A Fear of Falling

By the grace of God I kept waking up duing the night. In the past I would have been upset about it, but last night was really peaceful and I was able to do some really good praying. As a result I had a lot of things that I wanted to blog about, but then I decided that my first "guess" would be the best for today. Recently the Pastor of my church started a discipleship group of a few people and he kindly invited me. It has been a desire of mine to sit under a man of God to learn and grow. Up until this time I have generally allowed other things to deny me of this chance. Well last night Ed mentioned that he was going to be scaling back the Biblical Community Leader Meetings so that he could do sort of a "college level" discipleship (I used that word for lack of another one coming to mind) where there will be homework, and some intensive reading. This is to, in his words, "to prepare some that believe that God may be moving them in sort of a 'lay preaching' type of direction". When he spoke those words my heart quickened. Some background: Since just before I married my beloved I felt the Holy Spirit move in my heart. That He wanted me to bring what I had experienced in my "home" church out to where I was moving. I was excited about it, but fear and laziness on my part, and let's call it what it is - sin - it is now 13 some years later, and several children and moves later. And yet God has brought me back to this region with a peace of being where I belong, and an excitement to be a part of the church I am apart of. But I also know that God has used all of it (my sin, my moving back to my old church, each of my children, my wife, and all things that I have not even thought of) to bring me to this place. All I can think of is - "who am I Lord, that I would find favor in Your eyes". God has even brought a "word of knowledge", as well as a few words of encouragement over the years, to my mind. For some reason I reluctant to post them here, but I will do so. I am reserved because of my pride, but feel it is relevant. Before I even moved to WV I was in a men's meeting. We broked into smaller groups to pray for something that I can no longer remember what it was (to my shame) but one man said he had a picture come to mind. It was of a field of wheat, with the sun rising over it. In the field was a harvester type machine and on top of it rode a man. The man was not at the controls, but he was riding upon it. A part of the process. And then the man turned to me and said that he believed that this vision was for me. (?!?) That God was preparing me to be that man, that it would not be my doing, but God's doing - and I would get to be a part of it. Another time when I was visiting my old church from the pulpit the Pastor said that he sensed that there were men in the audience that God was calling out to the ministry. There was more to it, but I cannot remember it (this was around 10 years ago). Now, I felt my heart quicken then but I was still fearful, and a man who my wife and I brought as a guest told me after the sermon, "he was talking about you". What shocked me most was that my beloved also said that she thought of me - and she has told me repeatedly that she does not want to be a "pastor's wife". I broke down and went forward for prayer to pray. I could only shake and pray, "why me. I am no one." A few other times over the years I have had some people ask me if I was in full time ministry. Now, I am at least partially 'charismatic' in my beliefs and practice of worship. That is I believe our experiences and emotions play an important part of worship and in following Christ. But I am also grounded in the firm belief that human emotion is a fickle thing. If we rely soley upon our emotions in our responses to God we will be led all over the landscape in pursuit of the creation, and not the Creator. After all, it is only natural to want only peace/joy/hapiness, but there are times when we need to come to know the Father in a way that is not always 'comfortable'. God is righteous, and He is a God to be feared when we oppose Him. There will be times when He will show us things that are not so comfortable or enjoyable. He will allow trials and pain to be experienced. But greatfully those are places that He will not leave us in forever. After the meeting I spoke with Ed, and I confessed my fear. That I am excited about what God wants to do, but "to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more. " (Luke 12:48 esv). I am fearful of falling. Of failing my Lord. And yet I also believe He has 'ordered me forward' (to use a military term). I dare not refuse Him. I love Him too much. Why do I fear? Shall not He who started this, the very One asking me to move in this direction, take me to where He wants? Does it really matter if I ever do what I think He will do? Has He not shown me that my own perceptions matter little, and are rarely accurate. But what he has prepared for me is so much better, and if nothing else I will enjoy what He has done in me through the whole process. --- I would like to thank someone here that has recently really affected me. Thank you Grace for taking the time to place your journey for all of us to read. It is an inspiration to me. Today's blog will probably seem a little disjointed. I appologize for that. but I in no way want to draw attention to myself with this report. I desperately need the prayers of those that read this. I have no idea where this journey will lead. I have no idea how God will work things out to get me there. But I do know that if I rely upon myself I will fail miserably. It needs to be all of God, and none of me. If you are still reading thank you, and if you pray for me I cannot thank you enough. Verse for Today: Isiah 41:8-10 esv But you, Israel, my servant, Jacob, whom I have chosen, the offspring of Abraham, my friend; you whom I took from the ends of the earth, and called from its farthest corners, saying to you, “You are my servant, I have chosen you and not cast you off”; fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Amen