Trying to "Dial it in"

I am having an "off" week.  This is actually normal for me.  The reason it is "off" and not "routine", is because no two weeks of being "off" are the same.  For me, life is like trying to work a studio grade mixing board.  Like the one pictured here... only, even more 'in depth'...every week, every day, sometimes minute to minute, i try and adjust how i am interacting with the world.  I only know superficially how a mixing board works.  Essentially, each slide lever controls a sliver of frequency.  When the technician knows how to adjust each one, it makes for beautiful music (i.e. sound quality).  The "trick" is knowing how each slide interacts with the others, and how to make them work in harmony.  For me, each lever controls sensory input.  Light, sound, air temperature... how i read body language, vocal inflection, am i able to discern between the lines, all the while interacting with previous interactions with whoever, or whatever, it is i am dealing with.  On many days, i am able to keep it "within parameters", mostly.... but often, things begin to go out of whack and i am just not able to adjust the "levers" fast enough.... which leaves me feeling overwhelmed.  How to explain it... ?

For me i am not only trying to process environmental input, but situational, relational, personal processing, contextual, correct for known influences, distractions (aka the shiny bouncy ball), all the while fighting thoughts of ineptitude, inadequacy, concerns about accuracy of presentation, my own body language, vocal inflections, and word choice, wanting to interject or redirect.  For most people, this all happens instinctively.  I don't get that... i really don't.  Now, interlace all of this with a thought process that rarely, if ever, completely shuts off.  I can be thinking about the conversation i am having with person "A", while making a connection with a thought of process "G", and then also linking something completely unrelated to the immediate situation, but relative to something else i was working on earlier in the day, or week, or month.  I have often had a conversation with my beloved, where she will say, "what do you mean?", and i find myself re-evaluating the last several minutes of conversation, and i will always repeat the exact same thing i just said.  Why?  Because that is how i communicate.  If there were proficiency levels in sarcasm and innuendo, i would probably be at low level.  I say what i mean, and i mean what i say - and that is how i interact with the world around me.  That is my "default" setting if you will.  Now, in my 40+ years of learning to adapt and process, i am able to contextualize situations within "known" parameters.  Does this person use sarcasm?  What are their life experiences that they have shared?  I can sometimes (not as often as i would like to think i can) adjust my "settings", so that i know how to act appropriately.  I have learned that, my intense desire to learn how to play the Elf Whistle (Tin Whistle - but made of wood), to read and to speak Sindarin Elvish, or desire to play and share all i know about Shadowrun, is almost always (i.e. 99.99% of the time), NOT appropriate to talk about.

How i feel (pictured to the right) is how i see myself most of the time.  My overwhelming effort to just interact with the world around me... and no... this is not an exaggeration.  I am at conflict with my instincts, with my own desires, my own emotions and thoughts, constantly.  The great thing is, i am not sharing this to complain about it.  I am sharing it to give thanks for it.

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." (Psalm 139:13-16 ESV)

Not only does God's word tell me that He made me, that He saw me before i was even born.  I may not be 'perfect', but He uses ALL things to reveal His glory: "Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him." (John 9:3 ESV) God has surrounded me with incredible friends, and my beloved, who "get" me.  While they may not understand me... they... still love and support me.  I can ask for nothing greater.

In many ways, my 'processor' is a blessing.  There are many 'knots' that look clear to me.  Paths that diverge and emerge, going this way and that... i don't get lost in the tangles, but i am able to see the way out the other side.  For me - that - is natural, and while i obsess over things like Elves and certain role playing genres, i also obsess over things like the character of God.  For me the decryption key to the Bible is the very nature of God the Father, His Son - my Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit.  God being perfect, cannot contradict Himself, He cannot violate His own character or nature... and i totally get that. His Law is perfect, His Love is perfect, He is omniscient (all knowing), He is omnipresent (everywhere, equally, all the time), he is omnipotent (all powerful).  So, no matter how much i struggle with keeping "dialed in", i know that He is already there.  He has already seen all of my imperfections, all of my sins - past, present, and future, and He is not surprised by my struggles, and He has watched over me... given me friends to "watch my back", who 'tolerate' me, who "get" me.  While i am not perfect, i am fully justified and yet, walking out my sanctification, and while, i have many deficiencies, He has provided for me... friends... a family... a career... i am in awe.

Wednesday Wickedness - 20110105

Hi and welcome to Wednesday Wickedness! We are like other memes in that we will ask you ten questions each and every Wednesday. But our little "twist" is that each week we will pick a famous person and pick ten of their quotes. Each of our questions will be based on the quotes. Got it? Great! Let's begin this week's meme!

I am thinking about picking this back up again, but instead of trying to get this weeks famous person's quotes out there on time... i have decided to be one week late.  This way i can take my time and be more consistent with my participation.  Not sure how Janera Jepson will think of this... but it is the only way i will be able to keep up. I hope she doesn't mind.

Today we picked Mark Twain. Here's Wednesday Wickedness!

1. A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

Do you let yourself off the hook easily?

No, not really.  I tend to be very "hard" on myself.  It's not because i think of myself as better than anyone else, it's because i am the only one/thing i can really control.  And even that i struggle against my own sin nature (see Romans 7).  I have observed that people will often shoot for the lowest common denominator in almost any endeavor - including myself, therefore i attempt to set the bar as high as possible in order that i may achieve the best possible standards.  I am not always good at estimating just how high that bar needs to be however.

2. A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

Do you think everyone lies?

Yes i do.  Not all the time, but take into consideration that if any detail is omitted, or changed in the slightest bit,in order to manipulate the perception of the listener, even in the slightest way, it is a lie.  Now, not everyone does it maliciously, but i do believe everyone lies.

3. A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

What was the last thing that you had to learn the hard way?

Wow... to be honest i am not 100% certain.  Unfortunately most of my life's lessons are learned this way. Um, i believe the most recent one, and this was not the first time for me either unfortunately, that before one changes an IP address it is best to connect to the device by another interface first.  So, maybe i haven't learned my lesson... so maybe that shouldn't be my answer then.

4. A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.

What types of things do you read?

Hmm... i read News articles (and no, not just about the Carolina Panthers), theological books (i.e. The Cross Centered Life, Reformed Theology, etc.), Science Fiction Books (i.e. Path of the Warrior, Guant's Ghosts, etc.), and various .pdf files regarding whatever router issue i might be working on - usually Cisco.

5. A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.

Have you ever thought about something that did not exist and later it was invented?

I am pretty sure i cannot take credit, or even insinuate, that i ever had such an original idea/thought/concept, etc.  I can see his point though.  LOL  Recently i have been reading a lot of articles about how innovative the original TRON movie was.  How it showed so many things that the non-personal computer world had yet to realize, let alone understand.  I think similar things were said about the original Star Trek back in the 60's.  "It was ahead of its time" i believe the saying goes.

6. Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

How well do you think that you observe people?

I am not a very good student of people.  I often miss the subtle clues, but i will take people at their word, and if they do not follow up - or what they have said is proved false,  i am hesitant to take them at the word again in the future.

7. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.

Have you ever used humor to diffuse a difficult situation?

I have, but i am not nearly as proficient as my oldest son, LONG-SHANKS.  He has a gift for being able to diffuse tense situations.  Often, a witty comment, or distracting remark can really help ease tensions.  But even so, it needs to be used with care... because often times, it can go the other way too.

8. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

How important is your age to you? Do you ever lie about it or refuse to reveal it?

I am not really mindful of my age.  I cannot do anything about it.  I cannot stop time.  It is what it is.  Every once in a while my beloved makes a comment, "only six more years until you are ___".  I usually have to think about it for a little bit.  In some regards it does matter though.  I do know that there are things that i used to be able to do as a lad... that i really shouldn't even begin to consider now. 

9. All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.

How important do you think confidence is? Are you confident?

Confidence is vital.  Too often a lack of confidence will kill a project before it even gets through the planning phase.  One thing is for sure... nothing can succeed unless it is attempted.  Now, having said all that... confidence is a major weakness of mine... i tend to lack it... a lot.

10. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Do you do everything you should to be healthy?

No, not really (he says as he pops another M&M and takes a sip of Dr Pepper).  I do try and avoid some things that are not good for me.  I try and limit the amount of pasta i eat.  I do try and avoid eating sweets all the time... and i try and limit myself to no more than one Dr Pepper a day.  Not perfect, but hey... that's me.

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Wednesday Wickedness - 20100729 (Thursday edition)

Hi and welcome to Wednesday Wickedness. We are like other memes in that we will ask you ten questions each and every Wednesday. But our little "twist" is that each week we will pick a famous person and pick ten of their quotes. Each of our questions will be based on the quotes. Got it? Great! Let's begin this week's meme!

Today we picked Mick Jagger. Here's Wednesday Wickedness!

1. “A good thing never ends.” Have you ever had a good thing in your life that never ended?

My marriage to my Beloved.  We are going on eighteen years, and they really are getting better as each day/week/month/year roll by.  God uses her in my life to help reveal sin in my life, He uses her to show me His care and love, she is my soulmate, my helpmate, my lover, my best friend, my best advocate, my confidant, she really is my bestest buddy in the whole world.

2. “I got nasty habits, I take tea at three.” Do you have an nasty habits?

'Nasty' is truly a relative term (from a human perspective).  It all depends on what you view as 'nasty'.  I do have some bad habits though.  I tend to not follow God with my whole heart, mind, and soul day in and day out.  8/  This in turn contributes to all of the other 'nastiness' in my life.

3. “I'd rather be dead than to be singing Satisfaction at 45.” He obviously changed his mind. What is something that you still do that you thought you' outgrow?

I thought i would have outgrown being as selfish and impatient as i am.  I am humming along, thinking i am doing really well and then BAM!

4. “Lose your dreams and lose your mind.” Have you lost any of your dreams as time went by?

Actually i have.  One was to be a Preacher/Teacher.  For many reasons, many still not fully known by this author, this is not one that has come about.  Overall i think this is a good thing because if it were to become a reality, i need to be more concerned with His glory being proclaimed, and not mine.  The other... i've wanted to know how to play an instrument, either the keyboard or Irish whistle or both, for as long as i can remember.  Life just conspires to defer this dream ever onward.

5. “I haven't had time to return to the scene because I never left it.” As you've grown older, what ways are you still act and think the way you did as when you were younger?

I have a really hard time thinking of myself as getting older, so i tend to not think about things long term.

6. “Patriotism is something that fades when the war starts.” How do you react to this quote?

I think most people don't really understand what it takes when it comes to 'drawing the sword'.  War is supposed to be the last resort when politicians fail.  "Supporting the Troops", in my opinion, means that helping give them the tools, the time, and the goals to complete the mission.  Thomas Jonathon Jackson (aka Stonewall) said it best, "The time for war has not yet come, but it will come, and that soon; and when it does come, my advice is to draw the sword and throw away the scabbard."

7. “The past is a great place and I don't want to erase it or regret it, but I don't want to be its prisoner either.” Is there a person in your life who still treats you as the same person to when your were younger? Do you like it?
I cannot think of anyone like that in my life.

8. “It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you pull yourself back.” Have you let yourself go in any aspect of your life?

My physical fitness.  When i was younger i loved to work out, i especially loved to run long distances.  As i've gotten older though i've not allotted the time that it takes to keep maintain it.  Now i have gained enough weight that it hurts to run now... But, my Beloved has purchased an eliptical for me to use... very easy on the knees... but again... i've not allotted the time it takes...

9. “My mother has always been unhappy with what I do. She would rather I do something nicer, like being a brick layer.” How do you parents feel about what you do?
My mother passed away in 2000, and i am not really sure what she thought.  My father approves (i am pretty sure), but again i am not really sure.

10. “Anarchy is the only slight glimmer of hope.” How would you categorize your political point of view?

I have always leaned to the "right", even when i was earning minimum wage and under-insured, etc.  But of late i am getting more and more disillusioned with the system of government here in the U.S.. Any system of government that is above the very laws that they pass for the general populace, and continues to spend beyond its means, and i could go on, needs some revamping in my opinion.  While it is not a perfect party, i am becoming more and more affiliated with the Tea Party of America.  This country at the very least needs a successful third (and maybe even a 4th) political party to truly balance out the power.

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Enough is never enough

This morning i was reminded that sometimes no matter how hard we try we do not always get things right. Our best efforts, our best intentions, no matter how motivated we might be it will never be perfect. Sometimes our intentions are not noble, they are mischievous. Sometimes our failures are mistakes. But in the end the result is the same. A perfect 'score' has not been achieved. Even the best efforts, the noblest intentions, have some taint of imperfection. "A little leaven leavens the whole lump." (Galatians 5:9, ESV) - it only takes a hint of selfish ambition, or pride, or covetousness, or any other form of sin, and the sin works it way through and taints the whole. "If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us." (1 John 1:8, ESV) There are two expressions that kind of bother me. The first one is that there is good in everyone. Good and evil are used in relevant terms. In one sense i could agree with this expression. When used in a human comparison point of view, yes this is possible. But when used in light of God's perfection this is not true.

"And Jesus said to him, “Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone." (Luke 18:19, ESV)

The second is giving "110%". This would imply that it is possible to give more than your all. By the very definition our "all" IS 100%. It is impossible to give more than that. The expression of giving "110%" would imply that the standard for "all" is a bar set so that everyone can achieve it and thus the person giving the "110%" was superior to all of the rest because (s)he was able to give more. Granted we are not all born with the same abilities. I will never be an Evangelist like Billy Graham, or an Apologist like Lee Strobel. In college i took Finite Math. At the beginning of the semester the instructor told us that he grades on a curve because it is rare for anyone to score higher than the upper 60's and he felt that it would be unfair to fail the entire class because they could not score high enough on his tests. Well, when the first test came back there were two in the class who score in the upper 90's while the rest of the class was in the Intrsuctor's anticipated range. When it happened again with the second test i thought the class was going to Lynch me and the other guy. Fortunately the Instructor saw this and informed us that he would exempt our two scores from the over all curve. Having said that i will still never be a mathematician like Albert Einstein. Our best is our best, and my 100% is not your 100% and vice versa. Today i am "suffering" with the fact that i am not perfect. I want to be perceived in certain ways. I have been known to 'exagerate' (i.e. lie) personal accomplishments in order to be better thought of by others. I like being thought of as the 'hero' in my home. The 'go to' guy in all things. I like the fact that others come to ask me things at work (i still think it ironic that i am asked to proof read things... especially since i never passed an English class past the first half of the 10th grade). But here's the kicker... when i fail to live up to some perceived standard (more often than not - my own) i get irritated, and too often it spills out on those around me. Such is the sin of pride. If you take such a train of thought out to its logical conclusion... isn't that what got Satan and his followers tossed down from Heaven? But the truth is we are to run the race as if to win it? (1 Corinthians 9:24) And at the same time realize that because of my own sin i will never achieve the perfect obediance that God requires... it is ONLY by His grace, His substitution that i am redeemed and made perfect it in sight. In the end i do receive the prize because of His initiation on my behalf.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. [2] The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling [3] the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." (2 Corinthians 5:17-21, ESV)

Early morning ramblings

Setting the "way back when machine" on circa 1990... i was reminded of my times on the sound crew of my first church this morning. Part of my duties at my current employer is being on-call, and from time to time i am actually called in the middle of the night! Can you imagine! (jk ) This morning was one of those deals. But that is not what this part of today's blog is about. Way back when i was a fairly young Christian the church i attended did not yet have a home of their own and in order to get ready for our services each Sunday a team of volunteers were needed to set-up/take-down all of the sound equipment needed. It was on a month long rotational basis. In order to be completely set up for the worship team to have a last minute rehearsal we met very early (my mind is saying 0500, but it might have been later than that) at a storage location where we had to load up two small box trucks (picture pickup chassis and not a 10-wheeler deal) and cart it to the High School where we met at, and get it all set up by 0800. I LOVED it! Back then i did not own my own car, but two very nice 'sisters' who also served on the crew would come and pick me up. These poor ladies were NOT morning people. Unfortunately for them... i am . I loved climbing up into the ceiling to help install the speakers. I loved running the cable to/from the sound board and the hookups. I loved the team work. I loved the hours. I LOVED the work! This past Sunday "my" Panthers went down again, but i was glad to see that the offense was greatly improved. Even up to the last play of the game. The Defense was unable to stop the Atlanta Falcons on 3rd down. Argh! I am only frustrated in the sense that they are my team and i want to see them win, but in the end it is only a game and i don't care enough to let it ruin my week. I was really happy that John Kasay kicked a 50 yarder. Just incredible that he is still booting them that kind of distance! I am not sure what i am sharing this next little tid bit, but it is sort of related to my previous mention of how i like Elves (can be read HERE). Way back when there was an independent Comic Book titled "Elf Quest". Being an "Elf Lover" and an avid comic book fan back then i was of course drawn to this title. Early on a very small background character was mentioned... Rain the Healer, he met an unfortunate ending but an enduring legacy in my little circle. This guy was not all that big of a character in the storyline. As a matter of fact, i am not sure he is even mentioned anywhere else except for two little panels early in the story. But it is the situation that stuck with us... and struck us funny in a twisted sort of way. He was the groups healer, their medic... and when the fat hit the fire he was the first to drop. Not good. Still to this day, over 30 years later i remember my friends and i joking every time one of our healers took a hit we would repeat the line, "His name was Rain, the Healer... and he was the first to fall!" It is weird what one remembers. I've been thinking about some of my on going temptations. Sins that continue to haunt me for lack of a better word. Every one of my brothers and sisters in Christ is in the same state, although we do not all struggle with the same sins. Some might struggle with pride, others selfishness, maybe it's greed. I bet if you were to meditate over the Ten Commandments you will find something your heart and mind struggles with. For me one is covetousness. I want want my neighbor has... i want the things that the Lord has not allowed me to have. Over the years i have struggled with porn as well. And it is for good reason because "enough, is never enough". In essence i am saying that what God has provided is not enough... that what He does not know what He is doing in my life. Last night my beloved and i watched a show called Hoarders. While i was appaled at the scale of these people's problem i could not say that i would never be like that. Growing up my own home (whenever we stayed in one place long enough) was similar. Even today i go through seasons when i just get the urge to buy things. By God's grace i am usully able to resist buying those things... especially things i and my family do not need. but not always. I had come to think of it as a thorn in my side, similar to Pauls's affliction in 2 Corinthians 12. Apparently i suffer from my own pride as well because it really isn't anything that 'deep'. My own "weaknesses" do not compare with all that Paul went through. By God's grace i am able to resist and grow and learn from temptations, but there are days when i long for when "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." (Revelation 21:4, ESV)

The writing process and other random ramblings

Have you ever heard a song, seen a landscape or picture and been inspired by it? Have you ever just been moved in a moment by something outside of yourself? Some of you may know that one of my hobbies is that i enjoy writing science fiction short stories ~ but more specifically, stories based in Games Workshop's Necromunda setting. Well, i've been working on what i call my 'novel'. It's really just an overly ambitious short story idea. Well, about two or three weeks ago i was researching for a part of the story when i stumbled across the picture to the left. I had in mind four 'major' characters ~ you know, with other minor ones coming into play in the background, etc. ~ but as soon as i saw this picture i completely rewrote one of them. In addition to having an affinity for the samurai of feudal Japan i have had a love of Elves since i was aware of their 'existence' within literature and fantasy settings. I am not referring to the little Sprite like elves, but those of the Tolkien ilk. So much so that while i was growing up, whenever i played a game with my friends - no matter what that game was - if it was possible to play an elf character 95 times out of 100 that was the character type i was going to play. My gaming nickname was "elf buddy" because of this... and my seemingly incredible ability (i.e. luck) to roll exactly what i needed no matter how long the odds where. Well, this guy here is what is known as an Eldar Ranger. He is the long range scouts for his kind, and conveniently he fit the bill of the archetype Nomad/Scout of one of the main characters. This picture, along with "Tulip's" encouragement of setting reasonable daily goals and my beloved's encouragement to "just do it", has sort of re-ignited my writing of late. Which i am very, very happy about. I do have one concern though. This guy is not the 'hero' of the tale... LOL Last week my favorite team in the whole world, the Carolina Panthers of the NFL, got their rear ends handed to them by the Philadelphia Eagles. It was reminiscent of the drubbing at the hands of the Arizona Cardinals in last years playoffs. Both of those games opened up with a really good drive, grinding it out on the ground culminating with a Touchdown, only for it all to get flushed down the toilet by turnovers. A lot of the blame has been put on the back of Jake Delhomme, and to a point deservedly so. BUT, this is a team sport and i was listening to this past weekend's game... some things i'd like to point out... 13 attempts to Mr. Steve Smith... 3 catches (some of those were bad throws... but these two have been such a tandem in the past...), on one interception the ball was tipped... on the fumble it was a screen pass and the defensive lineman had a clear shot to the QB and popped it lose... which was then returned for a touchdown. Those in the media are already calling for the firing of #17 with severe implications for Coach Fox. Both Coach Fox and Jake Delhomme have been the best in Panthers history... by a pretty wide margin. Now, past performance does not necessarily guarantee future results... but i think it is crazy that people are unhappy unless a team makes it to the championship game every year. I am still dreaming of a 9-7 season for my Panthers. Geaux Panthers! Yesterday i came across Josh Harris' blog and i saw that he blogged about Gollum and man's slavery to sin. I keep a statue of Smeagol on my desk at work. Not because i find it particularly attractive, or because i particularly like the character. I keep it on my desk because i see Gollum as the example of man's depravity... of our addiction to sin. But when i read Pastor Josh's blog on the subject i felt that he put it so much better than i ever did. I was going to quote him in full here... but i am out of time and space for today... i encourage those who stumble across this blog to think about this.