I've got nothin'

Even before the frequency of my posts began to wane... i had realized that i was struggling with depression... if there are still those around who used to read this blog before, probably already know this.  What i had not realized was... just what a toll it was taking on those around me.  Yes, i was suffering with depression... but i was dragging those around me, down as well.

Right now, my brain is foggy, so... this will not be as coherent a post, as i would like, but i feel compelled to write anyway... like i've said elsewhere... this blog is mostly for myself... but... if it can be used for others... thus, i share it on-line.

I began seeing a new therapist this past April.  My beloved had been begging me to start going again for a while, and my own pride kept telling me that i was fine (again).  Well, this therapist is a magnitude better than my previous one... shortly into our sessions, she recommended that i talk to my doctor about possibly changing up some of my depression and ADD Rx's, which i did.  Wow.  Within just a few days of weening off of the old depression Rx, and onto the new one, i noticed a difference.  It would take two or three weeks to stabilize, but i honestly felt like my eyes had opened for the first time in... well, longer than i could remember.  Unfortunately... i also saw what damage i had wrought in my own marriage as well.  Unfortunately... the "Big D Thelma and Louise car" was at full throttle heading towards that cliff.

I am blessed that my therapist is a Christian, as are the others at the same practice.  I began experiencing panic attacks, and a few other depression symptoms, but, i continued to work with my therapist, and trying to open my eyes more, to learn more, to hit the brakes, but i was no longer in control (as if i ever truly were).

This past summer (2015) has been a roller coaster ride, to say the least.  Then, after an angry outburst by me (not my first in our marriage i am ashamed to say), my beloved had finally had enough, and told me as such.  She asked me to leave the house so that she could have space.  I will not lie... it felt like i was experiencing seppuku... like a long sharp instrument had been rammed up through my stomach into my heart.

For a time, i flailed, and "reached out" to anyone, and everyone, i could think of... well, not everyone, but... a lot of people.  All of them, to a (wo)man, told me that... this is what i had to do.  I had been mentally abusive to my wife, and of i wanted ANY chance of saving my marriage, it would be best.  I really did NOT like that idea... and i attacked it any which way i could.  I even had outbursts at my longtime friends... who were only trying to help me and my beloved, and our marriage.  To put it mildly... this was not 'samurai' at his finest.

Finally, i honestly felt a whisper in my mind... "trust me"... and, in much pain, i did move out.  I remember entering a date into my Facebook messenger, to myself, the day my beloved said that she wanted to talk... it was just moments before my angry outburst that had kicked the final leg out from my weak-sand-construction of a marriage.  Since then, i have deactivated my Facebook account, in honor of recommendations to do so, as i honestly do tend to share too much - without consideration of my beloved's feelings, or desires. I have also deactivated my other social media accounts, which i really didn't use anyway.

A month prior to my angry outburst, i had heard words from my beloved that i thought i would never hear... i will not share them here... but, they cut me to the core.  Now - while she was the one saying these things, and "causing" me pain, it had been years of neglect from me, her husband, the one to whom God had entrusted the hand of His daughter to love, honor, cherish, protect... and this was the culmination of years of failure on my part.  While my beloved has participated in this long spiral... this blog is about me... and i am owning up to my failures, and not to point out hers.

If anyone is still reading this, the outlook seems bleak, does it not?

But, this 'samurai' is in the service of the greatest Lord in all of history.  The Lord Jesus Christ, his Father, and the Holy Spirit.  Within a day of my terrible outburst, i felt a peace re: something my beloved had shared.  Despite a long struggle with paranoia in the regards to the subject... in regards to knowing, and sensing, just how far my beloved had pulled away (again, precipitated by my neglect towards her)... i just had a peace.  Many fellow Christians will know what i am talking about... it is possible that some non-Christians too... but, i do not know for sure.  So, when the "invitation" to "step aside" finally came the next day... while i was, and still am in many way, in severe emotional pain... i was at peace with a really "big rock".  I'd like to say that i had learned my lesson and immediately repented... but, it has been (only) three long weeks since i began staying elsewhere.

Since then, i have continued my therapy... sometimes as much as four times in a week.  What can i say... this 'samurai' is a severely broken piece of work.  I have finally swallowed my pride regarding my Aspergers, my depression, and ADD, and submitted a "request of accommodations" with my employer.  I am fortunate, and extremely blessed, that those whom God has placed around me, already know of my 'quirks', and have already worked with me.  The only reason i did that was... this separation has been extremely taxing on me... talk about being "stretched" by God.

I've started journaling (pen and paper - chicken scratch mostly), actually joined a gym, will be trying Yoga (because i really swallow up my frustrations, and it is taking a toll on my body from within), and had my eyes open to just how much i need to work on.  In the past... this would have overwhelmed me... but, in the past three weeks... i have experienced another peace descend upon me.  One about my marriage.  God has allowed this apex crises to arise, so that it would be addressed, and addressed in full... not in a patch work fashion.

While i still want this to all be fixed now... God has allowed me to see just how "broken" i really am... how "fearfully and wonderfully made" i am... how broken my beloved is (both because of me, but because she is her own person, in her own way as well)... and how He is working through all of this.  Through all of the weeping... the pride... the pain... through a severely damaged marriage... through two broken people... and the friends He has surrounded them with.

I am still staying at a hotel at present, but my beloved and i are talking.  We are both in (separate) counseling.  And while we have a long road ahead of us... the light at the end of the tunnel, does not look like an oncoming freight train.  A word of self caution though... this 'samurai' is still fully capable of screwing it all up... but...

God willing... more to follow.

(I had, and have, a lot of scripture references that came to mind, but, this is not as well thought out, and i've not taken as much time as i would have preferred... but... hopefully, i will be taking more time to be more thorough moving forward.)

A P.P.S. - also came to mind... this past weekend, was the 24th anniversary of the day i met my beloved... not a fun memory to recount while apart from her... but, it was also a day of reflection... i am looking forward to walk through the healing with God, and my beloved (in time)...

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Space: Above and beyond (nothing to do with the old TV series)

OK - it's been a bizallion seconds, OK... slight exaggeration, but a long, long time, since i last blogged.  I have no excuses.  No really good explanations either.  In any event, when presented with writer's block, the best method to break through it, is to just get typing, so... here i go.

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.  My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."  (Psalm 139:13-16, ESV)

I have struggled in the past, at least a little bit, in regards to my struggles with ADD and possibly HFA, but recently my beloved implored me to go see a Neurologist.  It took her almost a year and a half to get through to me but she finally did this past month or so.  I mean, possible HFA, ADD, and dealing with depression, you want to add more 'mental' problems on top too?!?

Technically this was a follow up to a sleep study i had in 2009.  Of course it was discovered that i had sleep apnea, apparently i completely stop breathing up to thirty times a night.  Well, in addition to the apnea, it was discovered that i suffer from narcoleptic seizures.  This freaked me out to hear.  It messed with me enough that after the required follow up with a Neurologist - who was not all that great - so, when she didn't find anything out of the ordinary, i didn't really question it further.  I was forthright, but not aggressive in my pursuit of learning more.  Well, three years on now, and some really poor nights of sleep, my beloved had me pursue a follow up with different Neurologist.  This meeting was much better.  The new doctor actually interviewed me.  He listened to what i had to say, and actually asked several more questions.  I also learned that the first MRI i had three years ago showed a small "mass" in the frontal lobe.  That was news to me!

Since then i have had another MRI, and i am scheduled for an EEG in a week or so.  When i was young, i had several EEG tests due to having Post Trauma Epilepsy, and then a follow up appointment in early June.  Well... dear reader, now you know that i am even a bigger freak than i had first let on.

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Being thankful, Day #20

I know the foundations of the internet were laid back in the 1960's, but it really blossomed into the gargantuan information super highway it is today during the mid '90's.  I know there are a lot of things out there that a 'good Christian boy' should avoid, and to be honest - i've not always done a very good job at it, but it has really become an invaluable tool.  Not a day goes by that i am not researching something on it, or just listening to music on it.

I have made friends that i have never met in real life.  I have had a chance to talk to people from other cultures, other faiths, that i could never afford to go to in person.  It has allowed me to enjoy music that i enjoy anywhere i go.  It

Think about it.  Today it carries shopping orders, carries music and television.  Information on most any subject can be found (but should always be verified) on the "web".  While it can be a time-hog, the internet is going to go down in history as one of the world changing inventions like the lightbulb and internal combustion engine.  I am thankful for the internet because it is a foundation of my career, and it is an excellent resource for both my personal and business life - even if it is a contributor to my ADD.

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Am i white with black stripes, or am i black with white stripes?

First, i apologize for not being  as diligent in writing for my blog of late.  To be honest i think there are times when i just do it for the comments, or some form of acknowledgement of what i do, when the truth is... i don't really reach all that many people.  That's OK.  I just need to learn to get back to writing for why i got in to blogging in the first place, and that was to write for myself, to work out various thoughts, etc.

I really like my Tilley hat, an LTM6 Airflo.  I love hats in general, and i have lost count as to how many hats i have at home.  I try not to buy them (them and bags, like backpacks, etc.), but... my beloved once told me that i didn't need any hats, but i HAD to have one... i just wanted one she liked.  I searched, and searched but i could not find one she wouldn't make some sort of comment on.  Then i saw a Tlley on someone's head while at Hershey Park and i knew that would be my last "had to have" hat.   I hate to say this... but i didn't buy it until my beloved went into the hospital for her gallbladder that i called Tilley's up and ordered my hat.  It's been over two years now... and she still makes the occasional comment, but i tell her, "oh, that hat plays".  In the end, she knows that it is not going to go away, and i have not bought a new hat since.  Tilley has an excellent customer satisfaction policy, and they make a quality product.  I recently thought i lost my hat, and i searched for it for a few weeks.  Finally i call Tilley's back up and it was within the 2 year 'lost warranty'.  I was able to replace my hat for 50% off the listed price.  Then i found my hat... so i sold it to a friend for the price i bought it for.  However, if there are ever any manufacturer defects - EVER - they replace it for free.  This hat is light, keeps the sun out of my eyes, keeps the rain off of my glasses, it is water resistant, it breaths to help me keep the head cool in summer and just enough in to keep it warm in winter.  I wear this hat practically everywhere, i REALLY like this hat.

I finally made the "pilgrimage" to the lair of the Carolina Panthers at Bank of America Stadium.  A friend of the wife of an old Army buddy lives in Charlotte and are PSL owners with season tickets.  The game was on Christmas Eve, and they were going out of town to spend time with family during the holidays.  Having never seen a live game there, i jumped at the chance.  Originally it was just going to be me and a friend but he wisely decided not to go when his wife said, "your choice" hahaha.  In the end i took my whole family on a mini-vacation.  It was over a 7 hour trip each way.  We drove down on Thursday night (arriving at 0300... ouch), and i then went to the stadium to take an all too brief tour.  That afternoon we relaxed at the pool and then went to a dinner featured in Guy Fieri's show, 'Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives".  The food was pretty good, but the desserts were fantastic!  Saturday DS1 and i went to the game.  Now, let me say, i prefer to watch the game on TV.  I like the commentary, i enjoy the replays and i really enjoy being able to see the plays "closer up", but there is something to be said for going to the occasional game to be seen live.  The crowd, the food (even though a second mortgage is often needed just for lunch), the sites and sounds.  I won't use the word magical, but it is a little special.  The game was very enjoyable, especially for a Panthers fan - they won 48-16, i was able to see Cam Newton break Payton Manning's Rookie season passing record (on a 7 yard out to Brandon LaFell), the franchise record for a passing TD from scrimmage (91 yards, also to LaFell), and a 49 yard run for a TD where Cam Newton pulled a defender the last 8 yards.  It was a good day all around.  After we then made the trek home on Christmas Day.  I had a great time. 

I read a really good article in the NY Times online recently.  I originally read it via The Autism Society of America on Facebook.  It was titled Navigating Love and Autism (1).  I have been married for over 19 years now, to an incredible woman.  Like any marriage she drives me nuts at times, but i also know that i have no clue as to what i would do if she was not in my life on a daily basis.  It was not until DS2 was diagnosed with Asperger's, and all that my beloved did to better his life and learn about what would be best for him, that she got a better glimpse into her husband.  It took me a little longer.  This article was good for me, to see - at least a little bit - what she goes through when she interacts with me.  I try and change.  I try and do things the "normal" way... and yet it is a constant struggle. I have to consciously think about offering someone a drink when then come to my home, to look people in the eye when talking to them, to not interrupt someone to make a correction or to change the subject off of something i don't find interesting - or to even just "make conversation", to ask questions in a conversation and many, many more things.  It was a good article because it challenged me to look outside of myself. Something my beloved helps me with every day.  But i was also discouraged by it.  I just don't "get" so many things.  Despite my best efforts i get flabbergasted at being asked a question.  She will often ask me, "what do you mean"?  Despite my best efforts... i cannot fathom what i meant beyond what i actually said.  I fail her in so many ways... i fail to show her comfort, to consider her feelings (or the feelings of others), and so many other ways... it actually bothers me.  For thirty plus years i was the normal one... everyone else was wrong.  Then... i learned... i was the "odd" one.  I was the one that the Sesame Street Characters sung about way back when.

There are still times when i feel like, "why don't 'you' people get it!?!  It is so obvious!"  In any event... i encourage those who want some insight into the Autistic world, this is a very good article. 

 

(1) By AMY HARMON, Published: December 26, 2011

I just cannot keep myself on track!

It was a simple challenge. One that should easily be successful.  One hundred words a day.  I type a hundred words in some of the e-mails i send everyday.  School essay questions are harder, and longer!  And yet... have i been successful in even one day of this challenge?!?  Nope! So far, this has been 57 words!  Can a hobby really be called a hobby when one does not spend anytime pursuing it?  Then again, time is a precious commodity around the samurai's Minka.  All three of the children are active in a variety of activities and we do our best to encourage them in such, but at the same time when the schedule gets tight my beloved and i often basically disappoint someone.  There are, and have to be, limits.  It's just not possible to be everywhere and to do everything.

Yesterday i saw a quick clip of a comedian coming to town.  As a part of his gig he plays the guitar.  I am a sucker for pretty much any musical instrument when it is played by a master, and this guys was really good.  Well, at least in my opinion.  The guy is Mike Rayburn.  For as long as i can remember i have been captivated my music.  Not just any kind of music though.  I do not captivate myself when i try and play notes on a flute or keyboard - because i am just not even an OK musician.  But the likes of Phil Keaggy (guitarist), Ian Anderson (flutist), Rex Lewis (Piano), whoever - have been able to rivet me to my seat.  I do not profess to be some kind of music expert, i cannot tell you if so-and-so's technique is flawless or their execution is sublime, but i do know that when the instrument is wielded well and i can get lost in the moment.  I prefer instrumental pieces, be it the harpsichord, violin, piano or guitar, but vocal pieces like the Opera piece (i know it from 'The Fifth Element") also mesmerize me.  I cannot explain it, but the verse from Philippians 4:8 comes to mind, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." This verse comes in the context of meditating on the things of God ("...guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - previous verse, and "What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things..." the next verse.  ALWAYS read scripture references within the surrounding context.), but i truly believe music is one of the most amazing gifts from God.  It gives to expression to wordless parts of our souls.  If God has given you a talent within the "arts", be it music or paint or words, i wholeheartedly encourage you to pursue it to the glory of God.

November is often a time when a lot of my friends post things they are thankful each day.  I often fail to post something everyday... and i am a little concerned that others may think that i am not grateful... but the truth is that i am often giving thanks to God throughout the day and i think... that in my mind, i say... i've already done that.  However... that does not mean we can't put something out there to share with others things we are thankful for either.  I'd like to think that i do not care what other people think of me... but the truth is i often care way too much.  I love to pray... and i have been told that i am quite "good at it", but then... all i could do was question... am i truly praying for the person... or am i praying for some kind of personal recognition.  The end result... is that i do not pray all that often in public... not unless i can somehow screen my real name/identity.  I am not sure if that is God glorifying or not... 8(

Well, this post has taken way too long to get rounded out... so... i am going to post it now... and start beginning the next one in bullet form.

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It's just like shooting phish in a barrel

I am not one to usually fall for phishing attempts.  I am leery of any unsolicited free opportunities, don't even bother with some kind of assistance with a money transfer, and i am not interested in any sort of time share.  So, when an e-mail came into my business e-mail address advising me that i needed to upgrade a certain function within my PC i should have noticed that certain fields did not look quite right, but this thing i was told to update is something that i've had trouble with before and before i verified anything i was clicking and typing away.  *sigh* Fortunately i realized my error quickly and immediately revoked the privileges of this function and reacquired new privileges using brand spanking new passwords.  I felt like such an id10t.  There were at least two things i should have noticed off the bat, but my guard was down and i was not paying close enough attention.  My paragraph here is to encourage anyone who reads this to verify, verify, verify, and if you feel that you have clicked on a link or provided a password to a 3rd party you would rather not have... change all related passwords immediately.  It is highly recommended that a password be a MINIMUM of 8 characters (12 is preferred), containing upper AND lower case 'alpha' characters and at least 1 numeric and 1 'special (~!`@#$%^&*-.,<>) character.  Also - it is best to not use any personal references in case "social engineering" is taking place.

I got on a writing tear.  6700 words.  I followed a friend's advice and just wrote and wrote and wrote.  I kept going until i got to the end of the outline i had worked up a few months back.  Although, i did have to wing it in some spots because i did not have every detail outlined.  I have now hit a roadblock of sorts... my own outlining.  I need to get going on that part, but in the meantime i am not confident in sharing what i have so far because i want to proof it at least with one go over.  Oh, and i have recently learned of pages being enabled on Blogger.com, so i want to look into that to help sort my stories, and preferably in a more chronological order - as opposed from newest to oldest.  I just need to take time to figure it out and how to get it to work properly.

I have often received good reviews in regards to performances at my work.  I am not boasting because i feel that it is of God's grace and favor and not because i am some awesome worker in and of myself.  To be honest, i feel inadequate pretty much every day.  I work among some incredibly bright people, and while i am able to learn and use what they share, i am often reminded that although i am a peer in employment i am not a main contributor to the knowledge pool.  Well, this year i was reminded that i will be expected to pursue regaining at least a CCNA.  *sigh*  I really struggle at book learning.  I struggle in individual pursuit of further education.  Get me in a class with an instructor where i can interact and put my hands to work on what i am learning, i get it.  Unfortunately, that form of tutoring is pretty steeply expensive and my employer is not inclined to pay, not unless i am pursuing some form of college degree.  As of right now i do not have a plan... and i am pretty nervous about achieving this goal put before me.

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Wednesday Wickedness - 20110126

Hi and welcome to Wednesday Wickedness! We are like other memes in that we will ask you ten questions each and every Wednesday. But our little "twist" is that each week we will pick a famous person and pick ten of their quotes. Each of our questions will be based on the quotes. Got it? Great! Let's begin this week's meme!

Personally, i am not a huge fan of Mr. Gervais, but that does not make him any less interesting.  Again, this is one week behind the full fledged die hard participants of this meme.

Today we picked Ricky Gervais. Here's Wednesday Wickedness!

1. “Why by a book when you can join a library.”

When was your last trip to a library?

Hmm, that is a good question.  A few months ago.  I was helping DS1 on a project of his.  I do agree that the library is an awesome place to pick up and read books, all without the expense of ever having to purchase a book again.  Having said that, there would be far fewer authors to write interesting books without those who purchase them.  Sort of like, why purchase another song when you can just download them on the internet.

2. “People see me in the suit and they know I'm not fooling anyone, they know I'm rock and roll through and through.”

Does your attire properly represent you?

Dunno.  Never really cared.  'Function over fashion' is a personal motto.  So... then again... maybe it does.

3. “I'm from a little place called England ... We used to run the world before you.”

Do you feel the United States really runs the world?

Puh Leaze... although, many citizens of the United States would like to think so.  The United States does have a lot of influence around the world, and they do tend to use that influence whenever possible, but does the United States run the world?  I am pretty sure Mr. Putin and Mr. Jintao would have something to say about that... as well as a few others.

4. “No one grows up saying 'I hope I work in an office one day?' And that fascinated me. People from 16 to 65 are just thrown together and that is a tantalizing mix.”

When was the last time that you worked in an office like that?

The office i work in currently is fairly diverse.  Not quite 16, but in the mid to lower 20's up through the 60's.  It is an excellent environment.  In my immediate area i work closely with someone in each decade of life from the 30's to the lower 60's.It really has made for a fun and good work dynamic.

5. “Where there's a will-there's a relative!”

Do you have a will? If yes, have you ever changed it?

I have had at least three, so yes i do, and i have changed it.  Mostly to reflect the addition of children as they come along.  Since all of my belongings, etc. are going to go either to my beloved or my children, it has been pretty straight forward.  I should probably update it again since it has been a few years since the last update.

6. "When I see a toreador in a bullfight getting gored I think: `Good, you shouldn`t be in there`. What is the pleasure in seeing an animal speared to death? It`s the same with fox hunting. They`re just psychopaths.”

How do you feel about bull fighting and hunting?

I feel about Bull Fighting like i feel about Mixed Martial Arts fighting between two human-beings. It is inane and does not make any sense.  It is brutality for brutality sake.  Hunting i am a little different with.  I know too many families that do so for supplementing their grocery budget.  In other cases the hunters have donated the meat gathered to charity organizations that feed the homeless and less fortunate.  In a lot of cases the hunters help curb over population of some species.  I see what Mr. Gervais is saying here though... Fox hunting is more of hunting for sport, versus a need.  Personally i do not see a need to hunt just to kill something, but for food i do not have a problem with it.

7. “Money gives me the creeps and mildly embarrasses me. I get paid too much anyway.”

Have you ever thought that you were over paid for a job?

There are times i definitely feel this way. But then i do not analyze what i do versus the talent pool available, etc.  Let's just say i am very grateful to God that i do get paid what i get paid, and i try and work very hard so that my employer feels that i have provided the work that they are paying me for.

8. “I hate lateness. I hate people who are late. There is no excuse for turning up late for anything. I`ve never been late for anything in my life. I was actually born a week premature, because I wanted to be early for my own birth.”

Are you usually on time for things?

I am with Mr. Gervais.  I do NOT like being late... for ANYTHING.  I prefer to show up a minimum of ten minutes early for everything.  However, God has a sense of humor and i cannot remember the last time i was consistent with my own preference.  I am not going to say why, because ultimately i hold myself responsible. 

9. “I have plenty of pet hates. I can`t stand people scraping their plate or slurping their soup. I can`t stand waiting in lines. I hate people talking inanely about the Lord Of The Rings. I hate people whistling. But I`m not like this because I`m famous. I`ve always been a grumpy bastard.”

What are your “pet hates”?

I have a thing for doors and drawers being shut.  I have a hard time just walking by a door that is ajar without closing it.  Once while working with my beloved in the kitchen to get ready for some company, i spent 10 minutes "dancing" around the island shutting cabinets, etc. and finally i couldn't take it any more... i had to walk out of the room.  Another time my beloved and i were in the midst of an "intense time of fellowship" and i could not stop focusing on the drawers of a dresser behind her... i interrupted my own train of thought and walked over and shut all of them.  It was a good tension breaker.

10. “I don`t like all this stupid Gollum begat Wobblo and the Oompa Loompas and...Oh _____ _____! There was too much "Oh, god, here come the gloodloys..." _____ Almighty, what are they talking about!?”

Are you a fan of “Lord of the Rings”?

I most definitely am. When i read the the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, and the Hobbit, i find myself immersed in the world of J.R.R. Tolkien.  I love the naivety of the Hobbits, i love the mystery of the Elves.  I dread the evil of the "all watching eye" and his minions.  The honor and comrade between all the members of the quest, and the perseverance of the heroes.  In my opinion Mr. Tolkien achieved his desire to create a modern mythology.  I can reread the novels every year, and i love the movies almost as much as the books.  When the Hobbit comes out to theaters i will be there in line... and when the set (because it will be two movies) comes out on Blu-Ray, i will most definitely upgrade my video equipment if i have not already.

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The times, they are a changin'

I am not sure if i have ever mentioned my Beloved bride on this blog before.  Not too long from now we will be celebrating our 18th Anniversary.  I would be lying if i were to say that they all have been full of bliss and free of conflict, but i can honestly say i wouldn't trade them for anything.  I may have also mentioned that she has recently returned to the full time workforce.  It has been a wonderful opportunity for her, and she is just loving it, growing pains and all.  She is thriving on the challenges, she is enjoying the chance to get out and provide a wonderful service for others.  I have seen a very good improvement in her demeanor over all.  It is wonderful to see.  I am very happy that she is doing this, and i will be grateful for the additional income, but i must confess that i am struggling with all of the change.  My heart, at least outwardly, is glad, but the past couple of weeks it has  literally been at odds with my mind.  Trouble sleeping, actual mental turmoil... she, and friends have been encouraging me to pray and read the Bible.  I have been... and i am working through it... but i am actually disappointed in myself for having this much trouble.  She needed this.  The family needed this.  Improvements for her and the family ARE improvements for me.  So why do i struggle like this so?  And it is stupid stuff.  Things i know are not right, or fair.  I just pray that i am doing a good job of actually supporting her right now, because i know she is a little vulnerable getting back out there and learning the changes to the job, interacting with people in that environment again.  The last thing she needs is a husband that is falling apart... Why can't i just deal with it and move on?!? Why must change be so difficult?

A glass shattering

The moon is chasing the sun

Season changing time

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Different ramblings

I am taking my family on a short camping trip.  It's not like we are going to the deep woods or anything.  We are going to a (very) nearby campground with several other families that we've known since the early '90's.  Over the years we've gone to different churches, some have moved away and then moved back again.  Through out though, we've all kept in touch and gotten together for some Christian fellowship.  They did this last year, but being the anti-camping types, my beloved and i just brought our kids out for the day on Saturday.  This year, we opted to go ahead and stay the whole weekend.  Wouldn't you know... we have two soccer games on Saturday, my beloved works all three days, and we still do not own any camping equipment.  Have no fear, dad (i.e. me) will be trucking the kids outs with my beloved to set up the campsite and staying out until he has to shuttle the soccer players around.  It will be fun, just a little extra coordination.  Pictures (maybe) when we get back.

I just checked some old notes regarding when i first started my run through Valour and the King's Gauntlet.  It has been over 35 days!  Granted... i took last weekend off to go hunt mice in the Mountains with the Mouse Hunter's Century Club (MHCC).  It was nice to take some time off to shake off the dust and tedium of trying to make such a prolonged journey.  I can foresee that if too many of my fellow mouse hunters try and do the jaunt as i am (starting with 1,000 pieces of swiss cheese), they could very well grow bored and may leave the game forever.  If anyone should read this, i highly encourage brief journeys to the Gauntlet with a lot of side trips.  I am taking notes to share at a later date regarding catch rates, and cheese ratios as i go.  For example, using just swiss cheese i started with 1k pieces of swiss for Tier I.  I gained enough potions on that run to make 684 pieces of cheese (using just swiss cheese)  for Tier II.  I almost done with my run on Tier II and have 575 pieces of cheese poised and ready to use for tier III, and i am likely to have more pieces before i commence my run there.  The side trip last weekend has me interested in working on some more "century collections" of mice.  Currently i have caught at least 100 of 22 different breeds of mice.  I also have a lot of "surplus" cheese and potions to make special cheeses that could be used to gain a for more "century collections".  As a diversion, i just might go use up some of this surplus before i start Tier III.  I know my readers are just dying to know all this. 8)

MouseHunt is what is known as a 'Passive' game.  That is it is not a Java based game.  You do not have to hover over it to play.  One sets up a trap, and they can either hunt every 15 minutes, or just allow the automatic trap checks do it for you once an hour.  Well, last night without warning, my brain came up with an idea for a different genre of a Passive game for Facebook.  Since i am not a programmer of any kind i really have no idea how to pursue seeing if i could make something of this idea.  I also know that just presenting an idea to a company rarely sees results... so... i went out and bought a little pocket sized notebook to jot all of my notes in.  I will see if i can draw in those who are programming types, and hopefully some graphic artists types, and see if between us we can come up with an 'Alpha" version of the game.  try and play test it, etc.  If i can get it to a decent level i will probably try and in turn sell it to a company like HitGrab.  Less than 5 years ago (as of this posting) they started with just two guys, and now they are a small company working on many projects and making money at it.  Yes i am still writing.  Yes i still play Fallout 3.  I know, i know!  So many part time endeavors... so little projects completed.  Such are the workings of a person with ADD. 8)

Last weekend i watched the Temple Grandin movie again.  What a good movie! (Nominated for 15 Emmy's and it winning 7 of them.)  But while i watched it i realized just how incredible this woman really is.  God has helped her not only realize that she is different, but helped her use her gifts for so many others.  While i think in pictures similar to her, i do not see every pair of shoes i've ever seen, but when i hear the word shoe.... i picture shoes.  When someone says dog, i picture dogs.  I will never be as brilliant as Temple, but what God has done in my brain i have been able to use to help me "see" how computer networks work.  Really cool.  Until very recently, i thought everyone thought as i did, but i have learned that many people do not think "in pictures" but rather in words.  That was very confusing to me. 

Before i close this out for the week... recently a friend talked about a series her pastor is doing regarding prayer.  In the sermons her pastor is saying that prayer should be done out loud.  I will not go into what the intentions were, or all that was said because i was not there, and i really do not have a complete picture of the message, but her blog post did get me thinking.  I tend to be a silent prayer myself.  But more than that, i tend to just close my eyes were ever i am and just pray.  This is a good thing i believe, but i have been feeling "convicted" of not taking the time to go ahead and get down on my knees in prayer from time to time.  Obviously this is not always possible, but i almost never do that, and i do not think that is a good thing.  I really believe that we can pray anytime, anywhere, in any method that is available to us, but... there are times where the act of kneeling really would help "bend" one's heart as they come before God, and THAT is what is important.  Just as i believe that any translation of the Bible can be used to learn about the things of God ~ especially when one is honestly seeking after the things of God ~ we can pray in any method.  But just because there are many means, not all means are equally useful/beneficial.  There are times when one needs to take the time and "bend the knee", "bow the heart" before God.  Thinking about the things of God... always a good thing.  I encourage anyone who reads this to do these things, always seeking to know God's thoughts, and not impose your thoughts, on the ways and things of God.  I include myself in this.

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Whirlwind Ramblings

On Thursday of last week my Beloved received a phone call from the friend from whom we had originally arranged to rent a condo from at the beach.  She was telling us that "our" week had not rented (for her full price) and if we wanted we could still use it for the week.  A frantic bunch of phone calls later my Beloved and COWGIRL (re)arranged all of the appointments and other things that running a house involve and Viola!  I love the beach and all, but when there are eight people (2 adolescents, 1 preteen, 2 teenagers, 2 mothers, and 1 father) in a one bedroom condo... let's just say there is not much in the way of serenity. When i was picked up by my new employer though... a lot of things changed... like vacation.  I've lost all of my vacation sans 2 personal days for the first 6 months.  Then i start back at the beginning with only 2 weeks. 

Speaking of new work benefits... i may have a problem.  I have been taking Strattera to help me with my ADD.  Unfortunately my new Health Insurance has an unusually large deductible BEFORE they pay anything (other than for yearly preventative health appointments).  Well, Strattera is apparently VERY expensive and the type of reimbursement account i have set up to help me with the out of pocket expenses is the type that builds slowly and so i do not have enough money to pay for it.  As a test i have not been taking it since Friday (i know, you are not supposed to change the Rx, i.e. when to take it, etc., without consulting your doctor - yet another out of pocket cost) in order to see if i noticed any difference... unfortunately... i have.  I have been feeling a little 'loopy' from time to time AND i am noticing a lot more trouble keeping the "plates spinning".  Not doing well mentally in that regard.  This is affecting my work, which can affect my ability to provide for my family, not to mention in my relating to others.  All of this, with a negligible increase in my paychecks.  I am grateful that i even have a job to go to right now... but the vice is squeezing tighter and tighter.  Ever see that car commercial with the hamsters running on their wheels?

Speaking of rodents... for some reason i had a 'mental image' of how one might be able to get a picture of God's sovereignty and our (man's) free will.  Now, i know this is not a perfect representation, but it is what came to mind.  It's kind of like the old mice in a maze experiment.  Mice are sent to run the maze without any direct interference as to which direction to go etc.  Now, the scientist is in control of everything about the maze with the exceptions of making the mouse make any sort of decision.  The scientist puts in incentives, or can move walls at will, etc.  but the mouse is free to choose to accept the incentive or to take the new pathway etc.  This is an imperfect example of the relationship between God and man, but i feel it represents a decent enough parable to help my feeble mind.  While i am not some science experiment navigating for some piece of cheese, i am a finite creature that is unable to see the entire maze (which is all of creation by the way).  God has revealed Himself and His desire for a relationship to me (and to others) in various ways.  I do not always accept the "piece of cheese" or easier path.  And yet God does interjects and sometimes even manipulates the "maze" (i.e. like miracles, both seen'/etected and unseen/undetected), but at no point does He impose His will upon me to choose this or that.  In the end He allows me to make my choices, and receive the rewards/penalties.  This really is an over simplification, and can easily be twisted out of proportion.  But it works for me.

Speaking of Rodents... MouseHunt is getting a pretty major overhaul today.  Most of my readers will not know what MouseHunt is, or even care, but i will blather on anyway.  The "backbone" of the game is getting recoded, as well as the graphical interfaces.  This results in a pretty significant overhaul.  Anyone who has worked in IT, probably NOT on a game though, knows what this is like.  Basically it is the equivalent of taking your PC, erasing the hard drive and rewriting the operating system to get it to run the programs more efficiently. All the while of having (literally) 10's of thousands of users all clamering to know when are you going to be done, why can't i play the game, you guys suck - can't even upgrade your own system more efficently, etc.  Never mind that these guys have been working on improving the program, making it a better experience, for over a year AND they announced it in advance.  They told the users what to expect, how long it might be down, what they need to do in order to ensure there is a smooth transition, etc.  I've said it before, and i will say it again here, i am really enjoying this game!  It is a game where i have to solve problems in order to catch the prize mice, i do not HAVE to spend real world currency to play the game if i do not want to, other players are not constantly sabatoging my efforts to improve - not only that, there is a really good group of players helping many of the more Novice players - to include doling out advice AND "gold" to help them along.  You can play with a "team" of friends OR go solo.  I am enjoying this so much so, that i do not play any other games on facebook at this point - i just don't have the time anyway, so i might as well focus on a game that i can enjoy.