I've got nothin'

Even before the frequency of my posts began to wane... i had realized that i was struggling with depression... if there are still those around who used to read this blog before, probably already know this.  What i had not realized was... just what a toll it was taking on those around me.  Yes, i was suffering with depression... but i was dragging those around me, down as well.

Right now, my brain is foggy, so... this will not be as coherent a post, as i would like, but i feel compelled to write anyway... like i've said elsewhere... this blog is mostly for myself... but... if it can be used for others... thus, i share it on-line.

I began seeing a new therapist this past April.  My beloved had been begging me to start going again for a while, and my own pride kept telling me that i was fine (again).  Well, this therapist is a magnitude better than my previous one... shortly into our sessions, she recommended that i talk to my doctor about possibly changing up some of my depression and ADD Rx's, which i did.  Wow.  Within just a few days of weening off of the old depression Rx, and onto the new one, i noticed a difference.  It would take two or three weeks to stabilize, but i honestly felt like my eyes had opened for the first time in... well, longer than i could remember.  Unfortunately... i also saw what damage i had wrought in my own marriage as well.  Unfortunately... the "Big D Thelma and Louise car" was at full throttle heading towards that cliff.

I am blessed that my therapist is a Christian, as are the others at the same practice.  I began experiencing panic attacks, and a few other depression symptoms, but, i continued to work with my therapist, and trying to open my eyes more, to learn more, to hit the brakes, but i was no longer in control (as if i ever truly were).

This past summer (2015) has been a roller coaster ride, to say the least.  Then, after an angry outburst by me (not my first in our marriage i am ashamed to say), my beloved had finally had enough, and told me as such.  She asked me to leave the house so that she could have space.  I will not lie... it felt like i was experiencing seppuku... like a long sharp instrument had been rammed up through my stomach into my heart.

For a time, i flailed, and "reached out" to anyone, and everyone, i could think of... well, not everyone, but... a lot of people.  All of them, to a (wo)man, told me that... this is what i had to do.  I had been mentally abusive to my wife, and of i wanted ANY chance of saving my marriage, it would be best.  I really did NOT like that idea... and i attacked it any which way i could.  I even had outbursts at my longtime friends... who were only trying to help me and my beloved, and our marriage.  To put it mildly... this was not 'samurai' at his finest.

Finally, i honestly felt a whisper in my mind... "trust me"... and, in much pain, i did move out.  I remember entering a date into my Facebook messenger, to myself, the day my beloved said that she wanted to talk... it was just moments before my angry outburst that had kicked the final leg out from my weak-sand-construction of a marriage.  Since then, i have deactivated my Facebook account, in honor of recommendations to do so, as i honestly do tend to share too much - without consideration of my beloved's feelings, or desires. I have also deactivated my other social media accounts, which i really didn't use anyway.

A month prior to my angry outburst, i had heard words from my beloved that i thought i would never hear... i will not share them here... but, they cut me to the core.  Now - while she was the one saying these things, and "causing" me pain, it had been years of neglect from me, her husband, the one to whom God had entrusted the hand of His daughter to love, honor, cherish, protect... and this was the culmination of years of failure on my part.  While my beloved has participated in this long spiral... this blog is about me... and i am owning up to my failures, and not to point out hers.

If anyone is still reading this, the outlook seems bleak, does it not?

But, this 'samurai' is in the service of the greatest Lord in all of history.  The Lord Jesus Christ, his Father, and the Holy Spirit.  Within a day of my terrible outburst, i felt a peace re: something my beloved had shared.  Despite a long struggle with paranoia in the regards to the subject... in regards to knowing, and sensing, just how far my beloved had pulled away (again, precipitated by my neglect towards her)... i just had a peace.  Many fellow Christians will know what i am talking about... it is possible that some non-Christians too... but, i do not know for sure.  So, when the "invitation" to "step aside" finally came the next day... while i was, and still am in many way, in severe emotional pain... i was at peace with a really "big rock".  I'd like to say that i had learned my lesson and immediately repented... but, it has been (only) three long weeks since i began staying elsewhere.

Since then, i have continued my therapy... sometimes as much as four times in a week.  What can i say... this 'samurai' is a severely broken piece of work.  I have finally swallowed my pride regarding my Aspergers, my depression, and ADD, and submitted a "request of accommodations" with my employer.  I am fortunate, and extremely blessed, that those whom God has placed around me, already know of my 'quirks', and have already worked with me.  The only reason i did that was... this separation has been extremely taxing on me... talk about being "stretched" by God.

I've started journaling (pen and paper - chicken scratch mostly), actually joined a gym, will be trying Yoga (because i really swallow up my frustrations, and it is taking a toll on my body from within), and had my eyes open to just how much i need to work on.  In the past... this would have overwhelmed me... but, in the past three weeks... i have experienced another peace descend upon me.  One about my marriage.  God has allowed this apex crises to arise, so that it would be addressed, and addressed in full... not in a patch work fashion.

While i still want this to all be fixed now... God has allowed me to see just how "broken" i really am... how "fearfully and wonderfully made" i am... how broken my beloved is (both because of me, but because she is her own person, in her own way as well)... and how He is working through all of this.  Through all of the weeping... the pride... the pain... through a severely damaged marriage... through two broken people... and the friends He has surrounded them with.

I am still staying at a hotel at present, but my beloved and i are talking.  We are both in (separate) counseling.  And while we have a long road ahead of us... the light at the end of the tunnel, does not look like an oncoming freight train.  A word of self caution though... this 'samurai' is still fully capable of screwing it all up... but...

God willing... more to follow.

(I had, and have, a lot of scripture references that came to mind, but, this is not as well thought out, and i've not taken as much time as i would have preferred... but... hopefully, i will be taking more time to be more thorough moving forward.)

A P.P.S. - also came to mind... this past weekend, was the 24th anniversary of the day i met my beloved... not a fun memory to recount while apart from her... but, it was also a day of reflection... i am looking forward to walk through the healing with God, and my beloved (in time)...

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MouseHunt blogging and running Eldar

In the signature of my personal e-mail i have a link to my blog here.  It's to shamelessly plug my blog among my friends... and yet, ironically, i have no consistent readers among the friends i have in real life (vs. just facebook, or whatever).  Well, sometimes my work entails working by phone and it is often hard to get concepts across, especially as i think visually (i.e. in pictures) and then i have to translate them into words... which does not always convey what i am "seeing" very well (especially for a guy flunked English - a LOT).  The other day i had to exchange (quite) a few e-mails via my awesome HTC EVO.  Well, for a variety of reasons my phone is not synchronized to use my work e-mail account so we tread carefully and we used my personal account to banter back  and forth and resolved the issue we were working on.  About an hour later my coworker sent me a text message saying how much he liked the blog - mostly the information links pertaining to Autism in general, and Aspergers in particular.  I am not sure why, but i was embarrassed. Now, this blog gets posted to my Facebook profile and i have at sometime or another told all of my friends about it, so i make it a point to be careful what i post, to not post anything that i would not want to be public knowledge... so why should i be embarrassed by this blog?  I am actually pretty proud of it.

My all time favorite Facebook game, MouseHunt continues to improve itself.  In addition to a recent Baron area (a fairly high level) called the Sandtail Desert Region, the developers of this game have expanded upon the Chess themed area i love so much called the Crystal Library.  Love this new area.  One has to perform "research" in order to accomplish the needed tasks in order to eventually make an entirely new trap for a new adversary. In many ways it is similar to the Dragon Mouse.  You have to fashion a special trap for the one mouse!  However, there is also a brand new trap - that looks like a new Shadow type trap... pretty cool. Still enjoying this game after playing it for 18 months now... and for me... that is saying something.

My writing has been sporadic at best of late.  Just too many other things in life to distract me.  I still enjoy it, and it is a relaxing way to dream (so to speak) and i can start/stop without having to get out a bunch of materials, setting it all up, and then having to tear it all down again and put it away when i am finished.  Even the actually sitting down to type/write is not all that involved.  Recently Gav Thorpe wrote out a pretty detailed process of how he wrote one of his Elf novel trilogies. That really made me realize that i will most likely, barring the sky splitting open to tell me that this is what God wants me to do, never be a published writer.  I am ok with that.   This is just a hobby, one to be enjoyed.  If it becomes a struggle... then it will no longer be a hobby, but work.  In any event, i am not sure how long my Eldar Ranger story line will be shelved, but it may be until the last novel in the Eldar trilogy is released sometime next Summer/Fall.  The 2nd one of the series, Path of the Seer, is due to be out any day now.  Looking forward to this one, but not as much as the last one in the series titled, Path of the Outcast. My recent attempts are still forming, but i will share them on my short story blog when i am ready. 

One thing my depression has done, it affected my desire to take care of myself.  Not in selfish ways (although the semi-intentional self neglect could be classified as selfish), but in ways like watching what and how much i eat, and exercising.  I have always loved running.  For as long as i can remember i have loved it.  From the time my dad "dragged" me, my brother and my step mother out to the park in New York City to go running with him (i don't remember if i complained back then, but my memories of it now are all good), up through High School when i up and joined the Cross Country team (our 1st day of practice - 12 miles "warm up" 8 sets of hills, 8 wind sprints, then a 3 mile "cool down"), through my time in the Guard.  When i am in shape... i love the sensation of running.  I enjoy the "burn", i enjoy the personal challenge, the "mind over matter", i enjoy being alone in thought to pray or dream or just - not.  LOL.  But, i have let myself go over time.  Later on in my military service i stopped running all the time and would only get in shape to pass the APFT.  Well, since retiring in July of '08 i've not done ANY serious running.  As a result i added another 15 pounds to the frame (which was already 30 pounds over weight if you ask the doctors) and i started to develop problems with the knees.  About four months ago i was talked into trying out a pair of "minimalist" shoes for work.  Long story short, my knee ached less and gave me a lot less trouble using the stairs.  In June, i finally got the nerve to try and start running again and began the "Couch to 5k" (c25k) program.  It got off to a rocky start.  I developed discomfort in both knees and my right ankle.  Some of this was due to the "minimalist" style, and part of it is due to my being over weight and inactivity.  Well, i dialed it down some and began to just walk (in running it is almost NEVER a good idea to just run through the pain).  Once i was able to maintain a 4mph walking pace with no linger pain or needing to take a day or more off, i started the jogging back up.  Yesterday was the first day back to jogging and i am pretty psyched.  it's hard to keep the enthusiasm in check so that i don't injure myself and keep on track.  I am down 5 pounds since starting.  Who knows... if this works, and i can sustain it over time... maybe i can get off of the Celexa.  But if not... i am ok with that too.

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Something borrowed - and my own ramblings mixed in

I read this over at a friend's blog and thought it was pretty cool.

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The Mayonnaise Jar and Two Cups of Coffee

When things in your life seem
almost too much to handle,
when 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
remember the mayonnaise jar
and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class
and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly,
he picked up a very large
and empty mayonnaise jar
and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students
if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and
poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open
areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again
if the jar was full..
They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand
and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous
“Yes.”

The professor then produced
two cups of coffee from under the table
And poured the entire contents
into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.
“Now,” said the professor,
as the laughter subsided,
“I want you to recognize that this jar represents
your LIFE”
“The golf balls are the important things -
God, family, children, health,
friends, and favorite passions –
things that if everything else was lost
and only they remained,
your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter
like your job, house, and car.
The sand is everything else –
the small stuff.
If you put the sand into the jar first,”
he continued,
“there is no room for
the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time
and energy on the small stuff,
you will never have room for
the things that are
important to you.
So…

Pay attention to the things
that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.
Play another 18.
There will always be time
to clean the house
and fix the disposal.
Take care of the golf balls first –
the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand
and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled.
“I’m glad you asked”.
“It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may
seem, there’s always room for
a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”

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I apologize for the infrequency of writing of late.  Life feels like it has been crazy since i started my anti-depressant meds.  Don't get me wrong, they are working wonders for me.  It's just that my writing endeavors have been focused elsewhere of late.  I write/read e-mails all day.  I write ticket notes.  I write problem summaries.  I even get a chance to write some more of my stories from time to time.  Then, when it comes time to blog... i feel like i am completely unsure of what to write about.  I have been doing the jot notes and save them deal... but i have not been coming back to flesh out the notes as often.  I am going to be trying to post at least one blog entry a week going forward.  Give myself a goal to shoot for.  8)  Anyway, for now... more rambling...

I had drifted away from collecting Pieces of Flair over on facebook, but i need to expand my MouseHunt flair some, and i created a few more pieces myself.  Besides, i really like using the images for spicing up my blog entries. ;-) So, time to spend some of my Flair credits.... 8)

Recently a really good morning radio show went off the air.  I really liked this trio, but alas the main guy took a job out in Northern California.  Fortunately one can catch things on the Internet.  LOL  It was the Mornings with Brant radio show.  I am especially going to miss their Monday Morning song, "I Saw the Light" as performed by The David Crowder Band:

It always brought a smile to my face.  I am not a fan of change, but i know that if there is one thing in certain in life, it's change.

Sometime ago, i had received an invitation - and please pardon me for not researching back through my blog to dig it up - to join a group that had strong disagreements with Sovereign Grace Ministries and its leaders.  With some trepidation i explored their site, and while i had a very hard time imagining the grievances i found there, i was also willing to admit that there are no perfect churches and it might be possible.  However, since i did not experience the situations first hand, nor did i know the people presenting them, i decided that i would not be joining them as SGM has richly blessed me, and as a result many others who i interact with - even on a daily basis.  So, with my continued support of SGM it grieved me to learn that C.J. Mahaney would be taking a leave of absence from his position as head of SGM.  This was due to several serious "charges" being made against him - you can read it more thoroughly on his blog: CJ's View from the Cheap Seats.  While i am disappointed, and grieved about these events (mostly due to my own pride) i am also encouraged by the steps being taken.  CJ is not without sin here, as is plain to read in his own words (as even more elaborately stated in his comments to his home church), and this has been occurring over a decade long period.  To read about his reconciliation with Larry Tomczak is especially heartening.  I do not know how it will all play out, but i do know that if more leaders would take the steps CJ has finally realized he needed to, the church of Christ would be a whole lot stronger today.

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Overdue Ramblings

Wow, i cannot remember the last time i blogged... and i am too lazy to go back and find out while typing this one up so... i am just going to go with it.  This one may be long in the tooth as i have several notes i dropped into an unpublished blog entry - which is not being converted into one i am going to (actually) publish.  So let us begin, shall we.

Some time back i mentioned that i was going to do a "Dragon Hunt" in my favorite Facebook game, MouseHunt.  Wow, it was a miserable failure!  LOL - i had 50 pieces of bait, i attracted the beast 14 times, and caught it exactly 0 (zero) times!  That's right, none, nil, nada, zilch, diddly squat!  LOL  God is an awesome God.  He has a perfect way to ensure i do not get so full of myself that i lose sight of more important things.  Even when i jest, whenever i boast or talk smack, i get my tucas handed to me.  In this case i was 'boasting' how i was going to do so well with a fellow MouseHunter that is much more experienced than i. This has been true since... well, High School.  RAM, who i play a lot of games with over the years.  We are pretty evenly matched strategically, etc.  When i just "mind the house" and just take care of business i do pretty well, but practically every time in my almost 30 years of knowing him that i boasted and/or talked smack... he thrashes me in the event.  LOL  Maybe it's a mental block on my end... but i honestly believe it is God's grace that allows it.  And this is a good thing.  If i think about it... i will expound on how my praying for patience is working out in my life.  8)

Well, since then i have dove into the Seasonal Garden and Zugzwang's Tower.  While i enjoy the seasonal theme, i get impatient.  Because i am not willing to just throw expensive Super Brie at attracting the mice (it costs real money, or 4,000+ gold per piece) i tend to get a lot of "failure to attract" (or FTA) results.  This causing the power meter to dribble down 3% each time, while most of the mice you do catch only raise the bar 1% or so.  So it takes me a long time to get the amplifier fully boosted to 150%.  But once that is completed i am able to hit the tower.  I like the overall chess theme and the strategy involved.  What trap to use and when.  What bait and/or base to use and when.  Time is not on your side here.  Each mouse you catch the power bar you worked so hard to charge up out in the garden, drops it a percentage based on the point value of the piece (for example, Pawns drop the meter 1% while Queens drop it 9%).  You also have to catch the pieces in ascending order.  That is, you have to catch 8 pawns before the knights become available, two knights before the Bishops, etc.  However, once you have caught the 8 pawns does not mean they scamper away and hide.  No!  So you can continue to catch mice that you no longer need, all the while trying to catch the ones you do... but your power meter continue to drop with each catch (FTA).  I have made four trips to the tower so far, while my first two trips were decent, catching the King while still having 70+%.  My last trip it was in the 50's before i finally caught the King, but one one trip i stubbornly stayed until the power meter was in the 20's.  The points are great, but not as much gold to be made.  Still, this is my favorite area so far.

A week or so ago i heard about how a current trend is for churches to have some kind of door prize or raffle to draw people in the doors around Easter time.  I can see the arguments about wanting to get people in the door that normally don't attend church, especially around Easter.  Overall i do not agree with the practice.  I feel that it sends the wrong message overall.  I am not saying that God does not use it, or that He won't or wouldn't use it - because God can use anything of course.  In the end, i pray that God does use it.  The most important thing is the sharing of the Gospel, and that it takes root.

I have finally caved.  I took DD3 to Pet Smart and bought her a new fish tank and some fish.  I am just not willing to cave and get a dog, or even a cat.  My beloved and DS1 are highly allergic to cats, and dogs need to be walked and cleaned up after.  No amount of promises that "i will clean up, i will feed" were going to sway me because i know who in the end would be doing such tasks.  I like fish, even with the containment of mess, etc. not taken into account.  There is something pretty peaceful and fun to just sit and stare at them.

While i was watching a show on cable the other day i saw a commercial for "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles"... WHAT?!?  AWESOME!  LOL  I already own the series on DVD, however, i plan on watching it on the Sci-Fi channel just to encourage it in syndication.  8)  I feel Fox really did not do right by this series, and i am pretty sure that it will not make a comeback.  This show is just one of many that i liked that did not enjoy a long run.  Space: Above and Beyond and Max Headroom immediately came to mind.

So, 12-Apr was the 150th anniversary of the start of hostilities between the North and the South of the United States of America.  I believe it is called a "sesquicentennial"... boy that is a mouth full.  Lately DS2 has been showing an interest in seeing a reenactment.  It's not the soldiers he is most interested in, but the muskets for some reason.  He has been wanting me to take him to one for almost a year now, so... i am going to be more actively engaged in trying to find one close to home.  It really shouldn't be as hard as i am making it living this close to the Mason-Dixon line and all.  Oh, and if you can... i HIGHLY recommend Ken Burns' "The Civil War" special that first aired on PBS.  An excellent work in my opinion.

Ok, i am finally going to wrap this up.  One thing that has 'hindered' my blogging has been a tare i have been having writing my short stories.  All told i am pretty sure i've put down over 10k words.  All three of my story lines have moved some.  One has not been "published" (i.e. posted to my short stories blog site, not ink and paper), but the other two have moved along nicely.  i have even taken some decent notes on where to go with all three at this point, so in a way... even if it means my blogging "suffers" (and judging from the number of readers... it will not be missed too terribly) so i can get more writing done.

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One morning last week i got into a discussion with a friend of mine about how i feel that i need to learn to be more aggressive in some ways.  It was then inferred that i did not know what that meant, being the clueless git that i am.  I still don't know what they meant though, so i thought i'd look it up and try and figure it out.

ag·gres·sive
[uh-gres-iv] -adjective
1. characterized by or tending toward unprovoked offensives, attacks, invasions, or like; militantly forward or menacing: aggressive acts against a neighboring country.
2. making an all-out effort to win or succeed; competitive: an aggressive basketball player.
3. vigorously energetic, especially in the use of initiative and forcefulness: an aggressive salesperson.
4.boldly assertive and forward; pushy: an aggressive driver.
5.emphasizing maximum growth and capital gains over quality, security, and income: an aggressive mutual fund.
6.Medicine/Medical .
      a.(of a disease or tumor) spreading rapidly or highly invasive; difficult or impossible to treat successfully.
      b.pertaining to a risky surgery or treatment, or to a medication that has grave side effects: aggressive chemotherapy.

Origin:
ag·gress
[uh-gres] -verb
1.to commit the first act of hostility or offense; attack first.
2.to begin to quarrel.

To be honest... in the context i had intended... most of those definitions were not what i was going for.  I wanted to say that i wanted to be the initiator, the first to begin as opposed to my furtive attempts before.  Always waiting to make sure i was not offending in some way.  I am not looking to quarrel i am just trying to lead in some ways. I guess if i were to apply one of these definitions it would be from #3 above.  Although... after this little exercise... i am still not sure.  LOL 

Things at work have been a little 'stormy' of late.  Just busy and chaotic.  Last week i was approached about the possibility of some kind of trip out to the mid-west.  I was both excited and nervous.  Excited because, well, i don't do a lot of business trips.  Nervous because i would be going into someone else's "house" to sniff around.  It's a long story, and one i would not like to air out here in public.  For my take on things, i would not be going to exert any kind of pressure.  I would only be there to get a better idea of how things are working there, look under the hood so to speak, and see what we could do to interact together more efficiently.  Today it looks as if the long reconnaissance patrol has been canceled. Basically i am standing by to stand by.

For some time now PUMPKIN (DD3) has been wanting a puppy REALLY bad.  Before i say anything else, i love dogs.  I like the comradery , the unconditional acceptance, and the incredible faithfulness of the canine species in general.  But in the end, i am not ready to have a dog in our home.  Dogs require a lot of care.  I do not want to get a dog and then neglect it in some fashion.  Of course she says she would take care of it, etc., but i know the truth.  Next winter when it is snowing i am going to be the one out there walking the dog and cleaning up the yard.  Then, there are the medical bills, etc. that eventually arise.  Due to allergies etc. a cat is out of the question too.  Note: unlike some dog lovers i am not opposed to cats.  I like cats for their independence and how they can (generally) clean up behind themselves.  They can also get in trouble and create messes too, but again... i am leery of the additional expense of having a cat.  Animals deserve, and require, care and one should not assume the responsibility of ownership of a pet unless you are prepared to care adequately for them.  As a compromise i went out and bought a starter ten gallon fish tank. We have it set up in her room to allow the water to balance out and we will be going to get the fish later this week.  I had never heard that the ratio for fish is generally 1" of fish per gallon of water capacity of the tank.  I am still pretty sure i will be the one who ends up taking care of the thing, but at least the fish won't smell up the house or tear up the yard.

I deferred my Dragon hunt in MouseHunt due to a special event where the amount of scrap metal dropped by the various mice was doubled.  "Farming" for scrap metal in MouseHunt is a test of endurance and patience.  I recently constructed a powerful base, but it took 200 pieces of scrap to make it.  I am pretty sure the cumulative time it took me to gather it all up was literally a month or so. Now, i am not sure what else i might need it for, or if there is something coming up that will needed it, but one cannot ignore such events on just the off chance it will come in handy.  Anyway... i have begun my Dragon hunt in earnest as of Monday.  If i catch two Dragons will be happy... if one of the two should happen to drop the blueprints for a very powerful Hydro trap... i will be ecstatic. Once this brief run (50 pieces of cheese maximum) is completed, i am finally beginning my run through the Seasonal Gardens and Zugzwang's Tower.  I have so been looking forward to this region because i LOVE chess... even though i am not very good at it.  In preparation i have already purchased and crafted the traps i am able to use at this level.  If i can get the Heat Bath blueprints from the Dragons i will be even more prepared.  Unfortunately i had to smash my one Chess themed trap that i did have to craft the even more powerful one... but i will save up to replace it.  I am going to shamelessly post each chess piece i catch on my facebook profile.  I apologize to my friends in advance for, perhaps, unwanted game advertisements.

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Who do i think i am, Dirk the Daring?

Ok, this might be dating myself some... but i actually remember sinking quarter after quarter after quarter into a stand up version of Dragon's Lair.  I loved that game, even if it was a timing and pattern game.  The sad thing is... i never beat the machine.  I just couldn't get the quarters fast enough, or myself to the Putt Putt golf often enough.  Well... to be fair... Cyberball also came along and distracted me some, but i digress.  I am sure most readers who come across this blog are familiar with Facebook and the innumerable number of distractions (i.e. games) that are available through that social network.  My preferred particular pill of addiction is MouseHunt.  Even though i do not just add 'friends' willy nilly there, i do have a handful of MouseHunt 'only' friends (well, not entirely true, two are fellow parents of ASD children - so we have that in common), and through one such friend i learned of an unofficial Dragon hunt coming up in two weeks.  Basically, a guys (or Doms - as in Dominators) versus Gals (Divas) competition to catch a fairly difficult mouse - the Dragon Mouse (duh!).  What makes it hard is that it is in a remote region of the map that requires time and patience to reach, then it takes time and patience to gather up the supplies to obtain the ingredients to craft the the special cheeses that help you catch mice that drop the ingredients for the next mouse, which drops things needed for the next group of mice who in turn... you guessed it drops loot/ingredients for the group of mice that include the elusive Dragon Mouse.  And then, this fellow is not a sure catch.  While i am not certain what the exact ratio of hunts to misses to actual catches (some hunts will gather the other mice and not your intended target).  I know this may sound odd... but this is exactly what draws me to this game.  It is not possible to just go there and do this or that.  Anyway, even though i do not yet qualify to join the Dragon Dominators (i have not captured enough of the beasts yet) i have decided to go ahead and do the hunt on my own just for fun.  Who knows... maybe i can get lucky and get the blueprints for yet another trap!  One distraction will be the game's 3rd birthday celebration.  But, i will keep my eye on the prize... to catch me some Dragon Mice, and prepare my assault on Zugzwang's Tower.

Speaking of dragons... I have been itching to reread The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings trilogy.  Reading is, for me, is immersion in imagination.  My mind is completely absorbed by what i am reading.  I think it's tied into the male's ability to completely blank out the mind.  I still remember reading about Bilbo and the Dwarves on their adventures. Then the hand off to Frodo and the Fellowship of the Ring.  I think it is why i often need to "rewash" my mind with the Bible from time to time.  To keep the gospel colored lenses in place and properly filtering what i "see".  The actual reason for this blip of topic is that i saw that the theatrical versions of the Lord of the Rings (which are NOT complete adaptations of the book... if they were they would have easily been 20+ hours long) on Blu Ray.  I'm telling you, after seeing the dingy gray of The Book of Eli on Blu Ray i am in geeky hi-def heaven (lower case H).  However, i am NOT going to be getting the theatrical versions of those movies.  The extended versions are just SO much better in my opinion.

So the NFL and NFLPA have extended the deadline for the collective bargaining agreement.  I am glad, but i am also losing interest in who gets what.  I just want to see the Panthers play in 2011.  I would like to see if Coach Rivera can string back to back winning seasons.  Not another run at the NFC South or even the NFC championships would be nice... but for me... i would like to see consistent winning in back to back seasons.  That would make me happy... even if it was 9-7 and 9-7 with no playoffs in either season.

I have finally posted another chapter for my short story series.  This one is about 750 words, and is not even a portion of the  6,800+ word thread i had mentioned not too long ago.  For some reason that is a double edged sword for me... both discouraging (because i have not posted the new thread yet), and encouraging because i finally posted something after an almost 8 month undesired hiatus.  Even though the two story lines intertwine... i am feeling compelled to leave the second thread on the side line for some reason.  Maybe for me to understand the background and use it to write the other thread?  In any event, it feels good to be writing and posting stories once more.  I even have an idea of how to progress a pair of older characters...

Well, this was supposed to post Tuesday evening, but it didn't so i am going to ramble on for a little while longer.

Had an odd argument this morning over the term "Hooah", you know the motivated response to most questions in the military.  This gentlemen insisted that it derives from acronym HUA, which means Heard, Understood, and Acknowledged.  While that is a possibility, there is evidence that the term may have originated as far back as the American Civil War.  I found a pretty decent response to the question at About.com.  All in all, no one can agree where it originated, but it is something unique to the American military (apparently).  The discussion reminded me of the time i talked with DS1 about my opinion on "Year 0" - or in how the 21st century did not begin until the year 2001, and not the year 2000.  Basically i feel that there are way too many people out there who know what they know because they know it and they are not interested in dissenting opinions or sources of information.  I lump myself into that category from time to time as well.  it not just "those people" who have that issue... i struggle with it too.

A major disrespect of our aging veterans has been taking place in my opinion.  Recently the last American veteran of WWI past away (Frank Buckles), and Congress and the House of Representatives have failed to pay proper respects for this man and those who he fought alongside.  We have memorials for WWII, Korea and Vietnam.  I am not saying that this man by himself deserves any special recognition, but it is the passing of a generation of veterans who served and sacrificed for this nation as well as for our friends and allies in Europe.  Both France and England paid honor to the passing of their last veteran of the "Great War", and France is even sending a high ranking delegation to attend whatever we see fit to pay tribute.  If this is how we treat those who volunteer and sacrifice... i fear for our future.  Unless hard work and sacrifice are honored and rewarded, we will continue to drift into mediocrity.  Our time as a world leader is waning... and perhaps... that is for the best.

A quick note about my current struggles with depression before i wrap up for this week.  I have been on Celexa for a little over three weeks.  I noticed almost an immediate improvement of my demeanor.  I am very happy with the results... but also nervous.  On three occasions i failed to remember to take the Rx first thing in the morning (i moved it to the AM to help me sleep better a night, a known side affect). and i noticed pretty quickly a difference.  I sure hope this becomes an ingrained habit soon.

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Music Monday - 20110207

When i took LONG SHANKS to the Youth group meeting at church last week i had gone with the intention of adding to my on-going story line.  I shouldn't have gotten on-line if i had honestly wanted to get any writing done, but i did.  In the long run i am glad that i did, but i didn't get any writing done.

I came upon a slide show presented by Together for the Gospel on Facebook. The song moved me deeply and though i needed to use it for my weekly (well, it supposed to be weekly) Music Monday post.   You see, i feel we humans really do see our own contribution to the Savior's suffering and death far too superficially.  I am not saying we remain there, merely that we take an honest look at exactly what our rebellion meant to the very One who created us, who breathed life into us.  For me, when i do this... i feel the joy and immense freedom His supreme sacrifice on behalf conveys.

O Great God

Sovereign Grace Music

Album:  Valley of Vision - August 2006

Verse 1

O great God of highest heaven

Occupy my lowly heart

Own it all and reign supreme

Conquer every rebel power

Let no vice or sin remain

That resists Your holy war

You have loved and purchased me

Make me Yours forevermore

Verse 2

I was blinded by my sin

Had no ears to hear Your voice

Did not know Your love within

Had no taste for heaven’s joys

Then Your Spirit gave me life

Opened up Your Word to me

Through the gospel of Your Son

Gave me endless hope and peace

Verse 3

Help me now to live a life

That’s dependent on Your grace

Keep my heart and guard my soul

From the evils that I face

You are worthy to be praised

With my every thought and deed

O great God of highest heaven

Glorify Your Name through me

Songwriters: Mark Altrogge, Stephen Altrogge, Peter Gagnon, Bob Kauflin, Doug Plank, and Pat Sczebel

This week i would like to include a poem by John Piper.

Doubly Relieved

My patient Comforter, my God,
     My Life, my Breath, my holy Zeal,
My soul is doubly sorrowful:
     That I still sin against your Seal,
And sinning cause my Sovereign grief.
     I know it is your holy way
To make your grief serve perfect joy,
      But I still pray, O bring the day
When, in the twinkling of an eye,
     My soul will doubly be relieved:
I will not ever sin again,
     And you will nevermore be grieved.
by John Piper

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Warm ramblings of a festive kind

What a year... i still have a few blog posts in me before i flip the calendar, but... it has been a long crazy year for me.  Someone... other than me, because i will either forget to do it, or lose the piece of paper, write down where you are, what you are doing, and where you think the year will go... then, around Christmas time... pull it back and and see how much is the same and how close you are.  Speaking of which, i knew the Panthers weren't going to go to the playoffs next season, i knew that Julius Peppers would be gone, but i never dreamed i would be rooting for them to LOSE their next two games!  I never thought they would be 2-12 at this point.  Denver and Cincinnati are still their closest contenders for the #1 overall draft pick in April, but the Steelers (who the Panthers play on Thursday night) need to lock up their division, and they are probably still smarting from their loss last weekend... so that will mean the Panthers will get to pay.  Now, New Orleans is still pretty close to snatching the Division from the Atlanta Falcons so the Monday night game on the 29th should be pretty good.  I have to say that i am rooting for the Saints in this one because if the Falcons lose on Monday night, they will play HARD in the final game on the 2nd and take it out on the Panthers... again.  Now, no one knows what the future holds in regards to the NFL or next years draft... but... i am catching Luck fever (Andrew Luck out of Stanford)...  this season is shot... but i can dream of a brighter season next year.  GO PANTHERS!  At least my teams in Blood Bowl continue to win... usually.

Speaking of Christmas time... some people prefer the more politically correct term, Winter Festival.  Well, over at MouseHunt on Facebook, they are having a pretty extensive Winter Festival event.  It has been a blast.  A lot of new event mice (two of which are pictured here), as well as new treasures that can be used to collect and/or obtain a new trap.  The developers of this game have made it a very enjoyable game to play over time, and i am looking forward to continue my march towards Zugzwang's Tower.  One of my favorite things in this years "Festival event" has been the Scrooge Mouse and his three companions... the Mice of Winter Past, Present and Future.  A Christmas Carol - the one with Patrick Stewart - is my all time favorite Christmas movie.

I have no idea on how to bridge from A Christmas Carol to the movie TRON: Legacy, but here i go anyway.  This past week Disney released a long anticipated sequel from their (depending on who you listen to) flop of 1982 titled, you guessed it - TRON.  However, that rough first edition into a world within a computer has spawned a very loyal following.  One of them being me.  I was careful to reign in my anticipation while watching and reading news tidbits leading up to last Friday.  When i finally had the opportunity to get to the theater and see it this past Sunday i did indeed love it.  The story line was somewhat predictable and the acting was not great, but it was better than a lot of science fiction movies have been in the past.  What i loved the most was the concept, and the visuals of the movie over all.  I enjoyed the 3d as it was not over the top, but was present in most shots.  It also didn't go out of the way to throw things "at" the audience.  I would really like to go and see it in the theater at least once more, and really want it when it comes out on Blu-Ray next year.  8)  Movies like TRON and The Matrix just really fascinate me.  One thing i was not over all pleased with with the overt Buddhist references.  But that is the Christian part of me.  I am a big proponent of "balance in all things", but only when it comes to life in general.  In regards to good and evil, there is no doubt - good must (and will) win out over all.  Christ is first and foremost, while i work hard to balance my life, when it comes to the things of God and His Son... there can be but one "balance"... Christ full on, no room for anything else.  "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." (John 1:5 ESV)  One thing this movie did get me to thing about was preconceived notions.  Most of the reviews that gave the movie a less than stellar review seem to stem from the movie not living up to the hype.  It seems that the more eagerly hyped the movie, the more it fails to live up to the expectations.  There are few critics out there that i really trust to give an actual unbiased review.  For many years i have worked hard to get myself to think in a completely neutral way - to set aside any bias i might have.  I am not perfect in this, but i do feel it helps me see things more clearly.  It helps me step away from something, look at it from various angles, and appreciate something for what it is.  It also helps me better evaluate something through "God lenses"... not that i am God because i am NOT, but for me to put on what God has revealed to me so far in my life, and then size up whatever i am looking at by what He has revealed to me.  For example, i can appreciate the graphics and enjoy the story line better because i have not prejudged what it should be, and then also ensure i am not being led astray down a path that may lead away from God and what He has for me.

As i am spinning back up to begin writing some short stories again, and along the lines of thinking about sin, etc. i was reminded of one of the things that draws me to the Eldar within Games Workshops universe.  It is a theme that actually runs through each of the genres (fantasy/science fiction).  The Elves within the GW genres have essentially taken a logical path for a race that lives for thousands of years.  The Elves allowed themselves to explore each of the various aspects of life to extremes.  Meditation, art, love, etc., are all explored in minutia.   The depths of depravity within the human heart are incredible, now imagine a sentient race that lives ten to twenty times as long (at least) as that of a human being.  The explorations of the things of depravity have led to schisms within the race, led to civil wars, etc.  So, while elves are generally viewed as being graceful and generally good if not indifferent, they are also capable of exploring the depths of depravity... which i do not even want to think about how far down that road one could go... i am pretty sure this is why our sin has effected death and limited the number of our days in the real world.  While i admire the mythical stories and history of pretty much all things elvish, this is one area that truly brings a revulsion.  Not because it is in the background material, but because i can see that in my own heart. I am somewhat appreciative of the lengths that those who have not fallen into darkness to pursue the evil veins of exploration.  It is interesting to me on how they steel themselves and use a firm mentor/student type of relationship within their society to help keep such passions in check.  Here, on Earth (in real life), we have the Holy Spirit to help guide and mentor us. This Christmas i am grateful for a God that took the time to reach out to me.  A God who wants to mentor me, who wants to help me avoid pursuing paths of evil and debauchery, a God who wants to bring me unto Himself and present me with the very best of life.  A life spent with Him for all eternity.

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