Misc Tuesday Ramblings

Ever feel like that whatever you do it's just not good enough. From a spiritual sense the notion is true. Our most valiant, Congressional Medal of Honor worthy, efforts will never bridge the gap between where we stand and where God is. But i am not referring to that in this post. Most people will agree that men - in general - are 'wired' to want to fix things. We see, or hear, about something that is wrong and we want to fix it. I know that when my beloved talks to me about various things it's very hard for me to not want to try and talk through how to fix things. Most of the time she just wants to talk it through, and for her that seems to be enough. but for me whatever it is is just lying there under the surface... waiting for me to take some form of action. And when that something is something that i have no control over, have no knowledge of how to fix, nor do i know anyone who knows how to fix... it can be extremely frustrating. Well, for the past eighteen months (and counting) my beloved has suffered from severe non-migraine headaches. She has been to several doctors and has been prescribed several medications. The antibiotics would help some, but once the Rx ran its course they would come back. The allergy medications worked the best but again, once they ran their course... She is currently receiving allergy shots once a week, and is on a pretty potent pain medication that she is supposed to take "as often as you need", but they leave her "loopy" for lack of a better word. The result is she is either kind of out of it, or in pain and is irritable to those around her. This has been her almost constant state for the last year and a half. The doctors have talked about the need to do various things like, remove carpeting from the house, get rid of pets (we don't have any), buy a Hepa vacuum cleaner, etc., so i started to look around to see what we could do. What i decided to do, that seemed to have the most impact for the money, was purchase a home air hepa system. A co-worked had to buy one for his wife who is severely disabled and says it changed her life. Before he had this system he had to perform the Heimlich manuver on her at least every other day, as well as change out his furnace filters every two to three weeks. Since he bought this system he has had to only do the Heimlich "maybe once", and he has gone to changing the furnace filters every other month. My beloved is not the only one who suffers with allergies, we all do. We also seem to have a lot of sinus infections during the fall and winter. I finally decided to do something by buying this system even though she is getting the shots and we all take allergy medicine. But it seems to be causing my beloved a lot of consternation. This is the story of my life. No matter what action i take it does not seem to be the right one.

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A long time friend called me up out of the blue this weekend to see if i would like to catch a movie or something this coming weekend. Once i made sure the calendar was clear i took him up on it. We're going to go catch The Watchmen. Before seeing the trailers for this movie i wasn't sure what it was all about. By the time these graphic novels came out i had been out of the comic book 'scene' and not really keeping up with the various story lines, etc. But that shan't matter because it will be a chance to hang out with a friend and catch a 'guy's' movie because it's not something i do very often. Speaking of movies i caught wind of a new trailer put out on-line for the new Terminator: Salvation movie (Due in theaters May 21)...

Watch the Trailer on Yahoo! Movies

Speaking of which... i recommend the television series Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. I check out various web forums for this show and the pessimism about this shows future drives me nuts. I am not naive enough to think that it will last forever, and it might even be hard to last beyond a this season, but i think it has a pretty good story line, and i am liking the characters enough to watch and try and keep track of what's going on. Fox, if you read this i am asking that you give this show a shot at a third season. I think the audiences out here will begin to appreciate it more as this season starts to wind down and some of the ideas the writers and trying to bring about. It may be taking longer than some may want it to, there are those of us out here that are willing to see some of the character development - especially that of the title character - we have seen of late. I know not everyone is into this genre, but i am pretty excited about it. I am also looking forward to The Road, but i think that movie will be more subdued. All of these things are spurring on my ideas for my "novel" (i use quotes because it is highly unlikely more than my immediate friends will ever read it, and probably not many of them). Still it is fun to write when i have time - which is about 300 words at a time. Well, this all i have time for today... here is the Yahoo! trailer for the movie...

Some day i might understand my fascination with this genre... that and my fascination with the feudal samurai... but of the latter i think i understand that a little more. May God richly bless each of you with His unlimited, and unmerited, grace.

Music Monday deferred... again

I usually do not allot a lot of time at home to blog... practically none, so when i do have access to the WWW my priorities are elsewhere. In any event, last night i was on-hold trying to re-register some Bible software i had loaded on an old laptop, and to see if i could even load it on the new Windows Vista (i know there will be a way, just will it be simple or...) and an old song came on as some of the hold music. It was perfect... it made me forget i was on hold waiting for a person and "took" me away to meditate. Maybe i am just that ditsy and easily distracted i don't know. If you have never heard of the man Keith Green i highly encourage you to click on the links (on his name) as well as for once of his legacies: Last Days Ministries. In my opinion he could write powerful contemporary songs before Christian music was thinking along those lines.

Grace by Which I Stand by Keith Green Lord, the feelings are not the same, I guess I'm older, I guess I've changed. And how I wish it had been explained, that as you're growing you must remember, That nothing lasts, except the grace of God, by which I stand, in Jesus. I know that I would surely fall away, except for grace, by which I'm saved. Lord, I remember that special way, I vowed to serve you, when it was brand new. But like Peter, I can't even watch and pray, one hour with you, And I bet, I could deny you too. But nothing lasts, except the grace of God, by which I stand, in Jesus. I'm sure that my whole life would waste away, except for grace, by which I'm saved. But nothing lasts, except the grace of God, by which I stand, in Jesus. I know that I would surely fall away, except for grace, by which I'm saved.

As i continue to walk through this life, trying to provide for and lead my family reminders like this are so sweet to my soul. The longer we walk with the Lord, the more aware we become of the sin that so devastatingly permeates everything we do. I once heard it say that sin in our lives is like yeast in a ball of dough.re is nothing that is not stained by it. Our best work is tainted by it. That is why we are in so desperate need of a Savior, and that is why i am so in need of my Savior's grace day-by-day... moment by moment. I no longer fear the second death, but i know that without His sacrifice i would not have such an opinion. May God surround each of you with His loving arms, and may He gently reveal the mercy and grace that is so readily available through His Son, Jesus Christ.

Ash Wednesday - and other ramblings

I am not Catholic... i didn't grow up Catholic... so when DS1 asked me what the whole deal with 'Fat Tuesday' was i was at a loss for words. I had to really think about things to try and explain it to him. I talked about Mardi Gras, i talked about Martin Luther, and my perception of the influence of the Catholic Church. etc. While i do not 'blame' the Catholic church for things that go on during such things like 'Fat Tuesday' - the Protestant Church(es) really have not done all that much better in influencing such activities, i am aware of how certain 'tolerances' over the ages have led to such things. Each person has an individual mind. We all make our own choices, and yet it is His providence that allows such things. I have a favorite saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink". The same can be said about each individual that is brought to the source of Living Water... you can show them, you can teach them, but you have no control over how said individual responds to such exposure. I am not able to predict how anyone responds to the Word of God, nor am i am able to understand how it would be possible to be exposed to Christ and not be changed. Once i am on the other side perhaps i will learn, but for now i am at a loss for how to explain such things as 'Fat Tuesday' beyond describing the obvious. Yesterday my beloved received her first alergy shot. Unfortunately we also learned that there will be a $21 co-pay for each visit, plus a 40+ mile round trip to get it (using another $4+ worth of gas. This has caused her more consternation because it will add $100 to our budget which is getting stretched tighter and tighter each month, and without having a pay raise on over two years, and my 'loss' of income from the Guard "Linner" is becoming more and more common at our house. By God's grace we are not going into debt. He has provided us with enough income to meet all of our bills, but we have not been able to save anything for some time. I told my beloved that i did not care if we started to drain our emergency funds (my mother's life insurance money from when she passed away) because i am tired of her being in pain all the time. She has constant headaches (not migranes) which is causing other issues to flare up as well. I know we are going to have to spend other money to help ease her symptoms (and some in the rest of the family as well) - but ultimately, God has provided us with money and we are able to respond to such things - at least for now. Bethesda Softworks has begun to release downloadable (DLC) content for Fallout 3. "Operation: Anchorage" was the first one, "The Pitt" is scheduled for April right now, to be followed up by "Broken Steel". I haven't even finished the main game yet, but i am interested in adding to the game that i do have. Unfortunately Bethesda Softworks has apparently sold themselves to the 'devil' in that the only way to obtain these files is through Game for Windows LIVE (GFWL). So, even after you purchase the DLC and download it, you must be connected on-line to play the new files. Unfortunately i made the consious choice to load this game on my laptop which will never be connected to the WWW. There are user guidelines on how to transfer the files from a GFWL directory to the Fallout 3 directories, but Bethesda Softworks will not support that (meaning if something goes toes up you are on your own). I understand such marketing strategies, but that does not mean i like it when i am on the receiving end of getting hosed. Well, i have rambled on long enough for now...

Rambling Monday

The past week or so has flashed by so quick that i can scarcely remember what day of the week it is. I know it's Monday and all, but it feels more like a late Thursday or even a Friday. My family and i took a mini-vacation this past weekend. We ran up to Lancaster, PA for Friday night and Saturday, then we headed up to Derry Township (more commonly known as Hershey). It was nice to get away, but as everyone knows, such trips are not very restful. DS1 was also particularly ornery this weekend as he seemed to want to see how far he can toe up to the line of his boundaries. We love Hershey Park, Derry Township, Chocolate World, the Lodge, etc. For me it has more to do with the admiration of Milton S. Hershey than anything else. Here is an original philanthropist. Shortly after his wife (Catherine, aka "Kitty") passed away in 1915 Mr. Hershey signed away his entire stake in the company he worked so hard to build not two decades after he started it - over $60 million dollars to the Hershey Trust Foundation to make sure that his legacy would be to entrust the future of his and his wife's School for boys (girls were later admitted and are now 50% of the students). I do not think i could do this man justice in trying to describe all that he did for others, but i would highly encourage anyone who happens to read these few words to pick up a copy of his biography. While away i had a couple of ideas for the next set of short stories i would like to write. One is a continuation of the series i've started and posted over on my short stories 'blog', so i hope to have some more updates for there (my first in late April of last year), and the other is a sort of prelude to the book i'd like to write. In actuality they will be the same story, but told from different points of view. When we got home yesterday afternoon i rushed to unpack the car and whipped out my laptop to jot down the notes. But life has different ideas, LOL. I had to run to the store for much needed groceries, there was homework to get done, i had to buy new printer cartridges, etc. I also got side tracked with various notes for the main charecter of the story - who is one of the points of view for one of the short stories - so i never did actually get around to starting either of them. *sigh* But i am excited to have some ideas for more material. Is it normal for a writer, who will probably never be publlished, to get so excited about story ideas or storylines - or even just ideas for various characters? I think it is, but since i work in sort of a vacuum i was curious. I had a song all lined up for today, for my "Music Monday" series, but it turns out i've already used it, so i will have to pass for this week. Sorry,i didn't havea backup in the wings. :-)

Working with what you have

One of "life lessons" i learned while i was in the Army National Guard was that you do not always get everything you need to do what you want/told to/need to. You have to make do with what you have. Not too long ago i took a self-test to see if i might have ADD (attention deficit disorder). I suspected something because of my on-going trouble focusing on tasks, etc. The result was "it is highly probably. You should consult with your physician." - which i did. I am now taking an ADD medication, which i am not sure is working just yet, but i'm told that you will see a dramatic improvement when you reach the dosage level required (which is apparently based on the individual). Well, earlier this week i decided to try and track down a self-test for Aspergers as my beloved feels i display similar traits as our DS#2. 8/ I took one that had 50 questions. Up front it told me that the overall average of those who took the test was 16.4, with a result of 32 being "in the spectrum" for Aspergers... i scored a 39. My beloved feels that over my 40+ years i have learned a lot of "coping" techniques. This one is harder to swallow, but as i honestly review memories, etc., i see what she is talking about. DS2 has been getting some excellent help from the state, and depending on if there is any support for adults (i.e. additional training aid requirements, etc.) i might pursue an official diagnosis. For a long time i've struggle to varying degrees with self confidence. For the Christian community such areas (both self confidence and things like ADD and Aspergers) are sort of shunned. To a degree i will agree with the assesment that there is a level of personal accountability. Pride is an insideous foe. It creeps in where you least expect it. it will even use "reverse psychology" on you. Over time i've dealt with it (thanks to C.J. and the other Pastors at Covenant life church for your rpeaching over the years). I've been able to pretty much keep my mind focused on who i am in Christ, and not really allowing myself to go to far with it. But the results of both of those tests have been a test for me. I have never really liked the term "God don't make junk", but i understand the purpose behind it. Such statements appeal to a person's ego, their pride. It does not really go far enough to describe the charecter of God, or explain adequetly the sinfulness of man, or how sin has tainted the world in which we now live. When i was a child i also suffered severe migraines and was diagnosed with post trama epilepsy (that cause some heartburn when i was trying to enlist in the Guard i tell you). So i've known i've had "head issues" all my life... ;-) But when i was younger Autism in general , and Aspergers more specifically, was relatively unknown. Even ADD was an 'emerging' field of study. For a time it felt like ADD was diagnosed too much... and maybe it was/is. I can't help but feel like i've somehow let my beloved down. Like she deserves something more... or better somehow. I see how she struggles to worth with what is going on with Steven, and with all that going on... i am somehow not 100% there for her.

As he [Jesus] passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him". (John 9:1-3, ESV)

Whatever my condition i need to keep in mind that God has allowed it to be so. If it is just my sinful man then i need to learn how to crucify it in Christ. To learn how to put it to death, and over come it. If this is indeed a "disability", then it is something that can bring glory to God. It is something that i need to learn how to best function within it, and learn new ways to overcome various obsticles that come into my path. When i went to Air Assault school in 1991 i was not in the "high speed" section of my unit - the Scouts. They were the "bad asses". The guys that ate dirt all weekend, went to Ranger school, and were born to repel out of helicopters. I went with two guys from our Admin section, one from the motor pool (they had to fill all the slots), myself, and three from the scout platoon. We were split up and i ended up in a "stick" all by myself. "Zero day" saw two of the Scouts dropped from the course! I breezed through Phase I and hit Phase II all full of myself. Then i failed the first test. You only get two tries, and i had to keep up with the rest of the course load while retraining on the prior phase. Fortunately Phase III was the repelling phase. I passed the re-test and was able to try a 100+' repel out of a Huey helicopter. My first attempt to push out the door i failed to take into account the extra weight of the rope and i found myself dangling by one arm pinned underneath the rope. I struggle and get back up, all the while the load master is yelling at me to get going because they cannot have an unbalanced load on the chopper. On my second try i cleared the skid and saw how far down my partner was... i made it down in two bounds (only braked twice)... now that was a rush. In the end i was so pumped i pushed myself to my (then) limits to pass the 12 mile road march in the allotted three hours. I was not about to give up then. Out of the seven men my unit sent, only three of us passed... myself, and the two admin guys! LOL I guess what i am saying is... perfection is an illusion... control, or at least complete control, is an illusion. God allowed me to be as i am... He reached down through eternity knowing exactly how i am... and He is with me as i learn to walk through this life... all the while learning how to overcome the obstacles He foresaw in my path. I am not perfect, and i have some deficiencies, but i am learning how to "adjust fire", how to adapt and overcome. I may have ADD and Aspergers, but that does not mean i give up trying to learn how to overcome in the areas i struggle with.

Music Monday - 20090216

It seems of late that i am wandering around, spiritually speaking. Like i do not really have a direction or a purpose. Over the weekend, while finishing my taxes for 2008 and painting my DS1's room, i figured out how to hook up a set of old P/C speakers to my MP3 player. (Ok, it was not that hard, but i remembered out i had all the things i needed to do such a thing - now i just need to find a spare monitor cable to hook up my laptop to our new flat screen TV... i just have to see what Fallout 3 looks like on such a monster of a screen!) In the past i had "dumped all of the CD's i've ever owned onto my laptop (it is never knowingly connected to the internet, and thus my MP3 player), one of which is a copy of the two Russ Taff CD's... Medals, and The Way Home. The song i am choosing for this week was one of the tracks that came up during the "random shuffle". It kind of summed up what i have been feeling spiritually of late. It's hard to put into words, but when it feels like you might need to "move on" but haven't really heard that is what God wants you to do. When it feels like that if you bring up any concerns you are considered a trouble maker, or a tool of the enemy to cause division. If you bring such things up to leadership you are told, "if that's the way you feel..."... kind of the impression, don't let the door hit you on your way out... and yet you know that unless the Lord leads... you should not move. "Be still and know that I am God" (Proverbs 46:10) comes to mind, but it's not the exact context i thought it was... but still a good verse to meditate on within the context... anyway, the song i felt like sharing this week is:

I need You by Russ Taff There's a candle in the dark Through tears I watch the flame There's a voice deep inside my heart And it's calling out Your name And I need You I need You There's a danger in the dark But I live by Your light I know I'm somewhere near the edge Cause I feel the cold tonight And I need You I need You Winter wind blows could outside Storm warnings in the night I'm sitting in my lonely room Just staring at the only light And I need you There's a candle in the dark And a shadow on my wall I watch the flame and not the edge I watch the light and not the fall I need You I need You to guide my step I need You to get me by I need the light that's in Your love I need that fire in Your eye

I tried to find a video, but was unsuccessful...

Happy Friday the 13th, and Valentine's Day!

Happy Friday the 13th

Personally i am not superstitious. When i was a kid i would drive my mother nuts! I would go out of my way to walk under ladders, i would pick up pennies no matter which side was up, i would walk on the other side of posts/poles/etc. from her. I would befriend any black animal i came across, especially black cats (hmm... a thought just came to mind... maybe that's why i am a Carolina Panthers fan). My mom would just plain freak out. I'm not sure if it had to do with the fact i was born in the month of October, but that stuff just doesn't bother me. I have silly habits that i like to do, but i know they ultimately do not affect the things of the universe. Some call religion in general, to include Christianity, a superstition. To be honest, i don't have a well thought out rebuttal to such a statement. I guess that makes me 'superstitious' after all... at least according to such a definition. And if all it takes is to be identified as a Christian for such a 'label', then i shall wear it proudly. A genre of movies often closely associated with superstitions (using the broad definition of black cats, etc) are Horror movies. When i was younger i watched NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, and the NIGHTMARE and FRIDAY, movies. I don't think i ever understood what attracted me to them. But i do know that i will never watch the movie BIRDS ever, ever again! Since then i've grown out of it. It evens bothers me as it draws close to my birthday. Most of the movie advertising is for horror movies to coincide with the upcoming 'holiday' (Halloween), and now i am seeing it more and more around Valentine's Day. :/ *sigh* Horror movies are also closely related to my favorite genre - Sci-Fi. I enjoy the Sci-Fi channel, but there are seassons where i just avoid that channel all together. Speaking of which... Tonight season 2 continues for Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. I like this series a lot. The story line is stretched because of the writers really trying to pursue too many story arcs (IMO), but i like how the charecters are drawn together. I'm having a hard time with Riley character, but i've liked how she's turned John's head a little. You feel for the guy. He's lived a pretty messed up adventure of a life, and she has helped him feel just a little bit normal. Tonight's episode is supposed to be pretty good, some plot twists. You will get to see more of the terminator side of Catherine Weaver (played by Shirley Manson, who belted out a great rendition of the old-time gospel song, Sampson and Delilah - written by Rev. Gary Davis). I have been following the Terminator blog and there have been some nice tidbits of information coming out by Fox, and i am particularly liking how the fan base is rallying around the show. Critics haven't been sold/convinced, but i am enjoying it very much so far. This show, and of course Terminator Salvation (4), coming out in May - which i guess can be construed as part Sci-Fi and part Horror. For my money though, my favorite charecter of the show is James Ellison. I like this guy because he is a man of faith. A man who has seen some incredible things, things that are pretty hard to swallow. And he has an on-going dialog within himself to reconcile the things he knows from scripture, and the things he sees in his "new found" world of reality. It gives me the creeps seeing him so close to the clandestine terminator (Catherine Weaver), but only because he is so close to danger and he has no idea, but what an interesting plot line of him teaching "John Henry" (aka Cromartie)! The A.I. that Catherine has brought under her protection was at one time exhibiting the characteristics of a child. It shall be interesting to see how the verse "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6, ESV) will play out, and more importantly, how it will affect James. I think one of the things that really draws me into the show is how the writers incorporate Christian concepts and themes within the show. Several of the 'theme songs' have been gospel-like (Sampson and Delilah, and When the Man Comes Around, come quickly to mind), and there have been several story-line 'connections' if you will. That does not make the show Christian, and i am not real sure if any of the writing team are Christian, but it does bring Christian concepts up... and that can cause one to think. And when one thinks about the things of God - this is a good thing. Often my prayer is that when such things come up, that God would move in the hearts to whom He has brought such things to the fore. Ok, well... i've rambled on long enough. Although i do not have any plans for my beloved and me for Valentine's Day - i hope you all have a blessed romantic time with your own beloveds. May God draw each of you closer to Him, and as a result, closer to each other.