Writer's block and other ramblings

What a whirlwind couple of weeks.  I started a new position at work, which requires some upfront commuting into the city.  Something i am NOT used to.  It has really thrown my little corner of the world into quite a whirlwind. I am reorienting myself regarding morning wake up time, Rx and vitamins (remembering to take them), keeping track of kids homework, finding time for my beloved and i to get out on a date, and all of the other routines i used to have fairly down pat.

I am loving my new job, even though i am still in the learning curve phase.  My only regret is i have been wanting to get some more writing done.  Let's be honest... i was not writing all that much before the new job.  I had been in a writing rut for quite a few months.  Part of it was due to wanting to wait until Path of the Seer by Gav Thorpe to be released.  I wanted more if his insight into the Eldar of the Warhammer 40,000 world.  But lately i have actually been having pretty good ideas... well, at least in my opinion.  I've not even written down my notes.  Mostly because i've been pretty tired lately and it clouds my memory so i will forget what i wanted to write down, or to even write at all. 

Well, a friend set a goal for herself... 100 words a day.  It can be an averaged, but she encouraged me to say just to use it as a goal per day, and allow myself the grace to excuse myself when i miss the goal.  Sounds like a plan.

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Moving at the speed of life

I once heard a slogan that said, "Moving at the speed of life".  For the life of me i cannot remember what the product or service was that it was for now... and i am too tired to try and research it (sorry anxious reader).  But the saying is a 'truism'.  Life never stops, it never even slows down.  From my perspective it only seems to get faster and faster.  This is the time of my children's lives i should be most enjoying.  Soaking it all in.  But it is neigh impossible.  It feels like i can barely catch my own breath.  I get up, sometimes i help get lunches made and make sure they are on the bus off to school, then i go to work, i get home i play taxi driver to/from practices, when my beloved is working i will whip up something for dinner (over baked BBQ chicken is a recent hit), then i try and check homework (which i think i am failing at because DD3 is struggling silently in math and social studies), try and make sure they wash behind their ears and then shew the youngsters off to bed, and then climb in between the sheets myself, only to repeat the next day.  Weekends are not much better.  Replace work with chores and/or running to/from games and church on Sundays.  I love my kids, and i try and make a priority of spending time with them... but it all just seems to blur by so fast. I don't want to blink and have an empty house.  But life never slows down.  To quote Mr. Bueller, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."  The trick is... getting yourself stopped long enough to get that look in.  I wish i could slow down those moments like the Ba'ku in the movie Star trek: Insurrection. I think that is why the Psalmist says, "Be still and know I am God." (Psalm 46:10, ESV) (Note: it is always important to read verses in context of the surrounding verses - too often verses are taken out of context to mean something other than they were intended for - in this case the passages are talking about taking the time to contemplate all of the things God has done.)

Speaking of moving at the speed of life... i recently started a new job.  It happened incredibly fast.  I was approached, sort of off to the side, where i was asking how happy i was with my (now previous) employer.  The question caught me so off guard that i asked him what he meant.  When he clarified i say, i'm pretty happy with the people i work with, but the corporate environment and mentality of the company as a whole - i was pretty disillusioned.  I was encouraged to inquire with an incoming company regarding some new positions.  Not knowing what to expect i sent off an e-mail to the points of contact i had been given.  That day i received an e-mail and a phone call from one of the POC's saying he was forwarding my request to what i refer to as a "head hunter" (HH) - sort of a person who weeds through potentials and does a lot of the preliminary leg work so that companies don't have to "waste" as much time sorting through the piles of applicants and can focus on the smaller group of "potentials".  The next day i received a phone call from the HH, but i did not get the message until after work as we were literally moving offices across town.  The next day i call the HH back and he asks me a few questions, then asks if i mind f he bridges on two or three others - i am interviewed right then!  Technical questions, etc.  I was caught off guard again and felt pretty unprepared, but i felt like i did OK.  Later that night i get a call from the company's Human Resources person.  She asked me a few more questions and talked to me about the position they wanted to hire me for.  I was blown away, not just because the speed at which things were moving, but it was also a different position than i was led to believe i was applying for - which was fine, because it was a position i had pined for, for about two years.  The only downside... the group was based out of downtown Washington DC.  I hesitatingly mentioned that i could not do that kind of commute day in and day out; however, if i could work at the 'remote' office and only make the trip downtown a few times a month (after a train up period) i would accept.  The next day (a grand total of three business days) i was offered, and i accepted the position.  I am still amazed how it all happened, but this has been how God has moved regarding my entire career.

When i first got into my career it was because i was having trouble getting started in college (long story) and i was delivering pizzas at the time.  My beloved was starting her career having just graduated college (i proposed to her on her graduation day).  I was just looking to get a better paying job until i could start school full time.  I came in a entry level and they taught me the skills i needed.  I moved up, and then when my beloved became pregnant with DS1 i borrowed some money from the in-laws and went to a 6 month trade school at night.  When i finished that i sent out exactly one resume and was hired.  Again, they taught me the skills i needed specific to the job, and there were a lot of eager mentors to show me the ropes and i moved up with that company as well.  Quickly moving from the desk, to shift lead, and then to a change control group.  Each step of the way i found people willing to teach me.  Then 9/11 hit, i was deployed for 13 months and when i came back i was given a hard choice.  In the end it was not really all that hard - after being away from the family for that year my position was moved to the swing shift.  I was going to miss seeing the family during the week.  But then, an opportunity came along to jump to a new group, one  that was on site with the customer - but... it was a 2 pay grade reduction, and counting the shift differential i lost out on... a 20 percent cut in pay.  Since then i have slowly risen to new positions.  I was once asked how i got the job i had and how they could get one similar.  I answered the guy, it's not possible to do it the way i did it (i still explained how it all went down and the path i had taken)... but looking back... it should not be possible.  God has been incredibly generous to this High School dropout.  I have a position that i can provide for my family of 5 on my single income... pretty much unheard of in this day and age.

No matter how fast life is... take the time to give thanks and look around.  Marvel at all that God has done, and is doing.  We only come this way once... find a way to be like the Ba'ku, and slow down time to enjoy the experience.  I say this to myself as much as anyone.

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Are you ready for some FOOTBALL!!! and other ramblins

After a miserable 2-14 season by the Carolina Panthers, i will not allow my hopes to get all that high in regards to the 2011 NFL season. I was not one of the fans or media types all hyped about Cam Newton starting week 1 against the Arizona Cardinals, but i have to admit, i was impressed with his performance the past four weekends.  Still, one game - one season - does not make it to the Hall of Fame.  Still, if the Panthers can keep him healthy, and the coaches keep up good game plans and adapt... there very well could be an exciting future for the Panthers.  I have this year's schedule at my work area and i publicly listed my hopes for this season.  I am predicting 4-12, i will be happy with 6-10, amazed with  8-8 , and ecstatically happy with a 9-7 or better season.  Here is to hope, which springs eternal.

Speaking of the Panthers, my all time favorite player for the Panthers, John Kasay, signed a deal with the New Orleans Saints to fill in for their injured place kicker.  This has in no way diminished my opinions of this man as a Carolina Panther player.  The Panthers made a business decision when they released him, and Kasay made a business decision to continue to support his family through a talent that God has provided him with.  I still hope to make the trip should the Panthers do the right thing and honor him.  It is unlikely that the Saints will keep him once their regular kicker is healthy again, so...  I will not be burning my John Kasay jersey anytime soon.  Not like i wanted to do to any Julius Peppers jersey i saw.

Ok - any seasoned listener of Pandora probably already knows about this but the other day i accidentally clicked the "Quick Mix" channel.  It mixes all of your channels together randomly!  How awesome is that!  LOL  I really like that it moves through the various genres and plays a selection and then moves on.  Really cool.  I am enjoying this mostly while i am out exercising. Which reminds me... i like both RunKeeper and CardioTrainer as apps on my Android phone.  RunKeeper has the edge for me with an elevation tracker as well.  In all, i've lost about 6 pounds since starting to exercise at the beginning of summer with a few "set backs" in regards to aches and pains, but so far i've been keeping up with at least 3 times a week of getting out for an hour or more each time.

Have you ever had a song just bust out in your head?  Meaning, you see/hear/smell/read/whatever something and some song just pops into your mind? It happens to me a lot, and it's weird.  And it can drive some people crazy because i like to sing and/or whistle whatever the song is.  I once asked a musically gifted friend if she thought we would learn how to play musical instruments in heaven, and she said that she believed i would get that chance.  \o/  I just lack the time and discipline to do it (so far) on this side of heaven.

I've been struggling to write lately.  I go round and round about what to write but then nothing.  One stumbling block is my ability to access my older, unpublished, work and then edit or add to it.   I have a plethora of little notebooks lying around.  The intent was to add notes about a story line or character now and again and then access it when i am ready to put finger to keyboard.  But now... all my thoughts are jumbled and hard to pick up any one thread.  A friend once suggested to just set a goal for 100 words a day.  I am going to give that a try.  8)  Fortunately blogging counts, so this has given me a start for this month.

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MouseHunt blogging and running Eldar

In the signature of my personal e-mail i have a link to my blog here.  It's to shamelessly plug my blog among my friends... and yet, ironically, i have no consistent readers among the friends i have in real life (vs. just facebook, or whatever).  Well, sometimes my work entails working by phone and it is often hard to get concepts across, especially as i think visually (i.e. in pictures) and then i have to translate them into words... which does not always convey what i am "seeing" very well (especially for a guy flunked English - a LOT).  The other day i had to exchange (quite) a few e-mails via my awesome HTC EVO.  Well, for a variety of reasons my phone is not synchronized to use my work e-mail account so we tread carefully and we used my personal account to banter back  and forth and resolved the issue we were working on.  About an hour later my coworker sent me a text message saying how much he liked the blog - mostly the information links pertaining to Autism in general, and Aspergers in particular.  I am not sure why, but i was embarrassed. Now, this blog gets posted to my Facebook profile and i have at sometime or another told all of my friends about it, so i make it a point to be careful what i post, to not post anything that i would not want to be public knowledge... so why should i be embarrassed by this blog?  I am actually pretty proud of it.

My all time favorite Facebook game, MouseHunt continues to improve itself.  In addition to a recent Baron area (a fairly high level) called the Sandtail Desert Region, the developers of this game have expanded upon the Chess themed area i love so much called the Crystal Library.  Love this new area.  One has to perform "research" in order to accomplish the needed tasks in order to eventually make an entirely new trap for a new adversary. In many ways it is similar to the Dragon Mouse.  You have to fashion a special trap for the one mouse!  However, there is also a brand new trap - that looks like a new Shadow type trap... pretty cool. Still enjoying this game after playing it for 18 months now... and for me... that is saying something.

My writing has been sporadic at best of late.  Just too many other things in life to distract me.  I still enjoy it, and it is a relaxing way to dream (so to speak) and i can start/stop without having to get out a bunch of materials, setting it all up, and then having to tear it all down again and put it away when i am finished.  Even the actually sitting down to type/write is not all that involved.  Recently Gav Thorpe wrote out a pretty detailed process of how he wrote one of his Elf novel trilogies. That really made me realize that i will most likely, barring the sky splitting open to tell me that this is what God wants me to do, never be a published writer.  I am ok with that.   This is just a hobby, one to be enjoyed.  If it becomes a struggle... then it will no longer be a hobby, but work.  In any event, i am not sure how long my Eldar Ranger story line will be shelved, but it may be until the last novel in the Eldar trilogy is released sometime next Summer/Fall.  The 2nd one of the series, Path of the Seer, is due to be out any day now.  Looking forward to this one, but not as much as the last one in the series titled, Path of the Outcast. My recent attempts are still forming, but i will share them on my short story blog when i am ready. 

One thing my depression has done, it affected my desire to take care of myself.  Not in selfish ways (although the semi-intentional self neglect could be classified as selfish), but in ways like watching what and how much i eat, and exercising.  I have always loved running.  For as long as i can remember i have loved it.  From the time my dad "dragged" me, my brother and my step mother out to the park in New York City to go running with him (i don't remember if i complained back then, but my memories of it now are all good), up through High School when i up and joined the Cross Country team (our 1st day of practice - 12 miles "warm up" 8 sets of hills, 8 wind sprints, then a 3 mile "cool down"), through my time in the Guard.  When i am in shape... i love the sensation of running.  I enjoy the "burn", i enjoy the personal challenge, the "mind over matter", i enjoy being alone in thought to pray or dream or just - not.  LOL.  But, i have let myself go over time.  Later on in my military service i stopped running all the time and would only get in shape to pass the APFT.  Well, since retiring in July of '08 i've not done ANY serious running.  As a result i added another 15 pounds to the frame (which was already 30 pounds over weight if you ask the doctors) and i started to develop problems with the knees.  About four months ago i was talked into trying out a pair of "minimalist" shoes for work.  Long story short, my knee ached less and gave me a lot less trouble using the stairs.  In June, i finally got the nerve to try and start running again and began the "Couch to 5k" (c25k) program.  It got off to a rocky start.  I developed discomfort in both knees and my right ankle.  Some of this was due to the "minimalist" style, and part of it is due to my being over weight and inactivity.  Well, i dialed it down some and began to just walk (in running it is almost NEVER a good idea to just run through the pain).  Once i was able to maintain a 4mph walking pace with no linger pain or needing to take a day or more off, i started the jogging back up.  Yesterday was the first day back to jogging and i am pretty psyched.  it's hard to keep the enthusiasm in check so that i don't injure myself and keep on track.  I am down 5 pounds since starting.  Who knows... if this works, and i can sustain it over time... maybe i can get off of the Celexa.  But if not... i am ok with that too.

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A sad time for me as a Carolina Panthers fan - and the usual ramblings

It finally happened... the Carolina Panthers released John Kasay, my all time favorite player for the Panthers.   I am at the age now where i am really noticing these kinds of things.  Football player careers are short, and a 16 year stint with the Panthers is very long time in the world of the NFL.And yet... i am very sad that this day has come for John Kasay.  When i asked for a Carolina Panthers jersey, i was specific that i wanted the number 4, with John Kasay's name on the back.  The man is simply a class act.  Scott Fowler at the Charlotte Observer has done a couple of really nice articles, but i will add my agreement with his sentiments here.  John Kasay was pretty consistent.  With the exception of the year he tore his ACL (while making a tackle on a kick return no less), he was almost automatic.  Whenever he made a game winning field goal he always deflected the praise to his teammates for getting him in the position to kick the score, and when he missed - and especially after the bad kickoff in the SB against the Patriots he always took it upon himself, that he was the one who let his teammates down.  At the end of the day it is a team sport, and it always is a team effort.  But John Kasay left his mark outside the locker room as well, being a vital part of his community, and never shied away from his faith in Christ.  He will be missed, and by more than just myself.  I hope the Panthers add him to their "Hall of Honor".  I would love to make a trip down to the game when they do this - or even just for the ceremony if they do it in the off season.  I wish more professional athletes were as humble and upright as John Kasay.

With that segue, sort of, in additional to Caleb Campbell being on the Detroit Lions roster, the Lions have invited Collen Mooney to camp.  Caleb Campbell is #53 and a Linebacker.  He played safety for Army "in the day", but was moved up to be a speedy linebacker.  Last year Caleb spent most of his time on the practice squad, but did make it up to the #53 man roster a time or two.  Collin Mooney was a Fullback for Army and currently has the single season rushing record for them.  The Lions had 2 Fullbacks on the roster, but only ever suited one - one article i said that the Lions may try and see how he does as a "Power" Running back.  While i am still not sure of either man's chances of making the final 53 man roster, or even the practice squads this year, i am still very glad to see West Point being represented in the NFL.  It doesn't hurt that both of them a Artillerymen either.    So... i will be watching both men, and if they both make the roster... i just might have to get some kind of Lions paraphernalia.    Go ARMY!

I am going to make it official... i am aligning myself with the American National Tea Party.  I have grown to despise the cross-aisle finger pointing and bickering.  I am tired of the laws of the land not applying to those who are supposed to "represent" us.  I am tired of the very people that are supposed to express the point of view of their constituency not "getting it", and i am especially tired of this nation getting deeper and deeper into debt every year.  There are some exceptions, and i am not pointing the finger at either of the two main political parties.  Over 11% of the annual budget is interest.  Just interest, not principle of the load, just the interest.  I have heard it put this way:

"If the US Government was a family, they would be making $58,000 a year, they spend $75,000 a year, and are $327,000 in credit card debt. They are currently proposing BIG spending cuts to reduce their spending to $72,000 a year. These are the actual proportions of the federal budget and debt, reduced to a level that we can understand." ~ Dave Ramsey

It is just not sustainable.  If i ran my house this way, i would be in bankruptcy and out on the street.  Those who represent us need to grow a set of _____ and put on their big girl panties and make some really hard decisions.  They need to tread carefully of course, but their eyes shouldn't wander to places like Social Security, Medicare, or the retirement "entitlement" those who have retired after 20+ years of service to this country.  Those programs are people - generally - from the lower income brackets who have put their time in, who have busted their tails all their lives.  There are plenty of other areas that could be scrutinized and pinched.  No plan is going to make everyone happy, and every plan is going to make somebody mad, but this country is heading down into a hole that is inescapable if we are not careful.  And before anyone goes off spouting that the Tea Party is a bunch of bigots, do some research to see just who makes up the rank and file of this political party's supporters.  I think our country is past due for a couple of more political parties with influence beyond the Democrats and the Republicans. Checks and balances.  Since the Tea Party is predominantly conservative, i feel that a subset of the Democratic liberal would be apropos. 

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Writer's block, and how to get known

Ok, before anyone accuses me of a bait and switch, the title reflects the contents of this blog, and while it is catchy, the two topics are not directly related.  It is my quirky randomness that drew the two subjects together and thus created the Title for this blog post.  Sorry if it misled anyone.

Writer's block.  Anyone who has ever had a deadline for an essay in High School knows what this is.  It sucks, even when you are not a writer by profession.  I know of a few strategies to get past it.  Go back and rewrite the last sentence/paragraph/page.  Just free write until something comes to you.  Start a new thread until you complete the assignment or something new comes to you.  The second one works best for me, but there are times when nothing seems to work except stepping away for a time and coming back later.  Sometimes months or even a year.  I got to a point in my on going story series that i just couldn't seem to move forward with it.  I backed up, i approached it from various angles... but i am stuck.  I've even considered re-writing some of it.  Such are the perils of not having a start to finish outline i believe.  I outlined some, but since it was an on-going deal i only went so far, and then out paced my outline with the writing.  So... i am going to take a(n as yet determined) brief break from that storyline.  Almost immediately i had another story line concept that i am interested in pursuing.  This one not in the Necromunda setting.  It is still in a gaming system though, because i lack sufficient creativity to create my own 'universe'.  This one will take place within Steve Jackson Games universe of Car Wars.  Yet another not mainstream game - even by table top war gaming standards.  I will see if i can get some short stories off the ground this way.  Mostly, because i just like to write, and i am just not a touchy-feely kind of writer.  I like to write about people that have to eek out an existence out of pretty hostile situations.  As usual the main protagonist(s) will not be some well off, silver spoon fed, aristocrat.  They will be an everyman type deal, and their trials and accomplishments.  I have one character outlined in my head, but i am awaiting some feedback from a friend on the second one.  We shall see. 

Sometime back, if you've actually been reading this blog long enough, you may remember my concern with the following verses:  

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness." (Matthew 7:21-23, ESV)

It concerns me because it clearly shows people who were doing things in the name of Christ, and yet the Lord Himself say, "I never knew you"! How can one who proclaims themselves a Christian, a follower of Christ, not have at least some concern over this statement?!?  My concern does not come because i think the Lord is some kind of vindictive despot.  It is because i know He is a just God.

The Lord descended in the cloud and stood with him there, and proclaimed the name of the Lord. The Lord passed before him and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children's children, to the third and the fourth generation.” (Exodus 34: 5-7, ESV)

And the Lord being just is perfectly within His right to dismiss the very people that did all of those things in His name, and yet they are turned from the Throne because He never knew them.  This had me meditating.  I know we are NOT saved by works.  We can never do enough good things to overcome the debt we have incurred, and that we produce good works - not to obtain righteousness, or God's favor - but because of what He has already accomplished by Christ's work.  The concept of grace is not what concerned me... but the walk through life with the firm belief in those works are evidence of the grace, evidence of my heart change, but then when it comes to stand before the Judgment seat and hear those terrible words.  Then, yesterday the Lord showed me a verse within His word that gave me comfort:

Now concerning food offered to idols: we know that “all of us possess knowledge.” This “knowledge” puffs up, but love builds up. If anyone imagines that he knows something, he does not yet know as he ought to know. But if anyone loves God, he is known by God. (1 Corinthians 8:1-3, ESV)

I can see how this can be a round robin train of thought.  If you love God, you will do what He says, but we cannot do what He says without His provision, and because, of His grace, but how do we receive this grace unless we love Him?  In the end i find myself praying for His grace to love Him more, so that i may do the things He commands.  In the end it is but for me to love, to serve, to pursue Him, and all my effort and strength is provided by and through my Lord Jesus Christ.

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Musical Monday - 20110704

Another thing i miss because of my own not posting blogs of late... Music Monday.  This has been a song that recently has really grabbed my attention and brought forth meditations of God.  To think that God would condescend and become flesh.  To leave His glory, to leave heaven, to walk among man.  He then proclaimed the word of God, and when He had accomplished all that He had come to do, He ascended back to his home.  Because of this all those who come to receive Him and believe, will then get to share His home when our time here on earth is complete.  What an incredible thing to think upon.

Glorious Day

Casting Crowns

One day when Heaven was filled with His praises

One day when sin was as black as could be

Jesus came forth to be born of a virgin

Dwelt among men, my example is He

Word became flesh and the light shined among us

His glory revealed

Living, He loved me

Dying, He saved me

Buried, He carried my sins far away

Rising, He justified freely forever

One day He’s coming

Oh glorious day, oh glorious day

One day they led Him up Calvary’s mountain

One day they nailed Him to die on a tree

Suffering anguish, despised and rejected

Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He

Hands that healed nations, stretched out on a tree

And took the nails for me

One day the grave could conceal Him no longer

One day the stone rolled away from the door

Then He arose, over death He had conquered

Now He’s ascended, my Lord evermore

Death could not hold Him, the grave could not keep Him

From rising again

One day the trumpet will sound for His coming

One day the skies with His glories will shine

Wonderful day, my Beloved One, bringing

My Savior, Jesus, is mine

Oh, glorious day

© 2009 My Refuge Music/Club Zoo Music (adm. by EMI CMG Publishing) (BMI) / Be Essential Songs (adm. by Sony/ATV Songs LLC) (BMI) / Word Music, LLC (ASCAP)

From the notes and the group and song writers:  The hymn "One Day" was a big hymn for me growing up. All I knew was hymns until probably 21 or 22 years old; that’s what we had in our church. The chorus: "Living He loved me, dying He saved me, buried He carried my sins far away," that has just been a part of me from the start. As a youth pastor, you want your students to hear the theology of the hymns and sometimes you have to play it a little different way.

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