Running as fast as i can and feeling like fried apple wedges

Today my mind is really, really fuzzy. I like to joke that y brain only works on a 16-bit processor, but it is busy with keeping essential body functions running because of recent goings-on in my life so it is operating only at about 50% efficiency right now. My beloved went in for an outpatient deal last week, only for the surgeon to find "a lot more" than he was expecting so he took pictures, considered the options, and backed out. So, in four weeks he will go back in and do a more "thorough" job. Rest and recovery time is expected to be a minimum of four weeks (not even allowed to drive), more likely being six weeks before she will be able to resume her "normal" routine. I am getting pretty nervous. I have arranged to be off the first week after her surgery, and her parents will be in-town for week two (another source of nervousness all together), but beyond that i am going to have to rely on friends. Many have graciously offered to help, but i have not had to really dive in and ask for such a level of assistance before. Each of them are going to have a lot of going on in their own lives, but i am trusting in God.

Even with the things going on with my beloved's health i have been having somewhat of a renewing in my walk with Christ. With all that has been going on in regards to looking for a new church (body of believers to worship with) i have been sensing a desire to draw closer to God. I know that sounds "off". Shouldn't we all feel the need to draw closer to God? Anyway... i am in a place sort of like the man in Mark 9. But instead of "unbelief" i am saying something akin to "I long for You Lord, please help me with my apathy towards You!”. While i have seen an "improvement" in this area, it is not near what i really desire. When i was younger i learned two very valuable things about myself from observations of leaders over me. The first lesson was from one of my Drill Sergeants at the end of my Basic and AIT in 1986. At the end, just before we walked onto the parade field for our graduation i asked him (i still remember his name Drill Sergeant Trotman) oh his impression of me. His response was that i was a good soldier, but that i tended to slack off on my effort when i thought people were not watching. The other was when i was working as a Carpenter's Apprentice. We were building a picket fence. We were in the process of nailing the pickets to the frame of the fence and my arm was tired so i'd stop every few feet and rest. At one point my boss came up to me and told me, "i know you don't think so, but you really can work faster". At the time i heard both of those i wasn't really sure how to take it. but as i look over my quiet times and my own walk with the Lord i see patterns of slacking off, or not putting forth my best effort ~ especially during periods off when i am tired or pressed. So, in addition to praying to ask God to help me change my apathy, i am working on pressing hard after Him ~ even when i may not feel like it. This has influenced my song selection for this week ~ sorry that it is late... again...

One Pure and Holy Passion Give me one pure and holy passion Give me one magnificent obsession Give me one glorious ambition for my life To know and follow hard after You Give me one pure and holy passion Give me on magnificent obsession Give me one glorious ambition for my life To know and follow hard after You To know and follow hard after you To grow as your disciple in your truth This world is empty, pale, and poor Compared to knowing you, my Lord Lead me on and I will run after you Lead me on and I will run after you Give me one pure and holy passion Give me one magnificent obsession Give me one glorious ambition for my life To know and follow hard after you To know and follow hard after you To grow as your disciple in the truth This world is empty, pale, and poor Compared to knowing you my Lord Lead me on and I will run after you Lord to know and follow hard after you And to grow as your disciple in your truth This world is empty, pale, and poor Compared to knowing you my Lord Lead me on and I will run after you Lead me on and I will run after you Lead me on and I will run after you

Before i go... totally unrelated... but i have found a hat i really want to get for trips like i took yesterday. It's rugged, it can be used for outdoor chores in bad weather, on hikes, or just out and about (except out on dates with my beloved ~ she is not as "in" to hats as i am). Anyway... i am pretty sure i will pick up this hat closer to my birthday.

Two for Tuesday and other misc. ramblings

My little 'world' has taken another jolt. I am not going to go into details, but it has put my into a whirlwind. I feel sick to my stomach, sadness, empty, confused. Probably a lot more that i am not understanding. Anyway, on the work this song played on the radio and i almost had to pull over to allow it to "wash over me". So, instead of one Music Monday entry you all get two this week! 8)

Empty Me by Chris Sligh Empty Me i've had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright to see how it gets in the blood. and i've tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride and found a little is not quite enough. i know how i can stray and how fast my heart could change. empty me of the selfishness inside every vain ambition and the poison of my pride and any foolish thing my heart holds to lord empty me of me so i can be filled with you. i've seen just enough of the quick buys of the best lies to know how prodigals can be drawn away. i know how i can stray and how fast my heart could change. empty me of the selfishness inside every vain ambition and the poison of my pride and any foolish thing my heart holds to lord empty me of me so i can be filled with you. cause everything is a lesser thing compared to you, compared to you. cause everything is a lesser thing compared to you so why surrender all? empty me of the selfishness inside every vain ambition and the poison of my pride empty me of the selfishness inside every vain ambition and the poison of my pride and any foolish thing my heart holds to lord empty me of me so i can be lord empty me of me so i can be filled with you. oh, filled with you. empty me.

This song had had an affect on me before, but this morning it just really filled me... not of Chris Sligh or His music, but an overwhelming sense of the Holy Spirit... which i really needed today. (Well, i need it every day... i guess i am just more aware of it today) This may be related... maybe not... maybe my ADD just kicking in, but... yesterday, before my "world" kind of lost kilter, i was praying about sending an e-mail to two old "acquaintances" regarding my church situation. Right now i am even more confused as to what to write, if to write at all. I am pretty sure i need to, but i need more time to pray over what to say in the e-mail. Yesterday i downloaded four sermons. A series on the Atonement, and it "looks" to be some good stuff. I had hoped to get into my MP3 player last night and do some serious organizing, but life has its own time line. I am going to organize my music and sermon downloads so that i can almost download from a file folder so i can download just what i am in the mood, or need, to hear. Sometimes i want to hear some of Jethro Tull, sometimes i really need to focus and listen to sermons, but i get frustrated when i have to search through my entire folder, or when i am really enjoying the music list i have going and it is "interrupted" by a message on sanctification. Not that there is ever a bad time to hear about such things, but if i am in the middle of cutting the grass it is hard to concentrate on what the speaker is talking about. Sunday afternoon i was spending the day cleaning up my "area" and sort of watching Doc Hollywood. That is a movie that is my kind of genre, so to speak. Sort of silly and is a good "popcorn" kind of entertainment. The whole time while i was rummaging through my mess and watching the movie i was trying to think what it was that i liked about such movies. I think it's the simplicity of it all. Especially Doc Hollywood. Small town, reminds me of that summer back in 1980. A simple life... everyone knows each other and cares for one another. Sort of a Utopia. One last thing... my family was supposed to be joining my Dad and Step Mom for a vacation in Maine latter next month. Unfortunately we will not be able to do it. It's a long, multi-faceted, tale, but we are not going. I've been to New England a few times, but i've never been to Maine... and that far north in July sounds like a really nice place.

Music Monday - 20090629

My beloved and i have only been searching for a new church for about a month now so in some ways it's too early to get very frustrated, and yet... Maybe we are just too sensitive. We are not ones to jump from church to church, but we are having trouble with being comfortable with sermons that center around man. It's hard for me to put into words a decent example. But, for us, an example would be when the sermon has a concept and then has several verses interjected to "support" the theme. We experienced this again yesterday, and one of the verses was used out of the context of the surrounding scripture. This has unfortunately not been an isolated experience. When this song came on at the end it was like a breath of fresh air to me.

Amazing grace, My Chains are Gone How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me I once was lost, but now I'm found Was blind, but now I see 'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear And grace my fears relieved How precious did that grace appear The hour I first believed (Chorus) My chains are gone I've been set free My God, my Savior has ransomed me And like a flood His mercy rains Unending love, Amazing grace The Lord has promised good to me His word my hope secures He will my shield and portion be As long as life endures (Chorus) The earth shall soon dissolve like snow The sun forbear to shine But God, Who called me here below Will be forever mine Will be forever mine You are forever mine (Chorus 2x) Amazing Love, Amazing Grace Amazing Love, Amazing Grace

One reason i think i am becoming too sensitive to the whole deal is the lines where it refers to God being "forever mine". When it comes to that does God really belong to us, or do we belong to Him? I realizing that this is splitting hairs and all, but after that sermon those lines stuck out like a ore thumb to me. I don't want God to be 'mine' in the sense my soul rests on how hard i hold on to Him... i want my soul to belong to Him. I am finite, He is infinite. I am weak, He is strong. But this song is not about us. It is about His Amazing Grace, and not our amazing works. Anyway... we are in search of a church where the gospel is proclaimed, and not how to become a better person. But how God is making me into the image of His Son.

Too little, too late

I found out this morning that my "Aunt" passed away this morning. I am finding myself saddened somewhat, and disappointed that i was not able to get my act together fast enough to make the (almost) four hour drive to visit with her. She, and her family, really did have that kind of impact upon me. There are plans for a memorial service later this summer and i WILL be there for that (assuming God does not have other plans). Speaking of later this summer... I have read that Julius Peppers has signed his one year, franchise-tag contract for $16.7m and some incentives. As a Carolina Panthers fan this makes me very, very happy. This young man has an incredible character, not to mention some seriously good athletic ability. I have no clue as to what the behind the scenes issues that helped create the turmoil over the last year or so, and in my opinion this is a testimony of his character, but i continue to hope (and pray) for a long term resolution that sees Mr. Peppers stay in Charlotte ~ hopefully until his retirement from football and maybe even all the way to Canton, OH. I have received my e-mail for my very own download code for Blood Bowl (for the PC). While the laptop i use for game play and writing is isolated from the WWW by design, i have recently purchased an external hard drive so that i can use my home PC to download files, etc. and then add them right where i need to, then when that is done i can transfer the drive to the laptop to play on. That being said... i am looking forward to trying to get a chance to finally play this game! Well, that is all i have for today...

And the hits keep on coming

Last night i found out my "Aunt" was being released from the hospital and going into Hospice. *sigh* This woman, her husband, and her kids took me and my brother in for a summer when we didn't have a place to go. The school year before this summer we had attended three different schools and lived in four different places and were about to be asked to leave the last one. That summer my "Aunt" and "Uncle" took us in. I still remember that summer with fondness. It was a great summer. "Uncle" was the Baptist Minister in the small town where they lived in the parsonage. The town had a blinking light for the four-way stop, and there was a bank on the corner. We walked everywhere and my brother and i shared in all the chores ~ which was an eye opener for us both. When it was coming to an end i begged to be allowed to stay with them but it was not to be. I am hoping to go and see her this weekend before it is too late, but i don't want to impose on my cousins in their time of grief... Lately i have been getting invites for a High School reunion. At first i was intrigued, but later i became annoyed. Not by the person who is working incredibly hard to get all of it organized, but at the school population from back then in general. When i went to that school i sat with only four other kids, three of which i am still friends with (not bad considering that was over two decades ago). For the most part we were shunned, mostly ignored, and sometimes picked on. We handled ourselves well enough (my "applesauce 'grenade'" is still fondly remembered), but we were not really a part of the whole if you get my meaning. If memory serves my nickname back then was "brainiack" as people stuck out legs to try and trip me as i read between classes. After seeing how my beloved's reunions have gone... i don't see it being worth my time. Yesterday, over at Eternal Revolution (yet another Christian Samurai themed blog) i caught wind of the samurai umbrella! LOL! That's right, the samurai umbrella! Sometimes i find out about some really cool Christian Samurai things, but this is one of those things that is just fun. I don't think i will be picking one up, but just knowing that such a thing exists made me chuckle. Such is the 'danger' of living in a free market economy i guess. Where if someone is willing to buy such a product at a price you can make some money on, people make it. For a while now i have been talking with a friend of mine about helping me sort of spruce up the "dojo" here. I finally sat down with him last night. Since i am asking him to do this from the kindness of his heart (well, he has not mentioned anything about paying him anyway), i am not expecting too much of a change, but it should look good, simple but good, when all is said and done. I am also unsure of any kind of time line. Just that i am finally working on it. If anyone has some suggestions i would welcome them, but i would ask for an example so i know what you are talking about. *grin* Lately i have been wanting to be in the middle of a really strong thunderstorm. I don't know why, but i just really have the desire to be in the middle of it, soaking wet, feeling the rumble of the thunder in my chest and the wind all around me. And i am not talking about one of those passing storms that roar in and is gone in ten minutes. One that lasts a good thirty minutes or more. Back when i had just become a Christian one of my new roommates had a sound track CD that had rain and gentle storm sounds on it. I slept like a baby when i went to bed with it on. Ok, in closing... lately it has been feeling like God has been telling me to get off the bench and do... something. I am not sure what, but... i need to continue to pray... delve into His word... and seek where He would have me go or do. That began Sunday with the sermon at the church we were visiting. The visiting pastor to the church was talking about the difference between a Christian who sits and studies all the time but doesn't do anything and one who may not know as much but is actually out in the fields getting his/her hands dirty. Then, yesterday, a sermon from Kenneth Maresco come up on my MP3 player - The Pursuit and Practice of Fellowship . Although i had listened to this sermon before it seemed to hit home on several points and i am now praying over a few specific points... we shall what God will do.

Borrowed from a fellow blogger

Today has been really crazy, but i was following a link from another blog i follow (Thanks Gunny) and feel that this is a most excellent quote...

A Man's Good Opinion of Himself

"In all unbelief there are these two things--a good opinion of one's self and a bad opinion of God. Man's good opinion of himself makes him think it quite possible to win God's favor by his own religious performances; and his bad opinion of God makes him unwilling and afraid to put his case wholly into His hands. The object of the Holy Spirit's work (in convincing of sin) is to alter the sinner's opinion of himself, and so to reduce his estimate of his own character that he shall think of himself as God does, and so cease to suppose it possible that he can be justified by an excellency of his own. The Spirit then alters his evil opinion of God, so as to make him see that the God with whom he has to do is really the God of all grace. But the inquirer denies that he has a good opinion of himself and owns himself a sinner. Now a man may SAY this, but really to KNOW it is something more than SAYING. Besides, he may be willing to take the name of sinner to himself, in common with his fellow-men, and yet not at all own himself such a sinner as God says he is--such a sinner as needs the cross, and blood, and righteousness of the Son of God. It takes a great deal to destroy a man's good opinion of himself; how difficult it is to make a man think of himself as God does! What but the almightiness of the Divine Spirit can accomplish this? Unbelief, then, is the belief of a lie and the rejection of the truth. Accept, then, the character of God as given in the gospel; the Holy Spirit will not give you peace irrespective of your views of God's character. It is in connection with THE TRUTH concerning the true God, "the God of all grace," that the Spirit gives peace. That which He shows us of ourselves is only evil; that which He shows us of God is only good!" --Horatius Bonar (1808 - 1889)

May God richly bless all who come upon this little blog...

Music Monday - 20090622

Yesterday was Father's Day (at least here in the United States). For me it was a special one, but i sort of covered why on Friday. Yesterday was also the first day of my family's search for a new church. We are prayerfully visiting at least two churches not too far from our home. The speaker at the church yesterday was a visitor so we will have to revisit it so we can hear the Senior Pastor speak to get a better feel for the regular sermons there, but the message was a timely one ~ at least for me. One thing i am grateful for is that no matter who is preaching God's Word, He can use it to change lives no matter the skill of the man presenting it. Isaiah 55:10-11 says, "For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it." (ESV) As we celebrate Father's Day i would like to dedicate today's song to my Father God...

Dear Lord and Father of Mankind Lyrics ~ John G. Whittier, 1807-1892 Music ~ Frederick C. Maker, 1844-1927 Stanza 1: Dear Lord and Father of mankind, Forgive our fev'rish ways; Reclothe us in our rightful mind, In purer lives Thy service find, In deeper rev'rence, praise. Stanza 2: In simple trust like theirs who heard, Beside the Syrian sea, The gracious calling of the Lord, Let us, like them, without a word, Rise up and follow Thee. Stanza 3: O sabbath rest by Galilee, O calm of hills above, Where Jesus knelt to share with thee The silence of eternity, Interpreted by love! Stanza 4: Drop thy still dews of quietness, Till all our strivings cease; Take from our souls the strain and stress, And let our ordered lives confess The beauty of Thy peace. Stanza 5: Breathe through the heats of our desire Thy coolness and Thy balm; Let sense be dumb, let flesh retire; Speak through the earthquake, wind, and fire, O still, small voice of calm.

We still have some road to travel to find a church home, and i am not entirely sure how long or hard this will be. But you cannot reach the end of a journey unless you follow the path to its conclusion.