Where to go, where to go

What a crazy week or so.  I say, "or so" because the days sort of all blur together recently. I am not railing against this, even though it is not my preferred life style, just acknowledging that this is something i am getting used to.  With my Beloved working i have been trying to keep up with the things she used to do.  This is not an every day thing, which in a way makes it harder for me.  Fortunately my Beloved encouraged me to get my first "smart" phone - an HTC EVO.  I really like this phone, but the relevant part here is that i am able to use a calendar and notepad app to help me keep track of who/what/when/where and sometimes even the how.  While i am still working on dealing with the anxiety and probable depression, it seems like it has been getting easier.  I have met with a counselor twice now.  While i sometimes struggle with feeling like i am somehow failing because i need to do this (see someone to help me through this time of transition), i also recognize that i do indeed need to do this.  Maybe not for very long, but for now.  The verse (in addition to some Bible study material that was shared) for this week was Isaiah 26:3-4:

You (God) keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in you.

Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.  (ESV)

Every once in a while a co-worker and i head to Panera Bread for lunch.  Man i really enjoy that place.  I usually get the tune sandwhich on whole grain, plus a whole grain bread-thing.  Oh, and a large ice tea.  There is something about their ice tea that it just plain outstanding.  I can see why so many people like going there.

Recently a cousin shared a link to a "new" blog that is there to help parents of children with Aspergers, aptly titled "My Aspergers Child".  There is a lot of good information to be had there.  I encourage anyone who works with, has a family member, is a parent of, even one yourself, to visit this blog.

Last, but not least, for my ramblingness today, i will touch on MouseHunt once more.  For me, the Halloween special event was pretty decent, despite me not being a Halloween-kind-of-guy.  Some interesting event mice, and a new trap called the Pumpkin Pmmeler.  Not one i will use very often because i already have what i consider to be a better Shadow-type trap, butfun to keep in a collection none-the-less.  I even went through the event a second time to get a second copy of the pieces parts so i can eventually construct the "Cackle Lantern" trap - which as far as i can tell, is the most powerful Shadow-trap thus far.  However, that thing will take a LONG time to be able to construct just in the sheer number of points and money it takes.  On a similar vein, i managed to assemble all of the parts i need for the best Physical, non-limited edition, trap - the RhinoBot, but when i went to assemble it... not "experienced" enough.  *sigh*  So, i am back to Tribal Isles (where i have just recently assembled the Ancient Spear trap... making me itch for Tier V back at the King's Gauntlet).  My Beloved does not quite understand my facination with this game... and i am not so sure i could explain it either.  Oh well... back to the hunt!

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Random one sixth of a dozen - 20101027

Linda at 2nd Cup of Coffee is getting burned out, and i can't say that i am surprised.  it is hard work coming up with twelve fresh questions each and every week.  And on top of that, making each question interesting and not a repeat of one that has gone before.  I am not entirely sure, but there may be a grass roots effort to band together and help share the load of this meme.  If interested, surf over there and post a comment stating as much.

Due to Linda's dilema, she has only posted two questions for this week:

1. What scares you the most,  A) Physically and B) Emotionally? Why does it scare you, and how do you cope? ~To be honest, things that scare me are not things i normally dwell on. Physically i have a thing for falling.  I love to rappel, but then i know i am connected to a rope and i have "control".  But there is just something about falling that turns my stomach.  I also seem to have trouble with trying to help others who are injured.  Especially if i have time to think on it.  I can take an x-acto knife to my own body to cut out a deep splinter, but just using tweezers on someone else to do the same thing.  Emotionally, while i am still exploring this with a counselor, it would seem that i have issues with abandonment. I am not a very verbal communicator.  While i have had a few people tell me that i write well, when i am face to face not so much.  So, this makes me all the more grateful for the handful of friends i do have, especially IRL (i really like all of my cyber friends, but it's not entirely the same, sorry :) ).  They are a gift from God which i could not measure in a thousand years.



2. What comes to mind when you read the phrase, "Nothing gold can stay?" ~ It brought to mind tales of ancient civilizations ransacking some conquered neighbor.  To be honest, i am not sure what this means. 

That sums things up for this week... maybe i will have to go back to Wicked Wednesdays, but only time will tell.

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The Way of Walking with Christ - based on a work of Miyamoto Musashi

10) Have no heart for approaching the path of love.

I will jump quickly to what Paul says on the matter:

To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. (1 Corinthians 7:8, ESV)

What Miyamoto Musashi is talking about here is strictly from the point of view of having a completely devoted life to pursuing "The Way".  As a Christian samurai "The Way" is not the pursuit of Bushido, but the pursuit of our Lord Jesus Christ.  I can speak from personal experience on this one.  I have been married to a wonderful woman for over seventeen years, and i am very grateful to God for her in my life.  God uses this woman, and our children, in my life to help me grow.  However, my focus is not continually upon the Lord now that i am married.  I need to make sure that i am providing for her and our children.  The cares of the world creep up much more frequently because i cannot just dismiss this or that concern.  But, when one is single, it is much easier to focus solely on God.  You can think less of yourself and be more readily available.  Sort of like when Jesus sent out the seventy two.  (Luke 10)  He instructed them, "Carry no moneybag, no knapsack, no sandals, and greet no one on the road." (Luke 10:4, ESV)  Ever try and travel with a baby?  You practically double your load. Now having said all this, not everyone is called to be single.

But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1 Corinthians 7:9, ESV)

Being married does not eliminate you from being able to serve the Lord, but you need to understand that it is a restraint and your focus of learning and conforming is different than that of an unmarried/uninhibited follower of Christ.  If you are married, stay married, but if you are not... consider remaining single.  The whole chapter of 1 Corinthians 7 is an excellent illustration of God's instructions to us in this regard.

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Misc. Ramblings, yet again

MouseHunt is putting on a little Halloween "special" event.  To help change things up for those who play the game, a few times a year the Developers of the game throw "special events".  Themes seem to be Halloween, Christmas, Valentine's Chinese New Year and to celebrate the game's "Birthday" too.  Maybe even "normal" New Year stuff too, but i am not sure.  Anyway, they've also redone some of the pictures of the "normal" mice they have, plus opened up a seasonal special area: Haunted Territories.  I particularly like the cyborg-like event mice that are there.  Variety is the spice of life.

Speaking about Halloween.  I have never been a big fan of Halloween.  I take that back... i had a phase in my early ten years where i tried to embrace it, but in the back of mind it was creepy and unsettling.  As i've gotten older i have come to feel that Halloween is not something that should be embraced.  It has the feel of the glorification of death and evil things.  It has the feel of the attempt to make such things "normal", accepted, even admired to a degree.  Please do not misunderstand what i am saying, i am not judging or condemning those who embrace and enjoy this holiday.  It is not my place to do either.  I am only sharing my opinion on the matter.  The blog of a Pastor in Plano, TX, Gunny, had an excellent post regarding his thoughts on the matter.  It would seem that he and i are in the minority.

I had my first visit with a counselor last week.  It was a good visit, and i am very grateful that he was  Christian.  To be honest i was, and am, very nervous about my faith and beliefs being trivialized or discarded. Not that i have ever experienced that first hand, but it was a concern of mine.  We prayed before hand, and then since it was my first visit, we pretty much covered the basics, etc.  This is not a diagnosis, but it would seem i am struggling with "abandonment anxiety" probably stemming from my childhood.  I have a follow up visit scheduled for this week, and plan to continue for at least the short term.  In the interim he encouraged me to exercise (or get back in the habit) and to meditate on Philippians 4:4-7:

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (ESV)

While this is a "Duh!" moment, he reminded me to also meditate on how much, and how far, God has brought me.  And it has been helpful.  I have many friends who have mentioned that very thing has been an encouragement to them.  If for them... why not me?  8)

I am going to wrap this chaotic post up by saying that... i have lost my Flair image files!  I have no idea where i misplaced them... so... i will be working on rebuilding my image library once more.  I still LOVE the Flair app on Facebook and still skim through the pieces of flair, and i am still creating pieces to share.  As of the writing of this post i have over 6,400 flair points, just shy of 900 pieces of flair (no duplicates that i am currently aware of), and i have created over 225 pieces.  I hope to rectify this problem soon so i can begin to give my posts some color once more.

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Random Dozen - 20101020 - the late edition

Poor Linda over at 2nd Cup of Coffee has some real life interference while trying to get her weekly meme offering ready.  Fortunately Mocha with Linda stepped in to help out.  \o/ Yeah!  Although i am a little late in getting this published, here is my weekly addition to the Random Dozen.

1. Do you prefer to read the book or see the movie? ~ Mostly, i prefer the movie.  Not because i don't want to read, but because i am a slow reader and my life is in a phase right now where it is hard to sit still for more than 15 minutes and really be able to just enjoy the time reading.  Why?  Because when i do sit down, and get all engrossed in a book (which i almost always do), i have a very hard time putting it down and getting back to real life things... like MouseHunt. 

2. What is your favorite holiday and why? ~ Christmas by a wide margin.  Even at a young age, before i accepted Christ, i knew the holiday was more than a time to get gifts.  For me it is truly a magical time of year.  A sense of awe comes over me.  Now that i am a Christian to meditate all that this celebration portents is something i don't think i can come close to fully expound on.  I know that the date which we currently celebrate Christmas is a "borrowed" date from Pagan mythology, it is not the date or time of year that is important to me, but the Celebration of God become man, His condescension to come down to the Earth and live the life He did, and His ultimate end... to die for me, and all who come to Him, on the cross.

3. Which do you like better - the mountains or the beach? ~ That is really hard to choose.  I absolutely love living in sight of the Blueridge Mountains, but my Beloved and i love going to the beach - especially in the off season.  The smell in the air, and the sound of the waves... very nice.  Both have their detractors, and both have their enjoyments... i can't choose... but if i must... the mountains by the slimmest of margins.

4. If money were no consideration, what vehicle would you drive? ~ A DeLorian.  I have no idea why other than i like the look of it.  From what i understand it was never a top of the line sports car, and there were other issues with the car as a whole, but i wouldn't mind having this car in my garage.

5. What is your favorite cold-weather beverage? ~ I really enjoy hot chocolate.  Especially when it is made with milk instead of water.  I can leave those tiny marshmallows though.  Those things are annoying to me.

6. How do you communicate most often with your friends: phone, email, text, face-to-face, or Facebook? ~ It is sad to say, but facebook has been a revolution to me.  It has really enabled me to reach out to friends who have moved away, or even who's life are as busy as mine is.  If not for facebook, i am not sure how i would be able to keep up with my friends.

7. How do you receive your mail? Mailbox on the porch, at the end of the driveway, down the street, or post office box? ~ Our mailbox is at the end of the driveway.  Fortunately the drive is not all that long.

8. Of the four basic personality types - sanguine, phlegmatic, melancholic, and choleric - which is your strongest? Which is your least evident? ~ After review, and a confirmation request, i would say my strongest personality type is Melancholic, while the least evident is Sanguine.  Based off of the definitions listed below (as copied from Linda's page).  Although... the latter is not by a wide margin.

9. What do you miss the most about being 20? ~ Being able to roll out of bed and take an APFT and pass it. I also really enjoyed that time in the National Guard.  How does that saying go?  Being full of P__s and vinegar?  My nickname in the Guard back then was "High speed, low drag".

10. How long from the time you get up, does it take you to get ready to walk out the door in the morning? ~ I can do it in five minutes if i have to, with a little prior planning that is.  However, to do it properly, it will usually take me twenty minutes.

11. Who handles the car maintenance and pays the bills in your family? ~ I am "in charge" of making sure the cars are maintained.  Oil changed, inspection when needed, repairs, rotate tires, etc.  However, my Beloved tracks and handles the bulk of the bill paying.  To be honest, i was not always on top of things as i needed to be.

12. For those in the US, how many states have you visited? For those outside the US, how many provinces/other countries have you visited? ~ I have at least spent the night in twenty states, which actually surprised me (MA, CT, NY, PA, MD, VA, WV, NC, GA, FL, AL, MS, LA, AR, TX, OK, IL, OH, KY, and CA), and three countries outside of the U.S (Germany, Honduras, and Panama).  Even though i spent twenty two years in the Army National Guard, one thing i did get to do in uniform was travel (for training, not sight seeing).

Sanguine

The Sanguine temperament personality is fairly extroverted. People of a sanguine temperament tend to enjoy social gatherings, making new friends and tend to be quite loud. They are usually quite creative and often daydream. However, some alone time is crucial for those of this temperament. Sanguine can also mean very sensitive, compassionate and thoughtful. Sanguine personalities generally struggle with following tasks all the way through, are chronically late, and tend to be forgetful and sometimes a little sarcastic. Often, when pursuing a new hobby, interest is lost quickly when it ceases to be engaging or fun. They are very much people persons. They are talkative and not shy. For some people, these are the ones you want to be friends with and usually they become life long friends.

Choleric

A person who is choleric is a doer. They have a lot of ambition, energy, and passion, and try to instill it in others. They can dominate people of other temperaments, especially phlegmatic types. Many great charismatic military and political figures were cholerics. They like to be leaders and in charge of everything.

Melancholic

A person who is a thoughtful ponderer has a melancholic disposition. Often very considerate and get rather worried when they could not be on time for events, melancholics can be highly creative in activities such as poetry and art - and can become occupied with the tragedy and cruelty in the world. A melancholic is also often a perfectionist. They are often self-reliant and independent; one negative part of being a melancholic is sometimes they can get so involved in what they are doing they forget to think of others.

Phlegmatic

Phlegmatics tend to be self-content and kind. They can be very accepting and affectionate. They may be very receptive and shy and often prefer stability to uncertainty and change. They are very consistent, relaxed, rational, curious, and observant, making them good administrators and diplomats.

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The Way of Walking with Christ - based on a work of Miyamoto Musashi

9) Do not complain or feel bitterly about yourself or others.

To complain is to challenge God's authority in your life.  When your focus is elsewhere, on how good someone else has it, or how hard your path is, you are no longer working to make progress on your own path.  You begin to desire what others have, and this leads to covetousness.

When Peter saw him, he said to Jesus, “Lord, what about this man?” Jesus said to him, “If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!” So the saying spread abroad among the brothers that this disciple was not to die; yet Jesus did not say to him that he was not to die, but, “If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you?” (John 21:21-23, ESV)

When we complain about our circumstances we are saying, "God, i do not like how You are leading me.  I know better than You."  And this is a dangerous place to be.  Job experienced this first hand, and the book in the Old Testament that chronicles his trials has page upon page of him proclaiming his innocence, and how he would challenge God that what he was going through was unfair.  His friends were not of much comfort either.  Only one of them (Elihu) extolled the virtues and character of God, and as a result, he was the only one not rebuked by God.  God's response?

Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said: Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?  Dress for action like a man; will question you, and you make it known to me. Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?  Tell me, if you have understanding.  Who determined its measurements—surely you know!  Or who stretched the line upon it? (Job 38:1-5, ESV)

God continues to address Job for two chapters before Job is given a chance to respond.  These were his words:

Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you?  I lay my hand on my mouth.  I have spoken once, and I will not answer; twice, but I will proceed no further. (Job 40:4-5, ESV)

But God is still not finished:

Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said: Dress for action like a man; I will question you, and you make it known to me.  Will you even put me in the wrong?  Will you condemn me that you may be in the right?  Have you an arm like God, and can you thunder with a voice like his?  “Adorn yourself with majesty and dignity; clothe yourself with glory and splendor.  Pour out the overflowings of your anger, and look on everyone who is proud and abase him.  Look on everyone who is proud and bring him low and tread down the wicked where they stand.  Hide them all in the dust together; bind their faces in the world below.  Then will I also acknowledge to you that your own right hand can save you. (Job 40:6-14, ESV)

How can one think about even trying to respond, and yet God said so much more to Job when he addressed his concerns.  Since God considered Job a righteous man, and even went so far as to draw Satan's attention to the man, and then allow Satan to do what he did, i do not want to imagine how my dressing down would go.

In the end, if we claim to be followers of Jesus, our complete and utter trust is in Him, and our reward will be to be with Him in Heaven.  He is perfect and just.

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Rambling for rambling sake

I had something (i thought was) profound to say earlier... but i am so tired my mind is all foggy right now.  So instead of trying to fake it, i will just ramble on and hopefully remember what it was before i get to the end of the blog post for today...

I may have blogged about this recently, but the Panthers are just plain awful this year.  The "bend-but-don't-break" philosophy has never been a favorite of mine.  Far too consistently i am seeing/hearing opposing teams having a 3rd and 5+, only for them to convert for a 1st down.  If you get a team to 3rd and long, their conversion rate should be sub .500 at best.  The Special teams does not appear to be winning the contest of field position either.  John Kasay has been doing well, but even he has not been 100% on his field goals.  Not all of the misses are on him, but he is on Special Teams... and well... they are struggling.  The Offense has been the worst of the three teams.  Last week i think the had less than 65 yards passing, and i am pretty sure the running game has yet to go over 100 yards in a game.  At the beginning of the season i was confident that the Panthers would go 7-9, and hopeful for a 9-7 season.  After seeing them go 0-5 into their bye week this week... i think 3-13 might be a stretch.  Don't get me wrong, i am STILL a Panthers fan, and if i had the money and could justify not using it in a more productive way... i would still want to go see them in Charlotte, but this year is a wash and i am on the sidelines with my friends who are Raiders, Lions and Browns fans wondering which team will get the overall #1 pick in the 2011 draft.  (Here's hoping there is a season to play in 2011 though - Owners...Players... i already can't afford to attend the games in person not consistently by the team brand merchandise... and i live in middle America.  Please keep that in mind moving forward.)

With interest rates at crazy historical lows my Beloved and i are looking into refinancing the house.  I just hope i can get all of my ducks in a row AND get an appointment with a mortgage person.  The part i don't like about refinancing is that A) it will extend the final payoff date some, and B) i will find out just how much my home really has "depreciated" since we bought it.  My Beloved and i are of one mind in that God has blessed us with the profit we made on the previous two homes we owned (aka mortgaged), and we are not planning on moving again any time soon... and it is all "paper" money anyway.  In the end it is only worth what the next owner is willing to pay for it.  We shall see.

Have i mentioned a game called MouseHunt before?  No?  Are you sure?  Well, anyway, there is a game on Facebook that is not like the build your own hotel/restaurant/city, etc.  MouseHunt is what is known as a 'passive' game.  That is you assemble a trap, a base and a type of bait.  You then work on various combinations to makeyour trap the most effective it can be.  And strategies change based where in the game you are.  What makes the game 'passive' is that you can "sound the horn" to make a trap check once every fifteen minutes.  but you do not have to interact with the game constantly either.  If you need to walk away you can, and the game will automatically check your trap once an hour, on the hour, but just like in real life... you have to be patient when you hunt.  This past weekend (8-11 October) HitGrab set up a scenario where a toxic spill happened in the Laboratory (one of the hunting locations) where hunters were encouraged to go and gather up the Radioactive Sludge - which is in turn used to craft a specific type of cheese (bait) to attract a specific breed/group of mice.  It is things like that that enhance and prolong my enjoyment of this game.  For some it does not move fast enough, not exciting enough, but for me it is a classic.  You need to vary your strategy, you can "collect" the various breeds of mice, collect the various traps and bases.  There are even different kinds of "journal entries" to be found and enjoyed (IMO) and other "collectibles".  Last weekend i was able to add three more mice to my "collection".  LOL.  I only wish that i didn't have to smash some of my traps in order to make new ones.  Oh well, i will just have to eventually regain the old - now obsolete - trap... you know... just to collect them. 8)

Depression is not always that feeling like you are going to go over the edge.  For me it's the sense of just not being able to do things right.  My mind is always 2 or 3 "steps ahead" and i am unable to fund a "sinning scenario".  It doesn't help that i do not want "to be a bother" to anyone either, so i tend to "suffer in silence"... only i am not sure how much longer i can do that.  Attempts to reach out to a few have not really been all that successful.  I am now reaching thinking about reaching out to a professional of some sort... but then i am worried about money, etc.  Really does feel like a dead end, it is what it is, type of thing.