I've got nothin'

Even before the frequency of my posts began to wane... i had realized that i was struggling with depression... if there are still those around who used to read this blog before, probably already know this.  What i had not realized was... just what a toll it was taking on those around me.  Yes, i was suffering with depression... but i was dragging those around me, down as well.

Right now, my brain is foggy, so... this will not be as coherent a post, as i would like, but i feel compelled to write anyway... like i've said elsewhere... this blog is mostly for myself... but... if it can be used for others... thus, i share it on-line.

I began seeing a new therapist this past April.  My beloved had been begging me to start going again for a while, and my own pride kept telling me that i was fine (again).  Well, this therapist is a magnitude better than my previous one... shortly into our sessions, she recommended that i talk to my doctor about possibly changing up some of my depression and ADD Rx's, which i did.  Wow.  Within just a few days of weening off of the old depression Rx, and onto the new one, i noticed a difference.  It would take two or three weeks to stabilize, but i honestly felt like my eyes had opened for the first time in... well, longer than i could remember.  Unfortunately... i also saw what damage i had wrought in my own marriage as well.  Unfortunately... the "Big D Thelma and Louise car" was at full throttle heading towards that cliff.

I am blessed that my therapist is a Christian, as are the others at the same practice.  I began experiencing panic attacks, and a few other depression symptoms, but, i continued to work with my therapist, and trying to open my eyes more, to learn more, to hit the brakes, but i was no longer in control (as if i ever truly were).

This past summer (2015) has been a roller coaster ride, to say the least.  Then, after an angry outburst by me (not my first in our marriage i am ashamed to say), my beloved had finally had enough, and told me as such.  She asked me to leave the house so that she could have space.  I will not lie... it felt like i was experiencing seppuku... like a long sharp instrument had been rammed up through my stomach into my heart.

For a time, i flailed, and "reached out" to anyone, and everyone, i could think of... well, not everyone, but... a lot of people.  All of them, to a (wo)man, told me that... this is what i had to do.  I had been mentally abusive to my wife, and of i wanted ANY chance of saving my marriage, it would be best.  I really did NOT like that idea... and i attacked it any which way i could.  I even had outbursts at my longtime friends... who were only trying to help me and my beloved, and our marriage.  To put it mildly... this was not 'samurai' at his finest.

Finally, i honestly felt a whisper in my mind... "trust me"... and, in much pain, i did move out.  I remember entering a date into my Facebook messenger, to myself, the day my beloved said that she wanted to talk... it was just moments before my angry outburst that had kicked the final leg out from my weak-sand-construction of a marriage.  Since then, i have deactivated my Facebook account, in honor of recommendations to do so, as i honestly do tend to share too much - without consideration of my beloved's feelings, or desires. I have also deactivated my other social media accounts, which i really didn't use anyway.

A month prior to my angry outburst, i had heard words from my beloved that i thought i would never hear... i will not share them here... but, they cut me to the core.  Now - while she was the one saying these things, and "causing" me pain, it had been years of neglect from me, her husband, the one to whom God had entrusted the hand of His daughter to love, honor, cherish, protect... and this was the culmination of years of failure on my part.  While my beloved has participated in this long spiral... this blog is about me... and i am owning up to my failures, and not to point out hers.

If anyone is still reading this, the outlook seems bleak, does it not?

But, this 'samurai' is in the service of the greatest Lord in all of history.  The Lord Jesus Christ, his Father, and the Holy Spirit.  Within a day of my terrible outburst, i felt a peace re: something my beloved had shared.  Despite a long struggle with paranoia in the regards to the subject... in regards to knowing, and sensing, just how far my beloved had pulled away (again, precipitated by my neglect towards her)... i just had a peace.  Many fellow Christians will know what i am talking about... it is possible that some non-Christians too... but, i do not know for sure.  So, when the "invitation" to "step aside" finally came the next day... while i was, and still am in many way, in severe emotional pain... i was at peace with a really "big rock".  I'd like to say that i had learned my lesson and immediately repented... but, it has been (only) three long weeks since i began staying elsewhere.

Since then, i have continued my therapy... sometimes as much as four times in a week.  What can i say... this 'samurai' is a severely broken piece of work.  I have finally swallowed my pride regarding my Aspergers, my depression, and ADD, and submitted a "request of accommodations" with my employer.  I am fortunate, and extremely blessed, that those whom God has placed around me, already know of my 'quirks', and have already worked with me.  The only reason i did that was... this separation has been extremely taxing on me... talk about being "stretched" by God.

I've started journaling (pen and paper - chicken scratch mostly), actually joined a gym, will be trying Yoga (because i really swallow up my frustrations, and it is taking a toll on my body from within), and had my eyes open to just how much i need to work on.  In the past... this would have overwhelmed me... but, in the past three weeks... i have experienced another peace descend upon me.  One about my marriage.  God has allowed this apex crises to arise, so that it would be addressed, and addressed in full... not in a patch work fashion.

While i still want this to all be fixed now... God has allowed me to see just how "broken" i really am... how "fearfully and wonderfully made" i am... how broken my beloved is (both because of me, but because she is her own person, in her own way as well)... and how He is working through all of this.  Through all of the weeping... the pride... the pain... through a severely damaged marriage... through two broken people... and the friends He has surrounded them with.

I am still staying at a hotel at present, but my beloved and i are talking.  We are both in (separate) counseling.  And while we have a long road ahead of us... the light at the end of the tunnel, does not look like an oncoming freight train.  A word of self caution though... this 'samurai' is still fully capable of screwing it all up... but...

God willing... more to follow.

(I had, and have, a lot of scripture references that came to mind, but, this is not as well thought out, and i've not taken as much time as i would have preferred... but... hopefully, i will be taking more time to be more thorough moving forward.)

A P.P.S. - also came to mind... this past weekend, was the 24th anniversary of the day i met my beloved... not a fun memory to recount while apart from her... but, it was also a day of reflection... i am looking forward to walk through the healing with God, and my beloved (in time)...

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How to walk, when blinded by self

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. (Romans 12:1-2, ESV)

I start my blog this week knowing that, if anyone other than myself, actually reads this, is going to think, 'Hey!  Don't judge!', but i am going to go forward anyway, and hope that the reader will still be around by the end of this blog entry for today, and at least give me a change to fully explain my train of thought... well, maybe not fully... but at least attempt to better expound my point of view some. Recently i have become aware of two, somewhat close, people who are at least within 2 degrees of myself, who are, or where, actively engaged in sinful behavior.  One was a nineteen year old, who attended a Christian school for at least seven years.  The other is a person whom i have known for at as long as i have been married.  Both grew up with people who attended church, but in each case, they willfully engaged in sex outside of the covenant of marriage.  The point of this blog, is actually not to focus on these two people, not in a singling out sort of way.  It is, however, an attempt to illustrate a deep concern i have regarding the American church in general.

It is of my opinion that the American church has been 'suffering' a time of prosperity.  A time where we could get comfortable and complacent in our pursuit of God - which He has amply supplied us with grace to pursue.  We allow ourselves to become distracted by the world, to covet the things of the world.  To actively pursue the things of the world, and yet, at the same time, allow our passion for Christ to be sidelined and placed and secondary (or even tertiary) to our heart.

I PLACE MYSELF IN THIS CATEGORY AS WELL!!!

For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!  (Romans 7:14-25a, ESV)

We allow ourselves to become callous to the very things that put Christ on the cross in the first place!  And then, when we may perceive a possibly questionable act by others, we are told to "Judge not, lest you be judged!"  We become timid, and afraid to speak in love and truth into our friend's and/or neighbor's lives.  Is it even possible to discuss such things anymore?

“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” He also told them a parable: “Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit? A disciple is not above his teacher, but everyone when he is fully trained will be like his teacher. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother's eye." (Luke 6:37-38, ESV)

I say it is.  But how?  For one thing, we can NEVER consider ourselves better than someone else.  For another, it is NOT our place to judge the person we seek to help.  Only God will be the judge.  We also have to allow for the Holy Spirit to move in grace and love.  It is entirely possible that what you are seeing as a sinful action, may not even be on the person's "radar".  Why?  because God is working on other things in that person's life at the time, or they have become spiritually blind to it.  Don't allow it to become a source of division, but, if the person receives the word, than try and help as best you can, if it is not time, or the person does not want to receive the word, then back off.  Ultimately it is NOT we who affect the change in other people.  All of us, myself included, are only changed when the self works in concert with the Holy Spirit.  Until we stand before the Throne of the Father of heaven and earth, and we hear "Well done", we are going to be dealing with the stain of sin in everything that we do on a daily basis.  Like a pinch of leaven permeates the entire batch of dough, so does sin infest our very flesh.  It will only be completely removed when the Fathers gives us our new clothes, and our new bodies, will it be dealt within in finality.

For some time, God has brought people in to my life.  People in deep pain.  People only just seeing the sin in themselves, and in others.  Each time i have prayed for the Holy Spirit to speak truth through me, and that it not be me or my opinions that is heard.  I have encouraged women to leave abusive relationships.  I have told men to swallow their pride and be the man of their house that they needed to be.  I have mostly listened.  Some crazy life situations, and those that are seeking do not want just pat answers and glib statements.  They want to know that you hear them, that you see, in some small degree, that you know or understand.  I am VERY aware of the Word of God where it talks about divorce being a sin except in the case of infidelity, but i also honestly believe that God would not just patently condemn someone for leaving a person who is abusive either physically or mentally.  Christ took the time to reach out and touch the leper, to talk to the woman who had five husbands - AND was living with a 6th man, who was she was not married to.  Christ knew this BEFORE he spoke to her.  The woman that was to be stoned by the crowd - he did not condemn.  Example, after example, of those who are struggling and hurting IN their sin, Christ spoke to them about the love of the Father.  He repeatedly would reach out to them, preach to them, heal them, never condemning them where they found themselves in sin, and always telling them to "go and sin no more" (which all of us who walk with Christ daily know, is neigh impossible, as i expounded upon above).

That is not to say that what they, or i, was doing, wasn't sinful and SHOULD be stopped.  We must each walk out our sanctification with the Lord on a daily basis, but always know, that when you are ready to turn to Him, he is ready to receive and forgive you.  Just like the thief upon the cross, right next to Jesus, began the day, taunting and hurling insults at Jesus, near the end asked that Jesus to remember him when Jesus entered in to His kingdom, and right then Jesus said to that man, “Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise.” (Luke 23:43, ESV)  No one has the power to save, or condemn, but God.  It is only our duty as His followers, to convey the message as it has been revealed to us, and then allow it to be received, or rejected.  I say all of this and want to punctuate one thing - that does NOT mean everyone goes to heaven.  The Bible is clear, human-beings are sinners, in need of saving grave, and NOT everyone who thinks they are Christians will be saved.  The following, is in the very same chapter where it says "Judge not..."!

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness." (Matthew 7:21-23, ESV)

I started out this blog conveying a deep concern for the health of the American church, and i ended it with my thoughts regarding grace and salvation.  While they may not seem to correlate on the surface, i am trying to say they are one and the same.  Be faithful with the Word of God.  Be willing to speak out in truth and love, but also be aware that the Holy Spirit, and the person(s) you are speaking to, will not always receive what you have to say.  Only God can change a mind, change a community, change a region, a state, a nation.  Israel has walked with God some six thousand years, and even today the "Nation of Israel" does not have a place to call their home in peace.  Why?  Because their home is not of this world, and neither is the Christian's.  Like the Samaritan woman who "ate the scraps off the floor from the Master's table" (ref: Matthew 15:26-28), we can leave the progress of people, and of nations, to the Lord.  We just need to tend to the troubles of today.

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Random Dozen Wednesday - 20100818

Yea!  It's time for another random dozen!  Linda over at 2nd Cup of Coffee hosts this fun meme.  Surf on over and check her blog out!

1. What is your favorite fair/carnival food?

For me it has to be Carmel Covered Apples.  Mostly because i do not get them very often, and i associate them with carnivals for some reason.  I've never enjoyed Cotton Candy - too sticky.  Funnel cakes... too... fried.  There is just something about the chewy caramel wrapped around a golden delicious apple.  Yummy!

2. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

There is always something to let go of... my own pride often gets into my own way.  Recently  the Holy Spirit has been showing me that i need to let go of many of my own preferences.  Something specific... probably my desire to have "my own time" as often as i do.  It's important to have decompress time... but i think i need to dial that way back.

3. What is your favorite gift to receive?

Game time... *chuckle*, i like to receive time to sit down and play Fallout 3, etc.  But the more practical, and just as enjoyable, restaurant gift cards.  My Beloved and i love to eat out.  With and without the kids.  The meals are usually delicious, no clean up, no prep work, etc. 

4. When was the last time you tried something new?

6-Aug @ about 1330 EDT - I went to a somewhat distant Mexican restaurant that i love with current and former co-workers (we were all together for the funeral of my friend's wife - she was the quadriplegic i had mentioned in past posts).  I usually go with the dishes i know, but this time i tried the lunch special... i was disappointed.  Usually that prevents me from trying something new... but i am actually eager to try some of the other items on the menu now.

5. What is your favorite and least favorite book genre?

To be honest i am not entirely sure because i really do tend to stick to things i know i like; however, the books i like the least are technical study books. For my job it is really helpful if you have certifications, and currently the most economical way to study for them is to buy the books and try and digest them.  It's like trying to build a toy wooden boat out of sawdust for me.

6.Silver or Gold?

Choosing between these two... silver.  I have a skin tone that just allows silver to look better - in my opinion.  To me gold is somewhat tacky, where as silver is more refined and beautiful.  If my Beloved and i ever exchange new rings to renew our vows, etc. i believe i will seek to have either platinum or white gold.

7. What makes you sigh?

This question caught me off guard for some reason.  I think the thing that makes me sigh the most is when someone does not put forth a good effort to do something, and takes the easy way out.  It's not beyond their ability, but beyond their willingness.  People who are not considerate of others and prefer to satisfy their own desires over the desires (or needs) of others.  I am not talking about someone who is already putting themselves out there, who is stretched and not able to stretch further, but people who just can't be bothered.  I usually sigh when i encounter such things.

8. If you didn't know how old you are, how old would you claim you are?

I think 39.  I liked my 30's - and i am loving my... well, years after that... too.

9. Would you break a law to save a loved one? To protect a loved one?

There are a lot of facets to that question... however, yes.  Depending on the context of "save" or "protect" is though.  Am i "saving" them from having to say go to jail because my loved one robbed a bank or killed some one... no, i would not "protect" or "save" them from that, but am i trying to "save" or "protect" them from say a bad relationship, yes.

10. If you had to teach something, what would it be?

I would like to think i would be able to teach about the Holiness of God.  Actually, i may be doing just that with the teens in my church here soon.  I am not talking about Evangelism per se, but the expounding of the characteristics of God.  I am a finite teacher, but if God would allow me, and work through me, to reveal something of Himself - even if the listeners never accept Christ - i feel that would be a great thing.

11. You're having lunch with 3 people whom you respect and admire. They begin to criticize a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. What do you do?

I would like to think that i would begin to defend them.  Probably after remaining silent for too long before i spoke up.  In the end i do not like it when people criticize anyone, but especially when i know the person being spoken of.  If i know what they are saying isn't true i will more often than not speak up.

A fool's lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invites a beating.A fool's mouth is his ruin, and his lips are a snare to his soul. The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body. (Proverbs 18:6-8, ESV)

12. Which of the 5 Love Languages is your prominent means of experiencing love?

I retook the test just to make sure... for me it is a tie between Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation.  My Beloved and i actually went through the whole book sometime back and my results have remained fairly consistent, but one thing i have noticed about these kinds of quizzes.  Results can vary from day to day depending on experiences (both recent and older) and current mood.  It also is highly dependent upon the test taker being completely honest and truthful.

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Ramblings on my way to the Random Dozen

I can usually tell when i am not feeling well.  I have bizarre dreams, like being trapped on a billiard table and something is basically playing nine-ball with me trying to avoid getting knocked around.  Last night i was back in the National Guard and getting deployed somewhere.  The base we arrived at was mostly abandoned, but with all new buildings.  The "barracks" i, and a lot of others, had been assigned to was a single family styled house... but it was like the crazy Lego houses i used to build when i was a kid.  Stairways and doors that go nowhere, passageways way too small, that kind of thing.  I don't have a fever that i know of, but i most definitely have not been getting good nights of sleep lately.  Now that i think about it... i wonder if that dream was related to my blog from yesterday...

Ok, enough about me... it is now time for this week's Random Dozen...

1. Have you ever fired a gun or shot a bow and arrow? ~ Both actually.  When my mother was dating an avid hunter type of fellow (who absolutely LOVED Bluegrass music by the way)we went to a Turkey Shoot one fall day.  While i hadn't ask to, they entered me in the shooting competition.  One shot at a target with a .12 gauge shotgun.  Closest to the center would win.  That thing knocked me off of the stump and on my backside.  I will never forget the ringing in my ears.  While i never went hunting with the fellow, i did appreciate what he did (in trying to include me in his family).  Later on when i joined the Army National Guard i found i had already had some basics when it came to the marksmanship ~ qualified expert on my first go, and that was with a jam that cost me three rounds.

Later, when i tried a game called Dagorhir, i really got into archery.  Of all my youthful hobbies, i regret not practicing this more and carrying it through into my adulthood.  Specifically i prefer the recurve bow over the "stick" design, and much more than the compound variety.

2. Do you  know where your childhood best friends are? ~ From before High School?  I only ever remember one.  Billy "Auto" L.  I've made sporadic attempts at finding him again, but no success.  Probably for the better, i was a real handful back then.  But my High School friends, very much so.  I am still best friends with one.  I refer to him here in my blog as RAM.  Our families still get together at least every other month, and our kids get along really well.  His son and DS2 look a LOT alike.  They are only a month a part in age, and we have had people come up to us and ask if they are twins.  All of my other friends from High School, sans two, i have kept in touch with.

3. Do you usually arrive  early, late, or on time? ~ My preference is to arrive no later then ten minutes prior to whatever it is, sometimes more. When my beloved and i first got married this was a huge "sticky" point between us.  Mostly because of my own issues.  As we have gone through life, and especially in working with trying to get the entire family anywhere, i have loosened up a little.  My preference is still to be early, and i still struggle when we are running late (to anything), but i am not as 'rabid' as i used to be.

4. Are you more of a New York or California  type? ~ I have lived in New York City, and i spent a few summers in California - i would consider myself more of the laid back California type.  This is more based on the stereotypes of both regions than personal experience though. 

5. Do you have a special ring tone? ~ I am not a big ringtone kind of guy, but yes i do. 8)  In the past if it was an incoming call from work my phone would play the Death March, but now i use "Peace on Earth" by Casting Crowns.  I just love that song, and it is quickly becoming a favorite especially around Christmas time.

 

6. What is your favorite  type of chip? ~ I prefer AMD over Intel.  Not because of quality, quite the contrary.  I like to root for the little guy, and AMD usually has enough umph for what i want/need.  But if i had to go high end, and have the absolute best, i would go with Intel.  Oh, you were talking about like... chips and salsa... um... Baked Lays for just a plain chip, and Tostitos Scoops.

7. Best comedy you've ever seen is .... ~That is a really relative term.  My opinions even vary from "season" to "season".  Maybe my funny-bone is broken, but there is really no one "funniest", although... The Cosby Show was really constantly funny.  Mr. Bill Cosby is always good for a laugh for me.

8. Have you  ever cut your own hair? To quote Dr. Phil, "How'd that work for ya?" ~ All the time.  I use a set of electric clippers and sled #'s 3, 2, 1.  I usually have to have my beloved touch up the neck though.  I haven't paid for a haircut since the mid 90's.

9.  If you were going to have an extreme makeover, would you rather it be  about your house or your personal self? ~ If you were to ask that question of my beloved i am sure there would be a part of her that would say me.  But overall we would probably agree the house.  Not that we don't love our house, but we would just like to get all of the walls painted, and maybe do a little bit more with what there is.

10. Are you allergic to  anything? ~ Life. 8)  Pollen, Dust, and a whatever a Dentist used to put me out when i was seventeen to take my wisdom teeth out.  I was sick as a dog for three days.  All i did was sleep, "purge" the stomach, and use the bathroom.  I sucked on tea bags (Lipton blend) the whole time.  Two days after that i was up and chopping wood to keep myself busy.

11. Why is it so hard to change? ~ Pride.  In my opinion most of the issues "man" has are directly related to pride.  It is in our nature to want what we want when and how we want it.  Why should we change?  Why can't everyone else just get used to the way we (i.e. I) am?  In the end, it is harder to get something to move that is at rest than something that is in motion.

12. One last question  dedicated to February love: CS Lewis said, "To love is to be  vulnerable." Please share one example of that assertion or share any  thought you'd like to about this topic. ~ For me it means admitting that i am wrong, even when my own pride rails against me doing so.  Why?  Because i am hopelessly in love with my beloved.  I am me, and although there are things about me that she is not all that sure about, she loves me.  What hurts the most is when i can tell she is disappointed in me, or she says something that i interpret that i am somehow deficient in some way.  But at the end of the day, i am hers and she is mine.

13. (Bonus Question to make up for the one i didn't make up last week) Can You Taste The Difference Between Pepsi And Coke? ~ Not even close in my opinion.  Some people say, "what does it matter".  it matters.  If i order a Coke at a restaurant and they ask, "is Pepsi OK"?  I say, "no, thank you.  I will have ice tea instead".  Aside from the taste, Pepsi actually gives me a headache.  Although, i once had a really warm Pepsi (picture it sitting in a car for over four hours, in the sun, on a sunny August afternoon), and it was REALLY good.

Linda is a great blogger, and she has the ability to change her layout often.  I confess that i am a little covetous of her ability to both come up with content - not just for her blog, but for the articles she often writes and PUBLISHES.  Even though i do not blog about the same things as she does, or as well as she does it (i've lost count how many times i've cringed at my own writing), she inspires me to improve.  Thanks Linda!

Ramblings of the first order

A few weeks back i was sent an e-mail about the upcoming movie about Billy Graham. It looks very interesting (at least to me). I went to the official website for this cool widget: It's not in what i would even call a limited release, but i would encourage anyone who has even the slightest interest in this man i would encourage you all to search out a movie theater and watch. This is a man who amazes me. I am looking forward to watching this movie. For the first time in several weeks i picked up my notes for my "long" short story. I actually would like to go "full length" (about the size of a 250 page paperback) with it, so I am taking my time. I have five characters i am 'fleshing' out. I have three main 'sections' roughly outlined. I have the background worked out. I know the end that the characters will be moving towards, and i have a rough idea of how they are going to move in that direction. The one thing i noticed about 'full length' books is that they are flush with details. Often a page worth of writing is used to set the mood and describe the environment... all the while keeping the reader interested. Not an easy task to be sure. One bad thing though... almost every time i review the main characters, i dislike the names i've chosen. I dunno - maybe i will just settle on them and move on. I could just me now... i have the hundreds of pages completed and edited, i actually am going to get published and the deadline looms to be submitted and 15 minutes before i send it up i run through the whole thing and change one or more of the names! lol (note, the picture i used above is from the released pictures for Fallout 3... which i am looking forward to very, very much) Speaking about Fallout 3, it is now only 2 weeks and 6 days away. I am still looking forward to this game's release. I am also tempering my excitement by the fact that my 'free' time will most likely not take any steps to grow between now and then, nor after. The more i read about this game (the latest is from the guy who wrote the Game Guide) only makes me think that it is unlikely i will ever fully explore the game. Which is fine, but i just know that in the years ahead i am going to be researching ways how to make the OS of my computer backwards compatible. :) Something i have been banging my head against the wall recently with my own home PC. I was able to make several of my kids older games work, but not all of them. To make matters worse my printer no longer works! After a couple hours of searching, etc. i finally stumbled across a note that Vista does not have a driver, nor does the manufacturer. *sigh* Maybe I should just create a disk image when i get everything the way i want it... and then reload it on a separate drive partition or something. :) In closing... last week at our Bible Study meeting we talked about 'abuse' within the church and i sort of came to a conclusion. All my Christian life i felt called into some form of leadership role within the body of Christ. But lately it seems like the Lord is showing me that this is not the case. Not that i can't, or won't, be in such a role in the future, but that my place is more in the support variety, which is not a bad place to be. Not just that is now, but that may have been always the case. My own pride and assumptions may have led me to believe that a leadership role was for me. It does not matter what role i play within the body, i just want to be associated with the body! I am more than willing to be a street sweeper in heaven, so long as i am there to worship my God and my Creator, and not left out where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth. Verse for today: Proverbs 8 : 12-21, ESV “I, wisdom, dwell with prudence, and I find knowledge and discretion. The fear of the Lord is hatred of evil. Pride and arrogance and the way of evil and perverted speech I hate. I have counsel and sound wisdom; I have insight; I have strength. By me kings reign, and rulers decree what is just; by me princes rule, and nobles, all who govern justly. [1] I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me. Riches and honor are with me, enduring wealth and righteousness. My fruit is better than gold, even fine gold, and my yield than choice silver. I walk in the way of righteousness, in the paths of justice, granting an inheritance to those who love me, and filling their treasuries.

Pride

For sometime now I have been wanting to blog about Luke 14:8-11.

"When you are invited by someone to a wedding feast, do not sit down in a place of honor, lest someone more distinguished than you be invited by him, and he who invited you both will come and say to you, ‘Give your place to this person,’ and then you will begin with shame to take the lowest place. But when you are invited, go and sit in the lowest place, so that when your host comes he may say to you, ‘Friend, move up higher.’ Then you will be honored in the presence of all who sit at table with you. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.” (ESV)

I am not really sure why this verse has been stuck in my mind lately. Maybe it's the times I see people cutting into traffic, or people that seem to demand that things go their own way. I am guilty of this too. It may not be obvious to all, like not allowing a merging car into "my" space, or when I get upset when something goes my way. Pride is such a deceitful thing. And it has so many forms. We all should be careful lest we slide down that slipper slope. Verse for today: Proverbs 16:18-20, ESV Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. It is better to be of a lowly spirit with the poor than to divide the spoil with the proud. Whoever gives thought to the word [1] will discover good, and blessed is he who trusts in the Lord.

Do everything as if unto the Lord

I enjoy writting. I like to get things done around the house. I like to things with, and for, my friends. But I often find myself checking up to see what kind of response I get. Maybe not so much with my friends. But I want to know if what I did blessed them. If they appreciated the time or effort. I am not sure if my motives are for them to think more highly of me, or if I want to know what I really did was effective. Did it increase their joy in some way. I'd like to think that it is more of the latter. There is nothing like a sense of accomplishment. To see a project get done. Maybe even just maintenance. Sort of a sense of fulfillment that I am taking care of the things that the Lord has given me. If it was just me at home I'd probably be doing something from the time aI got up until the time I went to bed. Probably a lot of circles being run. But there are times when I do have a few hours all to myself at home amd I hitting the 'to do list' (honey-do or my-do)? No! I will usually take every advantage to just do nothing. Veg, watch TV or even just sleep. But then I am left with a feeling of disapppointment. Like I know I needed to do something else - and I waisted the chance. With my short stories (you can read them here: samurai's yarns, if you are interested) I post them on several websites. One is sponsored by the parent company that produces Necromunda, another is a fan-based site of Games Workshop games. I will often revisit those sites frequently (much more often than I should) after I've posted a story. I want to know how it was received. Was it a good story? Are people really liking the work or am I just a person cranking out words on a page? I've never had aspirations for publication. I like to write the stories. For myself mostly, and I doubt that many would pay for what I write. Just rambling here... but I should do all that I do as if unto the Lord. Verse for the day: Ecclesiastes 2:24-26, ESV There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment [2] in his toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God, for apart from him [3] who can eat or who can have enjoyment? For to the one who pleases him God has given wisdom and knowledge and joy, but to the sinner he has given the business of gathering and collecting, only to give to one who pleases God. This also is vanity and a striving after wind.

The longest journey...

... begins with one step. I have a weakness. Whenever I tell someone that I am doing such-and-such - whatever it is seems to fade. I don't know how many times I've started a runing thing, or training for my Cisco certifications, or a writting project, whatever - only to have my efforts wane once I've made the announcement. What is that? Does that not undermine my own integrity? What about my own ambitions? Pride is a deceptive and sneeky git. What was my motivation for even mentioning it in the first place? Apparently it's to toot my own horn and build up other people's impression of myself. *sigh* Verse for today: Proverbs 25:2-7, ESV It is the glory of God to conceal things, but the glory of kings is to search things out. As the heavens for height, and the earth for depth, so the heart of kings is unsearchable. Take away the dross from the silver, and the smith has material for a vessel; take away the wicked from the presence of the king, and his throne will be established in righteousness. Do not put yourself forward in the king's presence or stand in the place of the great, for it is better to be told, “Come up here,” than to be put lower in the presence of a noble.