Floundering Friday

This weekend was supposed to be one of recuperation from my beloved's surgery, but life never sleeps. A while back i mentioned that an "Aunt" had passed away and tomorrow is the memorial service. It is almost a four hour tour of the Shenandoah Valley - my most favorite place in the world. I am planning on a "day" trip - i.e. i get up, make the trip down, attend the memorial service, visit with family for a spell, and then hop in the car for the return trip. It will make for a long day, but one well worth it. I may not be 'tight' with most of my family (a failing on my part), but this woman made a real difference in my life. That summer with my cousins was a turning point in my life if you ask me. I still cherish the memories. So, even though i really need a long weekend with just my own brood, i need to make this trip. If for nothing else than to celebrate my "Aunt's" life and reconnect with family. Especially the cousins that made such a difference in my life. Tomorrow the Panthers will be heading to Miami for game 2 of the preseason. I never read anything into these practice games. But i do like to watch them when i get a chance. It gives me a sense of seeing how the players react, etc. Still, no one is moving really at game speed except the 2nd string and below. It's almost like the later in the game the more true effort you see. With the trip tomorrow i've tried to look up some of the radio stations between point A and B to see if i might be able to catch much of the game broadcast... do they even broadcast pre-season games? I know during the season i can get an AM skip station that i leave preset on my car radio. Sad, i know. My beloved has been downcast since her parents left. It's not because they left but because of how things ended, and i know i did not really help things all that much. It does not matter how right i thought my contributions might have been ~ timing is everything. We have a saying in the Artillery... once you pull the lanyard you can't bring the round back. It means you need to do all of your 'pre-fire' checks BEFORE you pull the lanyard... and i did not really do so well in regards to relating with my wife in regards to the situation with her parents. All i can do now is try and stay near... For me spiritually, i am going to be diving back into Romans. I feel like i can SO relate to Romans 7:

I was once alive apart from the law, but when the commandment came, sin came alive and I died. The very commandment that promised life proved to be death to me. For sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, deceived me and through it killed me. So the law is holy, and the commandment is holy and righteous and good. Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.

I have been getting down on myself for not being more disciplined. Like i should be able to just say what i am going to do and do it! It's not like i am have to assemble a team, devise a plan, and then assault a building. *sigh* and yet it's not even that simple. "No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy."

Racing around the circle of reasoning

For the past two days i've noticed something about myself... i am having trouble focusing on the tasks at hand. Some of it may just be that i got called into work in the middle of the night yesterday, but i've sort of felt this way before and me thinks i see a pattern. Yesterday i realized that i had forgotten to take my ADD meds the previous day and a half (since just before the in-laws left). Does anyone else find it funny that you have to remember to take a med that helps you focus and remember things? Isn't that like saying you have to paint the barn red, because the barn is red you need to paint it? Or something like that (i couldn't think of something more witty than that... sorry ). The kids will be starting school in the next week or so. What a pain for the parents too. We have to re-teach them to get up early, to make sure they get their homework done... stuff like that. DS1 is usually pretty good at self regulating, but DS2 starts middle school this year. It will be the first time he has had to switch classes and there will be a lot more homework. *sigh* Working with him on homework is like trying to self extract a tooth. Meanwhile DD3 has begun to self-teach. She has pulled out old workbooks and begun to practice doing homework, etc. Meanwhile she is getting excited about wanting to start up the Fall soccer games. She is very athletic but we just don't have the time and money to keep her involved in everything she wants to do... gymnastics, ballet, soccer, and horse riding. She has to make hard choices to pick and to choose. DS1 wants to run track this year, but we've been having a hard time getting any information from the school on it, and DS2 just wants to come home and do nothing (sort of). We try and keep them active without overwhelming the parents. The past week or two has been kind of refreshing. Not that i like to sweat, but it has finally felt like summertime around here. Temps in the 90's with high percentage humidity. I really don't like the dog days of summer, but it just hasn't felt like summer with temps in the 70's and mild humidity. When you've grown up in the Washington DC area there are just certain things you come to expect... and such weather is one of them. One thing that such weather usually brings is thunderstorms!, but even those have seemed mild this year. During my last Annual Training with the National Guard last year i had accidentally knocked over a small Ash Wood tree while moving into my unit's position. The CUCV had pushed it over to a 45° angle. Since i spent a lot of my time at the BOC when i was not out doing the 'beans, bodies, and bullets' part of being a First Sergeant, i went ahead and knocked it all the way over and cut it down to a comfortable walking stick size (just under my arm pit). Once i peeled off the bark (which was very easy, and very wet) and whittled down the raised portions i set it out to dry. The thing is amazingly hard. Since then i've gather up my old regimental crests, branch insignia, a set of Air Assault wings, and a Chaplin's cross. I need to finish sanding down the handle and polishing up the miniaturized brass, then get all the trinkets mounted. Once that is all done an nice thick lacquer coat. But i drag my feet so long. It's been sitting in my bedroom since the Spring! I am sure my beloved would like for me to finish it up and move it back out of the room. Maybe this weekend...

The Holiness of God

Late yesterday i went through all five short video's that i saw on Facebook by RC Sproul concerning the Holiness of God. Very good "stuff" to chew on. I had already planned to share them here today, but then life conspired that i should not get much sleep last night so i don't really have much more to share from my own thoughts... which is probably good as i can now stand aside and just let Mr Sproul speak...

Recovery

Last night i stayed up to watch the pre-season Monday Night Football game between the Carolina Panthers and the New York Giants. I am so tired my eyes hurt *chuckle*. For the most part i was not very happy with what i saw. The Giants were able to open holes large enough to drive a semi through without being touched, and the offense just couldn't move the ball very well. I am not giving up on the season, i am just not happy with what i was seeing last night. 9-7 is all i dare hope for this year. It is a meek goal on the part of a fan, and i know the official party line down at the Panthers training camp is they feel they can go all the way to Super Bowl XLIV, but let's be honest. The Panthers have never put together back to back winning seasons. For me... that is the next goal. The next is to win the division... then the Conference... then the Super Bowl. What an exciting end to a pre-season game though! It is only the pre-season though. Hope springs eternal! The in-laws have left as of this morning. They were extremely helpful watching over my beloved. Helping to get things done around the house, to include the repairing of two bathroom sinks, one dining room chair, the garage door opener, and all of the laundry dishes and meal making. It was immeasurable and i hope i conveyed that in my expression of thanks to them this morning. I have not been writing of late. Well, actually not since before the summer break began. As a result a lot of the ideas i had then are a little stale... and i even have ideas to change them up some. I still have the same five characters i had back then, but i am going to be changing one of them and adding one more. I still have all of my notes and outline... but i am trying to figure out how to incorporate the changes i want to make now. I also need to just get writing like my friend "Yeve". She has been typing up around 4,500 to 5,000 words a week! I am jealous and happy for her. Recently God has been bringing me through a "growing" season. I will not be more specific than that right now, but it has more to do with than just helping my beloved through her recovery from surgery. One thing remains the same though... i know of His faithfulness and i know that no matter how things play out in the next 5 days, 5 months, 5 years, and (hopefully) 5 decades, He will remain steadfast and that all things will work together to mold me into the image of Christ more and more. In closing i want to share a quote i read at a fellow 'Elf's' blog: "Know Scripture! How can one wield a sword poorly forged?" In essence we each are forging our own 'sword' in order to wield in our spiritual fight. It is forged as we read more and more into the Word of God. It becomes stronger the more we put our nose in His book, and suffers from neglect the more we avoid the things of God and His Word.

Music Monday - 20090817

There are times when i feel really, really small. This is a good thing because these are the times i am reflecting on the things of God. It is during these times when i am most aware of where i stand in relation to Him. That He is God and i am not. This is a good thing. There are times when i feel inadequate to sing praise to my God, when i feel like i can/should not even lift my face, let alone my voice, to Him. It's not just that i am a finite contemplating the infinite... not even "just" that i am a sinner in relation to a Holy and just God... it is because He is God and i am not. The former things also play a part in that... but it's not just that sometimes... and yet such is the reason Christ came to the Earth in the form of a man so that He could relate to man and even... me. That i could have fellowship with Him... that i could be restored to the Father... that i could dare to approach the throne of Heaven to sing... and sing... and that brings joy to Him. I love my song for today. I love when i hear it playing on the radio and i am seriously considering buying the entire album.

This Fragile Breath by - Todd Agnew Album - Grace Like Rain I searched the world for a song that I could sing Praise to my King, A gift that I could bring But no music I found could compare to You Not one could do Justice to Your glory What are my songs compared to Yours CHORUS: You speak with thunder and lightening Your voice shakes the mountains The foundations of the earth All I can offer is this fragile breath With each one I'll praise You With each one I'll praise You more I searched the world for a poem I could read A rhyme that would bring Glory to my King But no writing I found was worthy of This God high above all other gods What are my words compared to Yours CHORUS

Wacky, Wild, incoherant rambling Wednesday

It has been over a week since my last blog and there are way too many things i want to blog about and not enough time on my hands to coherently type them all out... so crazy ramblings will ensue... My beloved is recovering "well" since her surgery last week. Anytime someone cuts another open and removes and moves so much "material" you are bound to have some pain. She is up and moving around pretty much on her own, but still has some pain when certain things occur. After her follow up visit at the doctor's office yesterday we have been told that things are good. The pain will subside over time. As of this update there are only 5 days, 6 hours, until the Carolina Panthers season officially opens! Summer camp has been a little bit of heartburn for me. The loss of Kemoeatu on the opening day of camp was a pretty big hit IMO to the defense. I think the Panthers can adjust, but only time will tell. Then the panic of the possibility of Steve Smith getting injured the other day was a little disconcerting. I am still very excited for the season to begin though. Looking over the schedule and i see that i will be able to see four games this year! @ Dallas on 9/20, hosting Washington on 10/11, hosting Miami on 11/19, and then hosting the Vikings on 12/20. That is the most i have been able to look forward to in many a year. Geaux Panthers! DS1 has pointed out to me that the next expansion for Fallout 3 is scheduled for store release next Tuesday. I checked my play time on the game... a whopping total of sixteen (16) hours! Granted, i've been able to play Blood Bowl a lot more often, but that's only because i am able to play a complete game in BB in less than an hour (usually). I've been having a lot of fun playing Fallout 3 though. My character has been generating some attention though. Some Talon Company Mercenaries have apparently been hired to wipe me out. I had several worship, and a couple of 'contemporary Christian' songs that really helped me over this past week. There is just something about music that moves a person that cannot adequately be explained in my opinion. Music has the ability to sway emotion. It can influence your mood and even your thought patterns. Maybe not every one would agree with me on this one... but it is a powerful force! I will listen to a rock-n-roll type of music when i am working something hi-tempo, when i am feeling meditative i find classical is good for me. While there was never any choice to not be home to be there for my beloved, i am still a little sad that missed the 2-110th deactivation ceremony this past Saturday. What a solemn time. I trained with men that i will never forget. I grew a lot through the Army National Guard and i miss the time i used to serve. But i am also grateful that i have served, and that i am now home one more weekend a month now. My place was at home with my beloved as she recovered, but that doesn't mean i missed being there with those guys either.

Music Monday - 20090803

Yesterday my beloved and i went and visited yet another church in our search for a new body of believers to fellowship and worship God with. This one was the church we were married in almost seventeen years ago. It's a long story of why we do not currently still go to that church, and it was not one we were considering rejoining only because it is a little further away than we wanted. Still, it is a church that a lot of our old friends still attend, and we are coming up on a period of time where we will not be able to attend services for a couple of weeks. It was nice to feel so welcome and connected. During worship time they sang the song i've chosen for this week's Music Monday offering...

If You Say Go by Diane Thiel, Vineyard Music If You say go, we will go If You say wait, we will wait If You say step out on the water And they say it can't be done We'll fix our eyes on You and we will come Your ways are higher than our ways And the plans that You have laid Are good and true If You call us to the fire You will not withdraw Your hand We'll gaze into the flames and look for You © Mercy/Vineyard Publishing, CCLI 3548640

While the song impressed upon me to get going on writing the letter to Sovereign Grace Ministries about asking them to consider a church plant in our area, my beloved was moved to tears during the song. When i asked her about it a little later she said, "I think we've found our church home". Now - i am NOT opposed to that, it's just not where i was at. My beloved and i have rarely been so "far" apart when it comes to impressions that we feel from God. It has been amazing... over almost seventeen years we have been very close and with just a little bit of prayer we have come to where we were in agreement on whatever it was. As a matter of fact, i can think of only one other time we were so "far" apart. But God has always been faithful and showed us where He was leading us and helped us see it together before we moved forward. So we are going to be entering a season of prayer and discussion as we go through the next couple fo weeks while my beloved recovers from her surgery this Wednesday.