Music Monday - 20080428

Well my beloved got home from Chicago early Saturday morning. It was supposed to be at 6:42PM on Friday, but a chain of events that sitcom writers would have a field day with kept pushing it back. We both climbed into bed at 5:30AM on Saturday morning. On Friday I managed to get a case of heat exhaustion. Probably a minor case, but it wore me out. I did this to myself as it took me four hours to mow my lawn! And I don't have a very big lawn, but with every pass I had to empty the bag of my walk-behind mower. Then I had the bright idea of trying to plant the tree I bought for my beloved - a weeping cherry tree (see the pic above/right of what what such a tree looks like, just not ours yet - LOL). I managed to get the layer of sod off and relocated before I realized the folly of that, took a shower, and collapsed for a brief (15 min) nap before the demands of the house took over again.

Oh, and one last note before I move on to my regularly scheduled Music Monday post. I have a new (second) favorite NFL football team! The Detroit Lions! Why? For drafting Caleb Campbell out of West Point. I know the guys is a 7th rounder, but I am pulling for him. Not for the same reason many might (to "save" him from going to Iraq or Afghanistan), but because he is Army and he is getting an opportunity to play in the NFL.

Ok, on to my regular post. I had a hard time picking out a song for today. It is not really an upbeat melody, and the band tried to play towards a Hard Rock Christian tempo, but seeing how the sins played out I am not sure I would label this a Christian Band, but I believe that is their goal. Since the split up of this group, the core of them went on to form a band called Alter Bridge. I don't know if 'eclectic' is an accurate term, but I really do enjoy a wide range of music. What I listen to has a lot to do with what I am feeling at the time.

One Last Breath
by Creed

Please come now I think I’m falling
I’m holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I’m trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

[Chorus]
Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
Maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down

I’m looking down now that it’s over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

[Chorus x2]

I'm so far down

Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there’s something left for me
So please come stay with me
‘Cause I still believe there’s something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking

[Chorus x2]

Please come now I think I’m falling
I’m holding on to all I think is safe

There are times when the ache of Heaven is more acute than others. I am not talking about taking a proactive course of action. I am saying that I am grateful that today is one day closer to that day.
Verse for today:
Psalm 37 : 3-7, ESV
Trust in the Lord, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. [2]
Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him, and he will act.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
over the man who carries out evil devices!

Single parents are heros!

My beloved has been gone only three days and I already miss her terribly. I miss her when our separation is my fault (annual training, etc.), but it feels more so now. I was fairly bummed about her working evenings, but I am really unhappy now that I've not seen her at all.

I have been keeping the heads of our three children above water, as well as my own, but the little things are starting to catch up with me. LOL Things like dishes, and dirty clothes. Now, I help with these chores when she's home, but now that she's not I have to get it all done. Things like helping with homework (ever try and help an Aspie with his homework! It took me almost two hours the other night, and that was just two worksheets!), getting dinner on the table (can you say McDonald's! I knew you could), make sure showers are done, etc., etc., etc. And this has only been three days.

Tomorrow is a teacher's planning day so I am planning on getting the laundry caught up, the lawn mowed, and the carpets vacuumed. :) I know, don't be jealous.
Verse for today:
Proverbs 31 : 10-31, ESV
An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
She dresses herself [5] with strength
and makes her arms strong.
She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet. [6]
She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.

I spaced out yesterday

Totally ;)

Anyway... between trying to adjust to playing a single parent this week, getting back into the routine at work, and trying to crunch out a short story for an upcoming rules article for Necromunda, I completely missed the opportunity to blog yesterday. But that's ok because I have kind of been in a funk lately.

I kind of go through cycles, almost monthly (no smart alack remarks ;-) ). I don't do well with change, and life is full of things that change. My beloved is out of town for a few days at a conference that is addressing special needs within children's ministry this week. I submitted my letter to finally make my retirement from the National Guard official. And the ever changing nature of IT in the work environment. None of these things really help me feel 'safe' or 'peaceful'. Don't get me wrong, I firmly believe in the providential hand of God. I know that He is in perfect control of all. It's just that my mind (aka my flesh) does not respond well to change. Like I have to process it all before I can get back to 'level'. I don't even necessarily need to understand it all. I just have to be able to somehow process it.

Funny story - back when I was commuting almost 90 minutes each way to work I would call my beloved just before I would walk out the door to head home (before we had cell phones) and go over what we were doing that night. By the time I would get home my beloved would make changes and it would throw me through a loop. Unfortunately this has led her to believe that I can't handle change at all (and maybe she's right). I know she's nervous that the kids are going to end up in school without their shoes on, or I will leave the house wide open so strangers can "help themselves". And none of this helps my own "self esteem".

I enjoy writing, and I enjoy my job, but I still feel like a failure at both. At work I struggle to keep up with the constant changes, and not just to the technology. When I went to college I took the placement exams and scored high enough to be invited to join the 'honors society', but I still placed low enough that I had to take English 010 (no, that is not a mis-type). Not only did I have to take the pre-college English course, but I had to take it four times before I passed it! (I currently do not have a degree of any kind.)

So, during these "low cycles" it is hard to keep up. All I can see is all of the tasks around the house not getting done, all of the opportunities missed with the kids, the mistakes I make with my beloved. I ache for heaven, especially during these times. I know that I do a lot of things well. I am able to support my family on my single income (a miracle in today's economic situation), I have been picked above my peers to fill in for the First Sergeant at my unit while he has been away (this has been a reoccurring thing through out my military career), I have been blessed with a mind that can grasp things like IP routing and filtering, I have been blessed with children whom I am often given compliments for, and I have a woman in my life who really does look past my faults and loves me deeply.

But it is hard to look to the horizon, when all you can see are hillsides. I guess that is why I take such deep pleasure in Psalm 23, and the book of Job. My Savior is not hemmed in by my doubts or failures. His staff does comfort me. He does light my paths. He does lead me by still waters and anoints my head with oil. The same God who tells the ocean that it may go only so far, and places the stars at just the right place, is the one who reaches down and speaks to my mind and my heart. He holds me and gives me comfort. Even when I am trying to process change.
Verse for today:
Isaiah 12, ESV
You [1] will say in that day:
“I will give thanks to you, O Lord,
for though you were angry with me,
your anger turned away,
that you might comfort me.

“Behold, God is my salvation;
I will trust, and will not be afraid;
for the Lord God [2] is my strength and my song,
and he has become my salvation.”

With joy you [3] will draw water from the wells of salvation. And you will say in that day:

“Give thanks to the Lord,
call upon his name,
make known his deeds among the peoples,
proclaim that his name is exalted.

“Sing praises to the Lord, for he has done gloriously;
let this be made known [4] in all the earth.
Shout, and sing for joy, O inhabitant of Zion,
for great in your [5] midst is the Holy One of Israel.”

Musical Monday

Welcome to an earlier-than-usual-edition of Musical Monday. This weekend was my drill weekend and getting up at, or before, the crack of dawn makes it hard for me to readjust back to normal routine. So, I let my beloved turn off her alarm clock and got up and help DS1 out the door for school. Thus the reason I am up and posting this earlier than usual.

God has been using the song I am choosing for today, in my life lately. I go through cycles where it really feels like I am not doing anything right. And truth be told, if you look at the world as a series of absolutes, black and white if you will, like I tend to do you will see that those 'feelings' have merit. In my personal life I really like to do things right. I want people to like me, I want the things I do to have the maximum affect and always be spot on. When I am put in charge of things/soldiers I want things to run smoothly and by the book. For the most part God has really helped me to allow grace, to allow for the fact that things will no always go right, things will not go by the book. But when it comes to sin, God is black and white. "If you lust in your heart you are committing adultery." "If you call your brother a fool (even in your own mind), you are guilty of murder." (Both quotes are paraphrased, the exact wordings can be found in Matthew 5:28 and 5:22 respectively.) And I have many sins, and one that pains me every time, and yet I enter into it with eyes wide open, I repeat my 'mistake' over and over again. I question if this will be the time God's grace will be pulled from me. I pray for His forgiveness, His strength to change, His grace and mercy to continue, I pray that God would just reach down and touch my heart and mind and that I would be dramatically changed. But so far all I hear is (and this is powerful), "My grace is sufficient for you," 2 Corinthians 12:9. Anyway, both on the way to srill, and then again on the way home the song "East to West" by Casting Crowns was playing on the radio.

East to West
by Casting Crowns

Here I am Lord and I’m drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight
I know you’ve cast my sin as far as the East is from the West
And I stand before You now as though I’ve never sinned
But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Chorus:
Jesus can you show me just how far the east is from the west
‘Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
‘Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in
Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
from You leaving me this way

I know You’ve washed me white
Turn my darkness into life
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can’t live by what I feel
About the truth Your word reveals
I’m not holding on to You
But You’re holding on to me
You’re holding on to me

Jesus You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been
rising up in me again
In your arms of Your mercy I find rest
cause You know how far the east is from the west
from one scarred hand to the other

I so long for the day when I no longer struggle with sin. I want to be face to face with my Savior and no longer pain Him with my sin.

I hope and pray you all have a wonderful day in the Lord. May His rich and abundant mercies and blessings pour out overflowing in each of your lives.
Verse for today:
2 Corinthians 12 : 8-10, ESV
Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

* I am no Paul, and I am not comparing myself to him. But God is using these passages in my life of late

My best friend since High School

Set the "way-back" machine to the end of my sophomore year in High School. I was even more geeky back then, if you can imagine that. My two other friends at the time had a different 'final exam' schedule than I did so I was sitting by myself in the cafeteria. Back then we took our exams for the entire week, well for four days. One in the morning, and one in the afternoon, with a pretty sizable lunch break in the middle. On the Tuesday (I think I am remembering this right) lunch break this kid comes up to me and asks if I'd like to come over his place and swim in between exams. I don't know if it was because he was lonely, or because I was alone, but I appreciated the gesture as any selfish high schooler that would love to have a friend with a pool to spend the summer with could be.

He had a nice place, and he had MTV (back in the early 80's that was a BIG deal). We kind of hit it off right off the bat. I found out a little bit latter that, by the time we met, he had already had three open heart surgeries to deal with a defective valve in his heart (since then they have replaced it once more). We've done a lot of things together since then. We hung out past high school. He was the first place I went after I enlisted in the National Guard. We both met our wives at the same college (his wife actually was instrumental in leading my wife to the Lord). I was seated next to him in church the day he gave his heart to the Lord.

In many ways he is a personal hero of mine. He has fought through a lot, and he continues to fight today. He likes NASCAR, and the Minnesota Vikings. He does NOT like to go bowling, but he will bend over backwards to help a guy out. For some reason one thing I had not known about him until last year was that, his favorite comic book hero growing up was Iron Man. It had to do with the fact that Tony Stark, the man behind the suit, had heart problems just like him. Well, two weeks from tonight is opening night for the Iron Man movie. We are going to get a bunch of friends together, eat at a steak place, and watch the movie. I've sort of kept up with the hype leading up to this movie, and I have no idea how the critics or the general population will react to it, but I think I am going to like it a lot.

If you like superhero movies, I highly encourage you to go see this one. :)
Verse for today:
Psalm 86 : 1-7, ESV
Incline your ear, O Lord, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.
Preserve my life, for I am godly;
save your servant, who trusts in you—you are my God.
Be gracious to me, O Lord,
for to you do I cry all the day.
Gladden the soul of your servant,
for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.
For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving,
abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.
Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer;
listen to my plea for grace.
In the day of my trouble I call upon you,
for you answer me.

There are fewer days ahead, than there are behind

That is true for me in at least in the sense that I am counting down the days until my National Guard days are over. When all is said and done I will have served the Army National Guard, for 22 years. I have loved every moment. My early days were as an Infantry man (notice the crossed muskets - not rifles! - to the left). I have a deep sense of pride at having been an Infantryman. Despite what might be generally perceived, it takes a good deal of intelligence to be a 'grunt'. You have to know the effects or your men and equipment, you have to have a general understanding of those whom you are facing, you have to know how to shoot, move, and communicate effectively. And you must constantly be aware of your surroundings. I did more traveling, and the hardest training of my military career as a "leg". I also went and passed Air Assault school. It's a long story, but that year the TOW platoon had the bragging rights over the Scouts (we sent me, and they sent 3 - I was the one who passed). I still remember the recruiter asking me what I wanted to do. He listed off the available jobs, and when he told me about being an anti-tank infantryman - I was hooked.

My next job was that of a Military Policeman. To be honest I was not happy as an MP, I only transferred to that unit because I was trying to go to college and they were the closest unit. Eighteen months later I was so bored I transfered back to an Infantry unit that was over 50 miles away. Unfortunately I had not kept up my overall physical conditioning and I did not do well, so I went back to the MP's. I did make friends in that unit though. They were a good group of men and women. I also had the opportunity to visit the Panama canal with them. Not once, but twice. I also served on my first state mobilizations there and I found a deeper reason to be in the guard other than the military aspect. When I finally attended an NCO school, I met a recruiter who talked me into seeking a 'career' change. The timing was perfect because my beloved and I were getting ready to move. It was then I became a "Red Leg" (Artilleryman).

I have served as as Red Leg for almost nine years - the longest I have served in any MOS (military occupation specialty). I served with this unit when I was deployed (as MPs ironically). I have also served as rear echelon support, and was deployed for Hurricane Katrina and Rita. If it were not for the increasing angst of being away from my family, I would serve with this group of men until I was told that my services were no longer required.

As I was typing this blog entry up I was also thinking about the days that I will be walking the Earth. I am still fairly young, and only God knows the number of my days. My paternal Grandfather outlived two wives of 25 years plus an extra decade (after the second). He was a sharp man. To my shame I missed his funeral. He is buried with honor in Arlington. May the Lord grant me as many days as he saw, and may I have an impact on my beloved, children, and God willing - grand children's lives.
Verse for today:
Psalm 90 : 12-14, ESV
So teach us to number our days
that we may get a heart of wisdom.
Return, O Lord! How long?
Have pity on your servants!
Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,
that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.

Desensitization and oversensitivity

Last night was the season premier of "Deadliest Catch" on the Discovery Channel. My beloved and I have been addicted to this show since season 1! It is just amazing what those guys do. I especially love the guys that head up there with something to prove and get humbled by what it is really like out on the Bearing Sea. I have known two fishermen in real life. One was in basic training and he too was from Alaska. The guy was small, but a rock. He humbled the Drill Sergeants when they tried to 'smoke' him (get him to burn out) in push-ups. He could do them all day. The other was my step-father (for all of four weeks). That man was a mountain. He used to go out with the fishing boats out of Chincoteague Island (MD/VA). I never got along with him real well - but I digress from what I wanted to blog about. Before I move on, I am man enough to say that I am not man enough to do that job! LOL

Last night I only watched the highlights from Season 3 because I wanted to wait to watch the premier with my beloved. One of the highlights was when the Ocean Challenger sank with four men on board, before the crabbing season had even began. Well, one the captains was quoted as saying that he wasn't sure if it was "desensitizing" him to death in general. I don't think that was the case with him, because he sort of broke down right there on camera (I say good for him, such things should be sad). But it made me think about some things.

We have video games that are "first person shooter" types of games. And blowing up aliens is one thing, but the ones like "Grand Theft Auto" make me nervous. I am no scientist, but I see what happens at places like Columbine, Virginia Tech, and the recent YouTube beating - and I think we as a society (at least American society) is becoming desensitized to death, or at least violence. I have a lot of theories as to how we got to this point, but I don't think I have enough time to type it all out, but it makes me nervous for my children, and (eventual) grandchildren. We can't protect them from everything, but we can help them guard their hearts and minds.

But then there is the other side of the coin. We have inane laws and reactions to some of the most mundane accidents, and maybe my view is skewed because I have become desensitized but, where is the balance? Where are the parents teaching/training their children to obey and respect authority? Where are they teaching them to think about consequences? And it's not just teaching our children when they are young. I mean there are some really crazy thought processes used by adults. But when something that should be common sense is not followed, and some sort of accident occurs, why is it that there is a knee-jerk reaction to have some law passed to prevent such a tragedy?

One thing that is true, you cannot legislate common sense, or morality. You can have laws, and enforce such laws, but it does not change the individual. The laws govern the action, but do not shape the (wo)man's heart/mind. The best thing we can do for society (especially as parents) is to teach things like common sense, personal accountability, respect of authority (so long as it does not go against God), and that there are such things as right and wrong.
Verse for today:
Psalm 103 : 8-13, ESV
The Lord is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.