Working with what you have

One of "life lessons" i learned while i was in the Army National Guard was that you do not always get everything you need to do what you want/told to/need to. You have to make do with what you have. Not too long ago i took a self-test to see if i might have ADD (attention deficit disorder). I suspected something because of my on-going trouble focusing on tasks, etc. The result was "it is highly probably. You should consult with your physician." - which i did. I am now taking an ADD medication, which i am not sure is working just yet, but i'm told that you will see a dramatic improvement when you reach the dosage level required (which is apparently based on the individual). Well, earlier this week i decided to try and track down a self-test for Aspergers as my beloved feels i display similar traits as our DS#2. 8/ I took one that had 50 questions. Up front it told me that the overall average of those who took the test was 16.4, with a result of 32 being "in the spectrum" for Aspergers... i scored a 39. My beloved feels that over my 40+ years i have learned a lot of "coping" techniques. This one is harder to swallow, but as i honestly review memories, etc., i see what she is talking about. DS2 has been getting some excellent help from the state, and depending on if there is any support for adults (i.e. additional training aid requirements, etc.) i might pursue an official diagnosis. For a long time i've struggle to varying degrees with self confidence. For the Christian community such areas (both self confidence and things like ADD and Aspergers) are sort of shunned. To a degree i will agree with the assesment that there is a level of personal accountability. Pride is an insideous foe. It creeps in where you least expect it. it will even use "reverse psychology" on you. Over time i've dealt with it (thanks to C.J. and the other Pastors at Covenant life church for your rpeaching over the years). I've been able to pretty much keep my mind focused on who i am in Christ, and not really allowing myself to go to far with it. But the results of both of those tests have been a test for me. I have never really liked the term "God don't make junk", but i understand the purpose behind it. Such statements appeal to a person's ego, their pride. It does not really go far enough to describe the charecter of God, or explain adequetly the sinfulness of man, or how sin has tainted the world in which we now live. When i was a child i also suffered severe migraines and was diagnosed with post trama epilepsy (that cause some heartburn when i was trying to enlist in the Guard i tell you). So i've known i've had "head issues" all my life... ;-) But when i was younger Autism in general , and Aspergers more specifically, was relatively unknown. Even ADD was an 'emerging' field of study. For a time it felt like ADD was diagnosed too much... and maybe it was/is. I can't help but feel like i've somehow let my beloved down. Like she deserves something more... or better somehow. I see how she struggles to worth with what is going on with Steven, and with all that going on... i am somehow not 100% there for her.

As he [Jesus] passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him". (John 9:1-3, ESV)

Whatever my condition i need to keep in mind that God has allowed it to be so. If it is just my sinful man then i need to learn how to crucify it in Christ. To learn how to put it to death, and over come it. If this is indeed a "disability", then it is something that can bring glory to God. It is something that i need to learn how to best function within it, and learn new ways to overcome various obsticles that come into my path. When i went to Air Assault school in 1991 i was not in the "high speed" section of my unit - the Scouts. They were the "bad asses". The guys that ate dirt all weekend, went to Ranger school, and were born to repel out of helicopters. I went with two guys from our Admin section, one from the motor pool (they had to fill all the slots), myself, and three from the scout platoon. We were split up and i ended up in a "stick" all by myself. "Zero day" saw two of the Scouts dropped from the course! I breezed through Phase I and hit Phase II all full of myself. Then i failed the first test. You only get two tries, and i had to keep up with the rest of the course load while retraining on the prior phase. Fortunately Phase III was the repelling phase. I passed the re-test and was able to try a 100+' repel out of a Huey helicopter. My first attempt to push out the door i failed to take into account the extra weight of the rope and i found myself dangling by one arm pinned underneath the rope. I struggle and get back up, all the while the load master is yelling at me to get going because they cannot have an unbalanced load on the chopper. On my second try i cleared the skid and saw how far down my partner was... i made it down in two bounds (only braked twice)... now that was a rush. In the end i was so pumped i pushed myself to my (then) limits to pass the 12 mile road march in the allotted three hours. I was not about to give up then. Out of the seven men my unit sent, only three of us passed... myself, and the two admin guys! LOL I guess what i am saying is... perfection is an illusion... control, or at least complete control, is an illusion. God allowed me to be as i am... He reached down through eternity knowing exactly how i am... and He is with me as i learn to walk through this life... all the while learning how to overcome the obstacles He foresaw in my path. I am not perfect, and i have some deficiencies, but i am learning how to "adjust fire", how to adapt and overcome. I may have ADD and Aspergers, but that does not mean i give up trying to learn how to overcome in the areas i struggle with.