Floundering Friday

This weekend was supposed to be one of recuperation from my beloved's surgery, but life never sleeps. A while back i mentioned that an "Aunt" had passed away and tomorrow is the memorial service. It is almost a four hour tour of the Shenandoah Valley - my most favorite place in the world. I am planning on a "day" trip - i.e. i get up, make the trip down, attend the memorial service, visit with family for a spell, and then hop in the car for the return trip. It will make for a long day, but one well worth it. I may not be 'tight' with most of my family (a failing on my part), but this woman made a real difference in my life. That summer with my cousins was a turning point in my life if you ask me. I still cherish the memories. So, even though i really need a long weekend with just my own brood, i need to make this trip. If for nothing else than to celebrate my "Aunt's" life and reconnect with family. Especially the cousins that made such a difference in my life. Tomorrow the Panthers will be heading to Miami for game 2 of the preseason. I never read anything into these practice games. But i do like to watch them when i get a chance. It gives me a sense of seeing how the players react, etc. Still, no one is moving really at game speed except the 2nd string and below. It's almost like the later in the game the more true effort you see. With the trip tomorrow i've tried to look up some of the radio stations between point A and B to see if i might be able to catch much of the game broadcast... do they even broadcast pre-season games? I know during the season i can get an AM skip station that i leave preset on my car radio. Sad, i know. My beloved has been downcast since her parents left. It's not because they left but because of how things ended, and i know i did not really help things all that much. It does not matter how right i thought my contributions might have been ~ timing is everything. We have a saying in the Artillery... once you pull the lanyard you can't bring the round back. It means you need to do all of your 'pre-fire' checks BEFORE you pull the lanyard... and i did not really do so well in regards to relating with my wife in regards to the situation with her parents. All i can do now is try and stay near... For me spiritually, i am going to be diving back into Romans. I feel like i can SO relate to Romans 7:
I was once alive apart from the law, but when the commandment came, sin came alive and I died. The very commandment that promised life proved to be death to me. For sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, deceived me and through it killed me. So the law is holy, and the commandment is holy and righteous and good. Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
I have been getting down on myself for not being more disciplined. Like i should be able to just say what i am going to do and do it! It's not like i am have to assemble a team, devise a plan, and then assault a building. *sigh* and yet it's not even that simple. "No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy."

1 comment:

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

Don't ya hate it when you can't take back what you've said? Some of my worst memories/regrets are things I said innocently that were awkward, awkward, awkward--especially around in-laws. I have beat myself up over these things for years before I can let it go.