20140422

Trying to "Dial it in"

I am having an "off" week.  This is actually normal for me.  The reason it is "off" and not "routine", is because no two weeks of being "off" are the same.  For me, life is like trying to work a studio grade mixing board.  Like the one pictured here... only, even more 'in depth'...every week, every day, sometimes minute to minute, i try and adjust how i am interacting with the world.  I only know superficially how a mixing board works.  Essentially, each slide lever controls a sliver of frequency.  When the technician knows how to adjust each one, it makes for beautiful music (i.e. sound quality).  The "trick" is knowing how each slide interacts with the others, and how to make them work in harmony.  For me, each lever controls sensory input.  Light, sound, air temperature... how i read body language, vocal inflection, am i able to discern between the lines, all the while interacting with previous interactions with whoever, or whatever, it is i am dealing with.  On many days, i am able to keep it "within parameters", mostly.... but often, things begin to go out of whack and i am just not able to adjust the "levers" fast enough.... which leaves me feeling overwhelmed.  How to explain it... ?

For me i am not only trying to process environmental input, but situational, relational, personal processing, contextual, correct for known influences, distractions (aka the shiny bouncy ball), all the while fighting thoughts of ineptitude, inadequacy, concerns about accuracy of presentation, my own body language, vocal inflections, and word choice, wanting to interject or redirect.  For most people, this all happens instinctively.  I don't get that... i really don't.  Now, interlace all of this with a thought process that rarely, if ever, completely shuts off.  I can be thinking about the conversation i am having with person "A", while making a connection with a thought of process "G", and then also linking something completely unrelated to the immediate situation, but relative to something else i was working on earlier in the day, or week, or month.  I have often had a conversation with my beloved, where she will say, "what do you mean?", and i find myself re-evaluating the last several minutes of conversation, and i will always repeat the exact same thing i just said.  Why?  Because that is how i communicate.  If there were proficiency levels in sarcasm and innuendo, i would probably be at low level.  I say what i mean, and i mean what i say - and that is how i interact with the world around me.  That is my "default" setting if you will.  Now, in my 40+ years of learning to adapt and process, i am able to contextualize situations within "known" parameters.  Does this person use sarcasm?  What are their life experiences that they have shared?  I can sometimes (not as often as i would like to think i can) adjust my "settings", so that i know how to act appropriately.  I have learned that, my intense desire to learn how to play the Elf Whistle (Tin Whistle - but made of wood), to read and to speak Sindarin Elvish, or desire to play and share all i know about Shadowrun, is almost always (i.e. 99.99% of the time), NOT appropriate to talk about.

How i feel (pictured to the right) is how i see myself most of the time.  My overwhelming effort to just interact with the world around me... and no... this is not an exaggeration.  I am at conflict with my instincts, with my own desires, my own emotions and thoughts, constantly.  The great thing is, i am not sharing this to complain about it.  I am sharing it to give thanks for it.
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." (Psalm 139:13-16 ESV)
Not only does God's word tell me that He made me, that He saw me before i was even born.  I may not be 'perfect', but He uses ALL things to reveal His glory: "Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him." (John 9:3 ESV) God has surrounded me with incredible friends, and my beloved, who "get" me.  While they may not understand me... they... still love and support me.  I can ask for nothing greater.

In many ways, my 'processor' is a blessing.  There are many 'knots' that look clear to me.  Paths that diverge and emerge, going this way and that... i don't get lost in the tangles, but i am able to see the way out the other side.  For me - that - is natural, and while i obsess over things like Elves and certain role playing genres, i also obsess over things like the character of God.  For me the decryption key to the Bible is the very nature of God the Father, His Son - my Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit.  God being perfect, cannot contradict Himself, He cannot violate His own character or nature... and i totally get that. His Law is perfect, His Love is perfect, He is omniscient (all knowing), He is omnipresent (everywhere, equally, all the time), he is omnipotent (all powerful).  So, no matter how much i struggle with keeping "dialed in", i know that He is already there.  He has already seen all of my imperfections, all of my sins - past, present, and future, and He is not surprised by my struggles, and He has watched over me... given me friends to "watch my back", who 'tolerate' me, who "get" me.  While i am not perfect, i am fully justified and yet, walking out my sanctification, and while, i have many deficiencies, He has provided for me... friends... a family... a career... i am in awe.

1 comment:

lovinandliving said...

God is always certain to bless each person with at least one person who "gets" us. The question really is are you aware enough to notice when they are placed in our lives!