20061107

I am a selfish #$&@!*&

Well, I am. Last night my mood was horrible. And the the later it got the worse it got. It seems like I am losing my patience with things lately. Maybe it's mood swings. I don't know. The cap of the night was when my oldest comes into my room at 10:something to complain that the youngest is kicking him (I should say that she proceeded him in coming into the room). I just yelled at him. I told him that he needed to find another place in the room to sleep. (They were all camping out in the playroom since it was not a school night). Rewind a little... the two youngest are in the playroom and have staked out their areas and put in a movie. A little later the oldest comes in and plops down to watch with them. Movie is over and the lights go out... next thing I know they are complaining. It's not just things like that though. Our schedule is insane in my opinion. A minimum of 5 out of 7 nights - every week - there is something going on. This week it is a science fair project. Before it was soccer practice. Next week it's who knows what. I try and I try to say that I feel we are too busy, but the only things that get cut are things I would like to do. Go out with friends for dinner, or maybe actually attend one of the "believers" services (which I disagree with the concept, but I am not going to go there). Our budget is stretched pretty thin... so thin that we have drawn from our emergency funds for the past two years. Not every month, but fairly consistantly - and we've not been able to make any deposits to replace the money either. With recent health preasures and the things we are spending on for my #2 son (Aspergers) and the constant preasure to retire from the guard (eliminating 10% of the income) is driving me insane. I am not the best communicator in the world, probably not even in the top 50%, but I try. Sometimes it feels like it would be a whole lot simpler if I was not a Christian. Do not misunderstand me... I am NOT saying that I do not want to be a Christian. I am very glad to know the Lord Jesus Christ. If it where not for the Holy Spirit I would not be seeing all of the planks in my eyes. Instead of explaining, calmly, to my son that he was the ;johnny-come-lately' to the little party and that he needed to think more of his sister than himself - a perfect time for a life lesson to him, I lose it. All the while he's just standing there with a blank expression on his face as his father yells at him. All I can think of this morning is the damage I've done to my relationship with him. He's soon to be 11... I do not have all that much time left before I am diminished as an influence in his life. All of the activities we are doing are not for me but for the edification of my children and beloved. The two youngest goo to music classes, and I encourage my beloved to get out away from the children and with friends at least twice a month (if possible), but I want more time with her. I want more time to pursue the things I want to pursue. And yet I am called to lay down my life for my wife - as Christ has laid down His for the church. In the end all I can think of is how selfish I am. Updates: "Yarns" Verse for today: Ephesians 5 : 22-33, ESV Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. [1] In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

4 comments:

Bob said...

John, we all have our crosses to bear. Sometimes we are better at it than at other times. I think of all the mistakes I made when my children were growing up. But now my Son tells me I was great Dad. He remembers the good stuff and forgot the bad I guess. So don't beat yourself up too bad, we're all human and none of do anything perfect..........

Susan said...

I think we all have those moments where we hurl words that we WISH we could take back. Let your son see that you are human enough to ask for his forgiveness for yelling. That may be the BEST lesson you can pass on to him.

We DO get too busy. I think we sometimes do it in an effort to give our kids what we didn't have...and yet, sometimes what they really need is just time to BE rather than DO.

Praying for you....and your situation. I know that you will reap all the things you are sowing. Cling to Him and keep pressing on!!

samurai said...

Thaqnk you both for the encouragement. I am SO grateful for the grace of God and His provision.

Being Made said...

You aren't any more of a selfish anything than most of the rest of us goofballs on the planet....

The stress is high and you are human and His grace is there for you even when you feel like you're the biggest loser ever for yelling at your kids (and mine is only 20 months old, and believe me... it that puts you in the loser club then, I need a big L permanetly affixed to my forehead).

Hang in there, and be gentle with yourself. You ARE a good Daddy. You ARE a good husband. You ARE a good man.