I've got nothin'

Even before the frequency of my posts began to wane... i had realized that i was struggling with depression... if there are still those around who used to read this blog before, probably already know this.  What i had not realized was... just what a toll it was taking on those around me.  Yes, i was suffering with depression... but i was dragging those around me, down as well.

Right now, my brain is foggy, so... this will not be as coherent a post, as i would like, but i feel compelled to write anyway... like i've said elsewhere... this blog is mostly for myself... but... if it can be used for others... thus, i share it on-line.

I began seeing a new therapist this past April.  My beloved had been begging me to start going again for a while, and my own pride kept telling me that i was fine (again).  Well, this therapist is a magnitude better than my previous one... shortly into our sessions, she recommended that i talk to my doctor about possibly changing up some of my depression and ADD Rx's, which i did.  Wow.  Within just a few days of weening off of the old depression Rx, and onto the new one, i noticed a difference.  It would take two or three weeks to stabilize, but i honestly felt like my eyes had opened for the first time in... well, longer than i could remember.  Unfortunately... i also saw what damage i had wrought in my own marriage as well.  Unfortunately... the "Big D Thelma and Louise car" was at full throttle heading towards that cliff.

I am blessed that my therapist is a Christian, as are the others at the same practice.  I began experiencing panic attacks, and a few other depression symptoms, but, i continued to work with my therapist, and trying to open my eyes more, to learn more, to hit the brakes, but i was no longer in control (as if i ever truly were).

This past summer (2015) has been a roller coaster ride, to say the least.  Then, after an angry outburst by me (not my first in our marriage i am ashamed to say), my beloved had finally had enough, and told me as such.  She asked me to leave the house so that she could have space.  I will not lie... it felt like i was experiencing seppuku... like a long sharp instrument had been rammed up through my stomach into my heart.

For a time, i flailed, and "reached out" to anyone, and everyone, i could think of... well, not everyone, but... a lot of people.  All of them, to a (wo)man, told me that... this is what i had to do.  I had been mentally abusive to my wife, and of i wanted ANY chance of saving my marriage, it would be best.  I really did NOT like that idea... and i attacked it any which way i could.  I even had outbursts at my longtime friends... who were only trying to help me and my beloved, and our marriage.  To put it mildly... this was not 'samurai' at his finest.

Finally, i honestly felt a whisper in my mind... "trust me"... and, in much pain, i did move out.  I remember entering a date into my Facebook messenger, to myself, the day my beloved said that she wanted to talk... it was just moments before my angry outburst that had kicked the final leg out from my weak-sand-construction of a marriage.  Since then, i have deactivated my Facebook account, in honor of recommendations to do so, as i honestly do tend to share too much - without consideration of my beloved's feelings, or desires. I have also deactivated my other social media accounts, which i really didn't use anyway.

A month prior to my angry outburst, i had heard words from my beloved that i thought i would never hear... i will not share them here... but, they cut me to the core.  Now - while she was the one saying these things, and "causing" me pain, it had been years of neglect from me, her husband, the one to whom God had entrusted the hand of His daughter to love, honor, cherish, protect... and this was the culmination of years of failure on my part.  While my beloved has participated in this long spiral... this blog is about me... and i am owning up to my failures, and not to point out hers.

If anyone is still reading this, the outlook seems bleak, does it not?

But, this 'samurai' is in the service of the greatest Lord in all of history.  The Lord Jesus Christ, his Father, and the Holy Spirit.  Within a day of my terrible outburst, i felt a peace re: something my beloved had shared.  Despite a long struggle with paranoia in the regards to the subject... in regards to knowing, and sensing, just how far my beloved had pulled away (again, precipitated by my neglect towards her)... i just had a peace.  Many fellow Christians will know what i am talking about... it is possible that some non-Christians too... but, i do not know for sure.  So, when the "invitation" to "step aside" finally came the next day... while i was, and still am in many way, in severe emotional pain... i was at peace with a really "big rock".  I'd like to say that i had learned my lesson and immediately repented... but, it has been (only) three long weeks since i began staying elsewhere.

Since then, i have continued my therapy... sometimes as much as four times in a week.  What can i say... this 'samurai' is a severely broken piece of work.  I have finally swallowed my pride regarding my Aspergers, my depression, and ADD, and submitted a "request of accommodations" with my employer.  I am fortunate, and extremely blessed, that those whom God has placed around me, already know of my 'quirks', and have already worked with me.  The only reason i did that was... this separation has been extremely taxing on me... talk about being "stretched" by God.

I've started journaling (pen and paper - chicken scratch mostly), actually joined a gym, will be trying Yoga (because i really swallow up my frustrations, and it is taking a toll on my body from within), and had my eyes open to just how much i need to work on.  In the past... this would have overwhelmed me... but, in the past three weeks... i have experienced another peace descend upon me.  One about my marriage.  God has allowed this apex crises to arise, so that it would be addressed, and addressed in full... not in a patch work fashion.

While i still want this to all be fixed now... God has allowed me to see just how "broken" i really am... how "fearfully and wonderfully made" i am... how broken my beloved is (both because of me, but because she is her own person, in her own way as well)... and how He is working through all of this.  Through all of the weeping... the pride... the pain... through a severely damaged marriage... through two broken people... and the friends He has surrounded them with.

I am still staying at a hotel at present, but my beloved and i are talking.  We are both in (separate) counseling.  And while we have a long road ahead of us... the light at the end of the tunnel, does not look like an oncoming freight train.  A word of self caution though... this 'samurai' is still fully capable of screwing it all up... but...

God willing... more to follow.

(I had, and have, a lot of scripture references that came to mind, but, this is not as well thought out, and i've not taken as much time as i would have preferred... but... hopefully, i will be taking more time to be more thorough moving forward.)

A P.P.S. - also came to mind... this past weekend, was the 24th anniversary of the day i met my beloved... not a fun memory to recount while apart from her... but, it was also a day of reflection... i am looking forward to walk through the healing with God, and my beloved (in time)...

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Just Be Held

For many reasons, most of them of my own causing, i am currently... exploring the darkest valley i have ever walked... my therapist shared this song with me... i thought i would "share it forward".

JUST BE HELD

by Casting Crowns

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you’ll find Me
And where you are, I’ll hold your heart
I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go

MouseHunt blogging and running Eldar

In the signature of my personal e-mail i have a link to my blog here.  It's to shamelessly plug my blog among my friends... and yet, ironically, i have no consistent readers among the friends i have in real life (vs. just facebook, or whatever).  Well, sometimes my work entails working by phone and it is often hard to get concepts across, especially as i think visually (i.e. in pictures) and then i have to translate them into words... which does not always convey what i am "seeing" very well (especially for a guy flunked English - a LOT).  The other day i had to exchange (quite) a few e-mails via my awesome HTC EVO.  Well, for a variety of reasons my phone is not synchronized to use my work e-mail account so we tread carefully and we used my personal account to banter back  and forth and resolved the issue we were working on.  About an hour later my coworker sent me a text message saying how much he liked the blog - mostly the information links pertaining to Autism in general, and Aspergers in particular.  I am not sure why, but i was embarrassed. Now, this blog gets posted to my Facebook profile and i have at sometime or another told all of my friends about it, so i make it a point to be careful what i post, to not post anything that i would not want to be public knowledge... so why should i be embarrassed by this blog?  I am actually pretty proud of it.

My all time favorite Facebook game, MouseHunt continues to improve itself.  In addition to a recent Baron area (a fairly high level) called the Sandtail Desert Region, the developers of this game have expanded upon the Chess themed area i love so much called the Crystal Library.  Love this new area.  One has to perform "research" in order to accomplish the needed tasks in order to eventually make an entirely new trap for a new adversary. In many ways it is similar to the Dragon Mouse.  You have to fashion a special trap for the one mouse!  However, there is also a brand new trap - that looks like a new Shadow type trap... pretty cool. Still enjoying this game after playing it for 18 months now... and for me... that is saying something.

My writing has been sporadic at best of late.  Just too many other things in life to distract me.  I still enjoy it, and it is a relaxing way to dream (so to speak) and i can start/stop without having to get out a bunch of materials, setting it all up, and then having to tear it all down again and put it away when i am finished.  Even the actually sitting down to type/write is not all that involved.  Recently Gav Thorpe wrote out a pretty detailed process of how he wrote one of his Elf novel trilogies. That really made me realize that i will most likely, barring the sky splitting open to tell me that this is what God wants me to do, never be a published writer.  I am ok with that.   This is just a hobby, one to be enjoyed.  If it becomes a struggle... then it will no longer be a hobby, but work.  In any event, i am not sure how long my Eldar Ranger story line will be shelved, but it may be until the last novel in the Eldar trilogy is released sometime next Summer/Fall.  The 2nd one of the series, Path of the Seer, is due to be out any day now.  Looking forward to this one, but not as much as the last one in the series titled, Path of the Outcast. My recent attempts are still forming, but i will share them on my short story blog when i am ready. 

One thing my depression has done, it affected my desire to take care of myself.  Not in selfish ways (although the semi-intentional self neglect could be classified as selfish), but in ways like watching what and how much i eat, and exercising.  I have always loved running.  For as long as i can remember i have loved it.  From the time my dad "dragged" me, my brother and my step mother out to the park in New York City to go running with him (i don't remember if i complained back then, but my memories of it now are all good), up through High School when i up and joined the Cross Country team (our 1st day of practice - 12 miles "warm up" 8 sets of hills, 8 wind sprints, then a 3 mile "cool down"), through my time in the Guard.  When i am in shape... i love the sensation of running.  I enjoy the "burn", i enjoy the personal challenge, the "mind over matter", i enjoy being alone in thought to pray or dream or just - not.  LOL.  But, i have let myself go over time.  Later on in my military service i stopped running all the time and would only get in shape to pass the APFT.  Well, since retiring in July of '08 i've not done ANY serious running.  As a result i added another 15 pounds to the frame (which was already 30 pounds over weight if you ask the doctors) and i started to develop problems with the knees.  About four months ago i was talked into trying out a pair of "minimalist" shoes for work.  Long story short, my knee ached less and gave me a lot less trouble using the stairs.  In June, i finally got the nerve to try and start running again and began the "Couch to 5k" (c25k) program.  It got off to a rocky start.  I developed discomfort in both knees and my right ankle.  Some of this was due to the "minimalist" style, and part of it is due to my being over weight and inactivity.  Well, i dialed it down some and began to just walk (in running it is almost NEVER a good idea to just run through the pain).  Once i was able to maintain a 4mph walking pace with no linger pain or needing to take a day or more off, i started the jogging back up.  Yesterday was the first day back to jogging and i am pretty psyched.  it's hard to keep the enthusiasm in check so that i don't injure myself and keep on track.  I am down 5 pounds since starting.  Who knows... if this works, and i can sustain it over time... maybe i can get off of the Celexa.  But if not... i am ok with that too.

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Ok now, let me get this straight

photo © 2009 David O'Hare | more info (via: Wylio)

Over the past few months i have been sharing about some struggles with depression and possibly coming to grips the possibility of actually being on the spectrum myself (in addition to DS2).  I have never been to fond of change.  I've always struggled with changes in routine and the past several months have been a struggle for me.  I get discouraged because i feel like i should "know" better.  I remind myself constantly that God has already gone before me, that he already knows all of my days, he knows my personality, he knows my mistakes, and He still provides His Son so that i will not have to atone for my sins and i will get to enjoy Him forever.  I keep looking horizontal at the storm that rages around me, and i fail to look up to the One who can (and does figuratively) help me walk on water.  The whirlpool analogy still applies.  Never the less, God has also brought me a very long way during this time.  I have found that you can walk a very long distance over broken/hilly terrain and not really get an appreciation for just how far you've traveled while you are still down in the middle of the brambles and valleys, but when you get on top of the hills, even little ones, you can get a much better perspective.  That doesn't mean that the next valley will be less trouble than the previous one, or that you can just trot along the ridge line.  If only i could consistently have a similar point of view to what Eric Haney during his training to become a member of Delta Force:

 All day long, I crossed that mountain from one side to the other.. On the map the mountain looked like a big, dead, contorted octopus..  The main body was lumpy and irregular; the top writhed tentacle-like in a series of sharp-crested saddles.  The fingers and ridges running off the sides of the crest were gnarled and twisted like the arthritic hands of an old man.

I would arrive exhausted and breathless at one RV (check point) only to be sent to the next RV  back on the other side I had just come from. The mountain was too big to contour around, and the lay of the ground was such that I could never anything approximating a direct approach or maintain the hard-earned high ground for any length of time. Never getting anywhere, back and forth across the same mountain. It was a masterful torture. But then I had a revelation.

What difference could it possibly make if I crossed back and forth over this mountain until doomsday? A mountain is a mountain, time was time, and route selection was route selection. The only that that mattered was speed and ground made good..  My destination was determined by time; the physical position of that ultimate destination was only incidental to my reason for being there. The frustration and mental torture I had been suffering were completely of my own making - and completely within my power to disregard. I dropped all thoughts of anything other than making the best possible approach to the next RV, and it was amazing how much stronger I felt mentally and physically. (From Inside Delta Force, Delacorte Press, 2006, pg 79)

Now, fighting depression is not always as straight forward as telling yourself to "just get over it".  God has provided doctors, therapists, and when needed prescriptions too.  However, we need to remember to not give up on preaching to ourselves.  I read a timely article over at Desiring God, The Ministry or Reminding Myself.  I am not going to get into any finger wagging here because i am no expert.  I do know that my walk with Christ is a journey, a long distance journey, and along the way there will be low valleys with river crossings - probably in bitter weather, but there will also be pleasant meadows and hill tops, and maybe a mountain top or two.  Ultimately my journey is not about me and what i can get or what i can achieve, but what can i do for and with others who God brings into my life.  Focus outwards and upwards and not inwards.  This is of course is easier said than done.

Mr Haley makes an excellent point, and it can be applied to real life as well.  What does it matter what God is taking you through.  Is He not God, does He not have your ultimate good designed?  We are not privy to the big picture... sometimes not even the small one, but when we trust in God that is where peace and joy in the middle of the storm is found.  If we want to argue like Job ("Though he slay me, I will hope in him; [1] yet I will argue my ways to his face."  (Job 13:15, ESV), we should also be willing to accept when He answers us:  "Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?  Dress for action [1] like a man; I will question you, and you make it known to me." (Job 38:2-3, ESV)

In the end, you are are not alone.  God has put in place friends, family, professionals, medicine.  When the waves of depression swarm over you you have to fight the natural inclination to withdraw and seclude.  Reach out for help.

As for me, my doctor has weened me off of Strattera and replaced it with something else... i can't remember the name of it off hand.  All i know is that i did not like the loopy feeling in between the two. I am on day 3 of the new med... i am seeing a difference mentally, but i have not been sleeping well.  Not sure if it is related or not.  On the side affects it lists the side affects such as the possibility of both insomnia and sleepiness.  Silly, i know, but it takes a few weeks for the new Rx to come to full affect.  We shall see.

One last thing before i end this blog session.  I found a new blog written by a mother with a child who has Autism.  Unfortunately it came to my attention because of some difficulty they had at Disney world.  She is very articulate and loves her son very much.  I look forward to following her blog moving forward.  Life is a Spectrum is the blog.  From what i have read, it is a very good blog.

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Friday ramblings

Up until very recently i had been ramping up for some writing, but it seems to have derailed once again.  One thing i did manage to accomplish was to consolidate a lot of my resource materials.  Hopefully they will still be together should i begin once again.  Well, writing as opposed to blogging.

One thing i recently learned about blogging, and i have come to love, is the schedule posting option.  I often will have two or more blog entries in various forms of editing, thinking, etc.  For example, while posting to my "The Way of Walking with Christ" series i would have anywhere from three to six posts pending.  And yet i still have editing issues... LOL.  It has helped me when life intercedes and takes up my blogging time... which has been a lot lately.  In any event, the scheduling feature is very nice.

I was recently home with PIRATE, my DS2, and he of course had some course work for school to complete.  He was a trooper and plowed through it.  As a form of encouragement i asked him what he wanted to do to celebrate.  He took a little while to think about it and asked me to play a round of Mario Party 8.  What a joy that he asked me to play with him.  Unfortunately i squandered away some of the time and did not get to finish the game with him.  8(  I really hate myself for that.  I am hoping to play with him again this weekend, and this time for a complete game.

Wind unheeded
Waves crashing on the shoreline
Even rock yields to time 

Have you ever felt like it would be better to go ahead and just get struck by lightning, or broadsided by a train at a failed crossing?  It has been sometime since i felt confident in most anything.  TULIP has brought this to my attention before as well.  Part of my depression i guess.  Lately it has felt like anything i have touched has turned to manure.  Some day this will all be over, and that day will not be of my choosing... but there are times... when i wish it were sooner rather than later.  When it does finally come... i will probably be ungrateful and wish for more time.  As they say, be careful what you wish for.  You just might get it.

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Misc. Ramblings, yet again

MouseHunt is putting on a little Halloween "special" event.  To help change things up for those who play the game, a few times a year the Developers of the game throw "special events".  Themes seem to be Halloween, Christmas, Valentine's Chinese New Year and to celebrate the game's "Birthday" too.  Maybe even "normal" New Year stuff too, but i am not sure.  Anyway, they've also redone some of the pictures of the "normal" mice they have, plus opened up a seasonal special area: Haunted Territories.  I particularly like the cyborg-like event mice that are there.  Variety is the spice of life.

Speaking about Halloween.  I have never been a big fan of Halloween.  I take that back... i had a phase in my early ten years where i tried to embrace it, but in the back of mind it was creepy and unsettling.  As i've gotten older i have come to feel that Halloween is not something that should be embraced.  It has the feel of the glorification of death and evil things.  It has the feel of the attempt to make such things "normal", accepted, even admired to a degree.  Please do not misunderstand what i am saying, i am not judging or condemning those who embrace and enjoy this holiday.  It is not my place to do either.  I am only sharing my opinion on the matter.  The blog of a Pastor in Plano, TX, Gunny, had an excellent post regarding his thoughts on the matter.  It would seem that he and i are in the minority.

I had my first visit with a counselor last week.  It was a good visit, and i am very grateful that he was  Christian.  To be honest i was, and am, very nervous about my faith and beliefs being trivialized or discarded. Not that i have ever experienced that first hand, but it was a concern of mine.  We prayed before hand, and then since it was my first visit, we pretty much covered the basics, etc.  This is not a diagnosis, but it would seem i am struggling with "abandonment anxiety" probably stemming from my childhood.  I have a follow up visit scheduled for this week, and plan to continue for at least the short term.  In the interim he encouraged me to exercise (or get back in the habit) and to meditate on Philippians 4:4-7:

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (ESV)

While this is a "Duh!" moment, he reminded me to also meditate on how much, and how far, God has brought me.  And it has been helpful.  I have many friends who have mentioned that very thing has been an encouragement to them.  If for them... why not me?  8)

I am going to wrap this chaotic post up by saying that... i have lost my Flair image files!  I have no idea where i misplaced them... so... i will be working on rebuilding my image library once more.  I still LOVE the Flair app on Facebook and still skim through the pieces of flair, and i am still creating pieces to share.  As of the writing of this post i have over 6,400 flair points, just shy of 900 pieces of flair (no duplicates that i am currently aware of), and i have created over 225 pieces.  I hope to rectify this problem soon so i can begin to give my posts some color once more.

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Rambling for rambling sake

I had something (i thought was) profound to say earlier... but i am so tired my mind is all foggy right now.  So instead of trying to fake it, i will just ramble on and hopefully remember what it was before i get to the end of the blog post for today...

I may have blogged about this recently, but the Panthers are just plain awful this year.  The "bend-but-don't-break" philosophy has never been a favorite of mine.  Far too consistently i am seeing/hearing opposing teams having a 3rd and 5+, only for them to convert for a 1st down.  If you get a team to 3rd and long, their conversion rate should be sub .500 at best.  The Special teams does not appear to be winning the contest of field position either.  John Kasay has been doing well, but even he has not been 100% on his field goals.  Not all of the misses are on him, but he is on Special Teams... and well... they are struggling.  The Offense has been the worst of the three teams.  Last week i think the had less than 65 yards passing, and i am pretty sure the running game has yet to go over 100 yards in a game.  At the beginning of the season i was confident that the Panthers would go 7-9, and hopeful for a 9-7 season.  After seeing them go 0-5 into their bye week this week... i think 3-13 might be a stretch.  Don't get me wrong, i am STILL a Panthers fan, and if i had the money and could justify not using it in a more productive way... i would still want to go see them in Charlotte, but this year is a wash and i am on the sidelines with my friends who are Raiders, Lions and Browns fans wondering which team will get the overall #1 pick in the 2011 draft.  (Here's hoping there is a season to play in 2011 though - Owners...Players... i already can't afford to attend the games in person not consistently by the team brand merchandise... and i live in middle America.  Please keep that in mind moving forward.)

With interest rates at crazy historical lows my Beloved and i are looking into refinancing the house.  I just hope i can get all of my ducks in a row AND get an appointment with a mortgage person.  The part i don't like about refinancing is that A) it will extend the final payoff date some, and B) i will find out just how much my home really has "depreciated" since we bought it.  My Beloved and i are of one mind in that God has blessed us with the profit we made on the previous two homes we owned (aka mortgaged), and we are not planning on moving again any time soon... and it is all "paper" money anyway.  In the end it is only worth what the next owner is willing to pay for it.  We shall see.

Have i mentioned a game called MouseHunt before?  No?  Are you sure?  Well, anyway, there is a game on Facebook that is not like the build your own hotel/restaurant/city, etc.  MouseHunt is what is known as a 'passive' game.  That is you assemble a trap, a base and a type of bait.  You then work on various combinations to makeyour trap the most effective it can be.  And strategies change based where in the game you are.  What makes the game 'passive' is that you can "sound the horn" to make a trap check once every fifteen minutes.  but you do not have to interact with the game constantly either.  If you need to walk away you can, and the game will automatically check your trap once an hour, on the hour, but just like in real life... you have to be patient when you hunt.  This past weekend (8-11 October) HitGrab set up a scenario where a toxic spill happened in the Laboratory (one of the hunting locations) where hunters were encouraged to go and gather up the Radioactive Sludge - which is in turn used to craft a specific type of cheese (bait) to attract a specific breed/group of mice.  It is things like that that enhance and prolong my enjoyment of this game.  For some it does not move fast enough, not exciting enough, but for me it is a classic.  You need to vary your strategy, you can "collect" the various breeds of mice, collect the various traps and bases.  There are even different kinds of "journal entries" to be found and enjoyed (IMO) and other "collectibles".  Last weekend i was able to add three more mice to my "collection".  LOL.  I only wish that i didn't have to smash some of my traps in order to make new ones.  Oh well, i will just have to eventually regain the old - now obsolete - trap... you know... just to collect them. 8)

Depression is not always that feeling like you are going to go over the edge.  For me it's the sense of just not being able to do things right.  My mind is always 2 or 3 "steps ahead" and i am unable to fund a "sinning scenario".  It doesn't help that i do not want "to be a bother" to anyone either, so i tend to "suffer in silence"... only i am not sure how much longer i can do that.  Attempts to reach out to a few have not really been all that successful.  I am now reaching thinking about reaching out to a professional of some sort... but then i am worried about money, etc.  Really does feel like a dead end, it is what it is, type of thing.