20080423

I spaced out yesterday

Totally ;)

Anyway... between trying to adjust to playing a single parent this week, getting back into the routine at work, and trying to crunch out a short story for an upcoming rules article for Necromunda, I completely missed the opportunity to blog yesterday. But that's ok because I have kind of been in a funk lately.

I kind of go through cycles, almost monthly (no smart alack remarks ;-) ). I don't do well with change, and life is full of things that change. My beloved is out of town for a few days at a conference that is addressing special needs within children's ministry this week. I submitted my letter to finally make my retirement from the National Guard official. And the ever changing nature of IT in the work environment. None of these things really help me feel 'safe' or 'peaceful'. Don't get me wrong, I firmly believe in the providential hand of God. I know that He is in perfect control of all. It's just that my mind (aka my flesh) does not respond well to change. Like I have to process it all before I can get back to 'level'. I don't even necessarily need to understand it all. I just have to be able to somehow process it.

Funny story - back when I was commuting almost 90 minutes each way to work I would call my beloved just before I would walk out the door to head home (before we had cell phones) and go over what we were doing that night. By the time I would get home my beloved would make changes and it would throw me through a loop. Unfortunately this has led her to believe that I can't handle change at all (and maybe she's right). I know she's nervous that the kids are going to end up in school without their shoes on, or I will leave the house wide open so strangers can "help themselves". And none of this helps my own "self esteem".

I enjoy writing, and I enjoy my job, but I still feel like a failure at both. At work I struggle to keep up with the constant changes, and not just to the technology. When I went to college I took the placement exams and scored high enough to be invited to join the 'honors society', but I still placed low enough that I had to take English 010 (no, that is not a mis-type). Not only did I have to take the pre-college English course, but I had to take it four times before I passed it! (I currently do not have a degree of any kind.)

So, during these "low cycles" it is hard to keep up. All I can see is all of the tasks around the house not getting done, all of the opportunities missed with the kids, the mistakes I make with my beloved. I ache for heaven, especially during these times. I know that I do a lot of things well. I am able to support my family on my single income (a miracle in today's economic situation), I have been picked above my peers to fill in for the First Sergeant at my unit while he has been away (this has been a reoccurring thing through out my military career), I have been blessed with a mind that can grasp things like IP routing and filtering, I have been blessed with children whom I am often given compliments for, and I have a woman in my life who really does look past my faults and loves me deeply.

But it is hard to look to the horizon, when all you can see are hillsides. I guess that is why I take such deep pleasure in Psalm 23, and the book of Job. My Savior is not hemmed in by my doubts or failures. His staff does comfort me. He does light my paths. He does lead me by still waters and anoints my head with oil. The same God who tells the ocean that it may go only so far, and places the stars at just the right place, is the one who reaches down and speaks to my mind and my heart. He holds me and gives me comfort. Even when I am trying to process change.
Verse for today:
Isaiah 12, ESV
You [1] will say in that day:
“I will give thanks to you, O Lord,
for though you were angry with me,
your anger turned away,
that you might comfort me.

“Behold, God is my salvation;
I will trust, and will not be afraid;
for the Lord God [2] is my strength and my song,
and he has become my salvation.”

With joy you [3] will draw water from the wells of salvation. And you will say in that day:

“Give thanks to the Lord,
call upon his name,
make known his deeds among the peoples,
proclaim that his name is exalted.

“Sing praises to the Lord, for he has done gloriously;
let this be made known [4] in all the earth.
Shout, and sing for joy, O inhabitant of Zion,
for great in your [5] midst is the Holy One of Israel.”

3 comments:

PJ said...

Great Scripture!! Among my favorite. About 75% of people experience change as pain, so you're not alone. (I happen to be in the smaller percentage who thrives on change!) I used to stress because I'm not good at certain "feminine" things that are generally expected of wives...but I've come to realize that Hubby and I complement each other. If I focus on what I AM good at and let him Major on what HE's good at rather than rag him and him rag me about our deficiencies, it works much better....but we got here through many battles (not holy ones, either!).

You're good at writing. (Editors are for correcting grammar, etc.) If you're good at loving your children, matching socks or bare feet are small things. And a college degree is just a piece of paper!! (I line my underwear drawer with them!!)

Blessings!

samurai said...

Thank you for the encouragement PJ. I am not sure how normal it is, but it really does take me some time to get my head back before I can function again when things change. I mean, I am not in danger of driving off the road or something like that, but I really need to take time to rearrange my thoughts etc.

Ah, intense times of fellowship. They are the spice of life. :)

Thank you for reading and commenting! :)

Linda said...

The church where I work and worship is big on personality profiles for us employees. And really, they have opened our eyes to each other and our own families, as far as how other people move through the world. Taking a little longerto adjust to change can be a huge asset on many levels. It's the way God wired you. You probably complement your wife's personality well. And Samurai, you write very, very well, degree or no degree, and you are walking wisdom--with humility. I can read right between the lines and see that; so can everyone else.