as any other Bethesda Studios game.
Might have multiplayer and base-building.
Yes - Fallout76 is going to be multiplayer RPG.
No that is not automatically a bad thing.
***  Online Survival RPG  ***
Three sources - likely within 'ranks' heavily inspired by games like 'DayZ' and 'Rust'Quests, and a story


*** Lyrics of "Almost Heaven" ***
Original is by John Denver
Almost heaven, West Virginia
Blue ridge mountains, Shenandoah river
Life is old there, older than the trees
Younger than the mountains, blowing like a breeze
Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia
Mountain mamma, take me home
Country roads
All my memories, gather round her
Modest lady, stranger to blue water
Dark and dusty, painted on the sky
Misty taste of moonshine, teardrop in my eye
Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia
Mountain mamma, take me home
Country roads
I hear her voice in the morning hour she calls me
Radio reminds me of my home far away
Driving down the road I get a feeling
That I should have been home yesterday, yesterday
Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia
Mountain mamma, take me home
Country roads
Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia
Mountain mamma, take me home
Country roads
Take me home, down country roads
Take me home, down country roads


*** IGN thoughts ***
* Re: an online shooter - "we don't know for sure"
* Some good points about survival - open vault, not conducive to multiplayer beyond
a certain point.


*** Of note (to me): ***
* Both the Blue Ridge Mountains, and the Shenandoah river, flow along the Shenandoah Valley, which is Western Virginia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shenandoah_River
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Ridge_Mountains
* Solo-style cups seen in the trailer
* Moonshine, well.... :)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moonshine
* Noclip has already announced a "Making of" video for a behind the scenes of Bethesda
* Available for Pre-Order on Amazon already.  Release date listed - 31 Dec 2019


*** My thoughts ***
* Bethesda is "Mod Friendly", Loves to give character personalization, freedom to choose whatever you want, World exploration.
* Back and forth on being 'open ended'
* Caps will most likely not be the currancy of choice
* All factions known so far, will most likely NOT be in the game with the possible exception of the... Enclave
* I like that this is in a new environment
* Pre-order already available, game will be released this year...?
* Greenbrier resort, Government Fallout Shelter - Eclave?
* Washington & Lee University
* VMI
* Thomas J. "Stonewall" Jackson
* WVU
* Jackson's Mill
* Winchester
* Roanoke
* Luray Caverns
* Martinsburg
* Harper's Ferry
* Charleston
* Appomattox
* Repetitive leaks of it being 'base building'
* Valley Campaign
* I think the variety of the type of game play, helps sustain the franchise
* Fallout has a lot of collectables, i.e. bobbleheads, mini-robot things, etc.
* Date on the PipBoy could be a dweller just now leaving, or has returned to
get more supplies, or something else.


*****  Speculations  *****

*** Juicehead - "leaks" ***
* Jason Schreir - multiplayer, online, Bethesda and Austin.  Not an MMO. Not a single player RPG.  Experimental release.  Quests and a story.  Heavy on base building.  Survival multiplayer.  Comparison to ARK survival.
* Crecente - heavily base focused
* 4chan - open world, improvised weapons, and base building centered.  Scavenger from the surface.  Co-op but NOT MMO or Rust-like.  Based along an interstate (I-81, or I-64?).  Still an RPG.  Upgraded FA4 creation engine.  Strong emphasis on building and improvised weapons.  Will come with Phone App.  NOT Rust like.  Voice protag is back.  6 factions.  3 are "notable". 
* Bethesda responses - Matt Frar:  My eyes rolled so hard, my eyes fell out.
Pete Hines: Stick to just the info from Bethesda.  Dennis Mejilones:  smoothing

20170201

Shades of the truth

"Truth should always be uttered no matter what the consequences. Nothing so degrades a man as equivocation and deceit. When I am in company with a double-dealing man -- one who has one language on his tongue and another in his heart -- I am involuntarily made to avoid him as I would a poisonous reptile." ~ President John Tyler
I am confident that most who come across this blog will have heard the 'proverb' that, if you tell the truth, you won't have to worry about forgetting anything.  I feel that even, 'little white lies' can degrade a listeners trust of the speaker.  Communication has been hard for me for as long as i can remember.  This has made things really difficult when i tell the truth.  Often, there are better ways to communicate the truth.

-=-=-=O=-=-=-


20161101

The Cross is the main thing

"When we walk without the Cross, when we build without the Cross, and when we profess Christ without the Cross, we are not disciples of the Lord. We are worldly. I would like that all of us, after these days of grace, might have the courage - the courage - to walk in the presence of the Lord, with the Cross of the Lord: to build the Church on the Blood of the Lord, which is shed on the Cross, and to profess the one glory, Christ Crucified. In this way, the Church will go forward." ~ Pope Francis I
I am a "Protestant".  That is, i am not a Catholic.  I am not anti-Catholic, i just do not agree with a lot of the views of the Catholic church as a whole, so, this will NOT be a denominational bashing post.  If this is what is what you, dear reader, are seeking, please continue on, as it will not be found here.

This was a quote i found, just after Pope Francis I was made the Pope of the Catholic church.  While there are things i disagree with the Catholic church on, this quote by the current Pope shows that there are a lot of things that align most of the denominations of the Christian church.

The cross is THE focus of Christ's ministry on the earth.  His birth brought Him from Heaven.  His life paved the way to make His crucifixion relevant.  Hos death paid the penalty.  His resurrection defeated death.  His testimony and ascension back to Heaven showed His true home.  Everything the Christian does is in response to the cross.  There is nothing a Christian can do to earn what Christ has done.  Nothing that a Christian can do to add to what Christ has done.  There is nothing that the world can do that can take away what Christ has down.  The cross is the very foundation open which our faith is built. 

Preach Christ crucified.  Proclaim WHY He was.  Do not withhold, or soften, or... take away from sharing these things.  It will not always be accepted... even by those of us who profess Christ, in our daily lives... but, just because the truth is not accepted... does not make it any less truth.

-=-=-=O=-=-=-


20161027

Greetings my fellow disciples, my fellow samurai in Christ

I have been... AFK, from my blog, for all intents and purposes, for quite a while... i am too self conscious to even look back and see for how long (and not counting my 'blips' here and there).  This post will be an "update", and explanation, and hopefully... an idea of where i will be going forward, for now.

OK... the past... "my beloved" left me.  It's hard to explain... and, i have had a role in my own failures, and short comings.  I will not extrapolate as to what happened... that is a private matter, and i do not want to slander, or possibly misrepresent what went on - for either of us.  For my part, i am willing to share, but i am concerned of where the 'line' might be, and in the end, we live in a fallen world.  The troubles are probably a large reason as to why my blogging slowed, etc., but, God is always good, all the time.  I have begun emerging from the valley.  And, from the perspective of my blogging entries... this will come across as sudden... but... God has brought a new woman into my life.  We are both seeking healing for our pasts, as we walk out what God might have for us.  I need to come up with a new... moniker for her, as i prefer to not use real names here.  Stay tuned for that. 

The present.  I have been doing a lot of 'purging'.  Truly.  Furniture, pieces parts, old Tupperware without lids, etc.  This has been including a review of memories, etc.  It also included a review of my quotes from Facebook... i found out that i have 125 quotes!  This has given me an idea...

So, moving forward... for now.  I think i will be using those 125 quotes, which grows in length at varying paces over time, as well as the 7-5-3 picture. :)  However, i have also learned that, real life exists.  I have to ensure i keep up with adulting (i am a single father, for real now).  My career also needs more of my time and attention.  So, i will only try and ensure of a single post per week.  If i am able to get more out, i will do so, but, for now... :)

For those reading this entry.... thank you.  May God richly bless you - not for reading this, but that He lives in you, and you seek Him with all of your heart. 
"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on.  Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap not gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not of more value than they?  And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?  And why are you anxious about clothing?  Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.  But if God so clothes the grass the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?  Therefore do not be anxious. saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.  But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:25-24, ESV

-=-=-=O=-=-=-


20160202

7-5-3

I really have a LOT more to post than just this image... but i have a lot of "personal real world issues i am working on, but... in my opinion, this needed to be shared right away....

20150929

I've got nothin'

Even before the frequency of my posts began to wane... i had realized that i was struggling with depression... if there are still those around who used to read this blog before, probably already know this.  What i had not realized was... just what a toll it was taking on those around me.  Yes, i was suffering with depression... but i was dragging those around me, down as well.

Right now, my brain is foggy, so... this will not be as coherent a post, as i would like, but i feel compelled to write anyway... like i've said elsewhere... this blog is mostly for myself... but... if it can be used for others... thus, i share it on-line.

I began seeing a new therapist this past April.  My beloved had been begging me to start going again for a while, and my own pride kept telling me that i was fine (again).  Well, this therapist is a magnitude better than my previous one... shortly into our sessions, she recommended that i talk to my doctor about possibly changing up some of my depression and ADD Rx's, which i did.  Wow.  Within just a few days of weening off of the old depression Rx, and onto the new one, i noticed a difference.  It would take two or three weeks to stabilize, but i honestly felt like my eyes had opened for the first time in... well, longer than i could remember.  Unfortunately... i also saw what damage i had wrought in my own marriage as well.  Unfortunately... the "Big D Thelma and Louise car" was at full throttle heading towards that cliff.

I am blessed that my therapist is a Christian, as are the others at the same practice.  I began experiencing panic attacks, and a few other depression symptoms, but, i continued to work with my therapist, and trying to open my eyes more, to learn more, to hit the brakes, but i was no longer in control (as if i ever truly were).

This past summer (2015) has been a roller coaster ride, to say the least.  Then, after an angry outburst by me (not my first in our marriage i am ashamed to say), my beloved had finally had enough, and told me as such.  She asked me to leave the house so that she could have space.  I will not lie... it felt like i was experiencing seppuku... like a long sharp instrument had been rammed up through my stomach into my heart.

For a time, i flailed, and "reached out" to anyone, and everyone, i could think of... well, not everyone, but... a lot of people.  All of them, to a (wo)man, told me that... this is what i had to do.  I had been mentally abusive to my wife, and of i wanted ANY chance of saving my marriage, it would be best.  I really did NOT like that idea... and i attacked it any which way i could.  I even had outbursts at my longtime friends... who were only trying to help me and my beloved, and our marriage.  To put it mildly... this was not 'samurai' at his finest.

Finally, i honestly felt a whisper in my mind... "trust me"... and, in much pain, i did move out.  I remember entering a date into my Facebook messenger, to myself, the day my beloved said that she wanted to talk... it was just moments before my angry outburst that had kicked the final leg out from my weak-sand-construction of a marriage.  Since then, i have deactivated my Facebook account, in honor of recommendations to do so, as i honestly do tend to share too much - without consideration of my beloved's feelings, or desires. I have also deactivated my other social media accounts, which i really didn't use anyway.

A month prior to my angry outburst, i had heard words from my beloved that i thought i would never hear... i will not share them here... but, they cut me to the core.  Now - while she was the one saying these things, and "causing" me pain, it had been years of neglect from me, her husband, the one to whom God had entrusted the hand of His daughter to love, honor, cherish, protect... and this was the culmination of years of failure on my part.  While my beloved has participated in this long spiral... this blog is about me... and i am owning up to my failures, and not to point out hers.

If anyone is still reading this, the outlook seems bleak, does it not?

But, this 'samurai' is in the service of the greatest Lord in all of history.  The Lord Jesus Christ, his Father, and the Holy Spirit.  Within a day of my terrible outburst, i felt a peace re: something my beloved had shared.  Despite a long struggle with paranoia in the regards to the subject... in regards to knowing, and sensing, just how far my beloved had pulled away (again, precipitated by my neglect towards her)... i just had a peace.  Many fellow Christians will know what i am talking about... it is possible that some non-Christians too... but, i do not know for sure.  So, when the "invitation" to "step aside" finally came the next day... while i was, and still am in many way, in severe emotional pain... i was at peace with a really "big rock".  I'd like to say that i had learned my lesson and immediately repented... but, it has been (only) three long weeks since i began staying elsewhere.

Since then, i have continued my therapy... sometimes as much as four times in a week.  What can i say... this 'samurai' is a severely broken piece of work.  I have finally swallowed my pride regarding my Aspergers, my depression, and ADD, and submitted a "request of accommodations" with my employer.  I am fortunate, and extremely blessed, that those whom God has placed around me, already know of my 'quirks', and have already worked with me.  The only reason i did that was... this separation has been extremely taxing on me... talk about being "stretched" by God.

I've started journaling (pen and paper - chicken scratch mostly), actually joined a gym, will be trying Yoga (because i really swallow up my frustrations, and it is taking a toll on my body from within), and had my eyes open to just how much i need to work on.  In the past... this would have overwhelmed me... but, in the past three weeks... i have experienced another peace descend upon me.  One about my marriage.  God has allowed this apex crises to arise, so that it would be addressed, and addressed in full... not in a patch work fashion.

While i still want this to all be fixed now... God has allowed me to see just how "broken" i really am... how "fearfully and wonderfully made" i am... how broken my beloved is (both because of me, but because she is her own person, in her own way as well)... and how He is working through all of this.  Through all of the weeping... the pride... the pain... through a severely damaged marriage... through two broken people... and the friends He has surrounded them with.

I am still staying at a hotel at present, but my beloved and i are talking.  We are both in (separate) counseling.  And while we have a long road ahead of us... the light at the end of the tunnel, does not look like an oncoming freight train.  A word of self caution though... this 'samurai' is still fully capable of screwing it all up... but...

God willing... more to follow.

(I had, and have, a lot of scripture references that came to mind, but, this is not as well thought out, and i've not taken as much time as i would have preferred... but... hopefully, i will be taking more time to be more thorough moving forward.)

A P.P.S. - also came to mind... this past weekend, was the 24th anniversary of the day i met my beloved... not a fun memory to recount while apart from her... but, it was also a day of reflection... i am looking forward to walk through the healing with God, and my beloved (in time)...

-=-=-=O=-=-=-


20150917

Just Be Held

For many reasons, most of them of my own causing, i am currently... exploring the darkest valley i have ever walked... my therapist shared this song with me... i thought i would "share it forward".


JUST BE HELD


Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you’ll find Me
And where you are, I’ll hold your heart
I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go