20060208

Old Rag

Ever have one of those days when you just feel worn down. Like you are a piece of cheese cloth. Thin, frail, and just blowing along with the wind. Well that is me today. Last night I stayed up to bless my beloved. I wanted to be there for her when she came home from her ladies night out. Talk with, ask her how her day went. Let her know that I love her and desire to see how her day went. I longed to rub her shoulders, scratch her back. But from the moment I was consious that she had walked into our bedroom it was one critique after another. Well, to cut to the chase I lost it. We had a brief "intense time of fellowship". And then I really stepped into it. I pretty much refused to get back in the game. Now by God's grace we worked it out. Each asking for forgiveness for our "contributions" last night. but it did not help me to sleep last night. I kept thinking about what a loser I am. I mean really, there was no cause for me to act like I did. And then to essentially hold on to the 'grudge' and all I really accomplished was to make the matter worse than it was. If it were not for Christ in both of our lives I can honestly say that I do not believe our marriage would have lasted this long, let alone have a hope for a future - which we both look forward to with joy and anticipation. All of this resulted in me being up until 2:30 this morning. No matter how hard I tried I could not fall asleep. I tried to pray. I tried reading, doing a sudoku puzzle, but my mind was so cloudy from fatique that I could not focus. I ended up watching "12 Monkeys". Other than some good performances by Bruce Willis and Brad Pitt (IMO) this movie is not worth watching. Maybe it was just because I was so tired, or maybe it was because of the commercials continually breaking up the pace, but it was very difficult to follow the story and get into it. I was considering just calling in sick to work but I need to get on top of an IOS rollout for the network, as well as track some ongoing upgrades for a configuration rollout (a cause of the IOS upgrade) that I had to come in. But I am not sure how affective I am today. It is taking me long periods of time to make decisions. I went to lunch with a few coworkers and when I was asked what I wanted to drink it took me about 15 seconds just to say "water". Then, when I was up at the buffett the Pastors from my church where there. They called out my name and my mind seemed to work in slow motion to respond. This week is not going to slow down though. Tonight music classes for 2 out of 3 little darlings. Tomorrow our care group is meeting. Friday I am taking the oldest two snowtubing with the church. Right now I just want to stay in bed. I still do not have my plans set for Valentine's day for my beloved. A friend had asked for an idea on what she could do to bless her husband and I am barely able to keep my own thoughts straight right now. My roller coaster of emmotions (depression ?) has really hindered so many aspects of my life. I do not care for things like I should. I tend to get more self focused that it just pushes the spiral tighter. Sort of like a self fulfilling prophecy. But even here God is reaching out. A man whom I am not very close to, but I do trust, in my church has offered to meet with me once a week during lunch. And this area is his actual career field. So... Anyway... yet more useless ramblings from a clouded mind. Verse for today: Psalm 63:1-8 esv O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me. Amen

2 comments:

ALP said...

Maybe just maybe you need to curl up with the Bible, a notepad and fall into your Fathers lap for some rejuvenation time!

It is hard to feel like you are productive when you can't see straight.

Praying,
Amy

BigMama said...

It's hard to feel connected to God when you feel disconnected (or at least strained) with those here who are supposed to love us, isn't it? Of course, you know, as well as I, that those are the times when we need to really dig into our relationship with Jesus, but it's at those times when it can be so much more difficult.

I'll pray that your time with the man from your church will help you clear some of the clouds away. Be blessed! ~A