Ok now, let me get this straight

photo © 2009 David O'Hare | more info (via: Wylio)

Over the past few months i have been sharing about some struggles with depression and possibly coming to grips the possibility of actually being on the spectrum myself (in addition to DS2).  I have never been to fond of change.  I've always struggled with changes in routine and the past several months have been a struggle for me.  I get discouraged because i feel like i should "know" better.  I remind myself constantly that God has already gone before me, that he already knows all of my days, he knows my personality, he knows my mistakes, and He still provides His Son so that i will not have to atone for my sins and i will get to enjoy Him forever.  I keep looking horizontal at the storm that rages around me, and i fail to look up to the One who can (and does figuratively) help me walk on water.  The whirlpool analogy still applies.  Never the less, God has also brought me a very long way during this time.  I have found that you can walk a very long distance over broken/hilly terrain and not really get an appreciation for just how far you've traveled while you are still down in the middle of the brambles and valleys, but when you get on top of the hills, even little ones, you can get a much better perspective.  That doesn't mean that the next valley will be less trouble than the previous one, or that you can just trot along the ridge line.  If only i could consistently have a similar point of view to what Eric Haney during his training to become a member of Delta Force:

 All day long, I crossed that mountain from one side to the other.. On the map the mountain looked like a big, dead, contorted octopus..  The main body was lumpy and irregular; the top writhed tentacle-like in a series of sharp-crested saddles.  The fingers and ridges running off the sides of the crest were gnarled and twisted like the arthritic hands of an old man.

I would arrive exhausted and breathless at one RV (check point) only to be sent to the next RV  back on the other side I had just come from. The mountain was too big to contour around, and the lay of the ground was such that I could never anything approximating a direct approach or maintain the hard-earned high ground for any length of time. Never getting anywhere, back and forth across the same mountain. It was a masterful torture. But then I had a revelation.

What difference could it possibly make if I crossed back and forth over this mountain until doomsday? A mountain is a mountain, time was time, and route selection was route selection. The only that that mattered was speed and ground made good..  My destination was determined by time; the physical position of that ultimate destination was only incidental to my reason for being there. The frustration and mental torture I had been suffering were completely of my own making - and completely within my power to disregard. I dropped all thoughts of anything other than making the best possible approach to the next RV, and it was amazing how much stronger I felt mentally and physically. (From Inside Delta Force, Delacorte Press, 2006, pg 79)

Now, fighting depression is not always as straight forward as telling yourself to "just get over it".  God has provided doctors, therapists, and when needed prescriptions too.  However, we need to remember to not give up on preaching to ourselves.  I read a timely article over at Desiring God, The Ministry or Reminding Myself.  I am not going to get into any finger wagging here because i am no expert.  I do know that my walk with Christ is a journey, a long distance journey, and along the way there will be low valleys with river crossings - probably in bitter weather, but there will also be pleasant meadows and hill tops, and maybe a mountain top or two.  Ultimately my journey is not about me and what i can get or what i can achieve, but what can i do for and with others who God brings into my life.  Focus outwards and upwards and not inwards.  This is of course is easier said than done.

Mr Haley makes an excellent point, and it can be applied to real life as well.  What does it matter what God is taking you through.  Is He not God, does He not have your ultimate good designed?  We are not privy to the big picture... sometimes not even the small one, but when we trust in God that is where peace and joy in the middle of the storm is found.  If we want to argue like Job ("Though he slay me, I will hope in him; [1] yet I will argue my ways to his face."  (Job 13:15, ESV), we should also be willing to accept when He answers us:  "Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?  Dress for action [1] like a man; I will question you, and you make it known to me." (Job 38:2-3, ESV)

In the end, you are are not alone.  God has put in place friends, family, professionals, medicine.  When the waves of depression swarm over you you have to fight the natural inclination to withdraw and seclude.  Reach out for help.

As for me, my doctor has weened me off of Strattera and replaced it with something else... i can't remember the name of it off hand.  All i know is that i did not like the loopy feeling in between the two. I am on day 3 of the new med... i am seeing a difference mentally, but i have not been sleeping well.  Not sure if it is related or not.  On the side affects it lists the side affects such as the possibility of both insomnia and sleepiness.  Silly, i know, but it takes a few weeks for the new Rx to come to full affect.  We shall see.

One last thing before i end this blog session.  I found a new blog written by a mother with a child who has Autism.  Unfortunately it came to my attention because of some difficulty they had at Disney world.  She is very articulate and loves her son very much.  I look forward to following her blog moving forward.  Life is a Spectrum is the blog.  From what i have read, it is a very good blog.

---