20101210

Getting back on the bicycle

Because no one i know (well) actually rides a horse... and well, i know i don't so... the title seemed more appropriate this way.

I know my posting of late has been somewhat lackadaisical, and i am not real happy with that.  So many good Microfiction Monday sources, a few Haiku poems (some of which i have shared), new story line ideas, thoughts on the Carolina Kitte... i mean Panthers, real world happenings, MouseHunt/Blood Bowl/ etc. So, instead of trying to catch everything up all at once... i will just ramble (yea, different, i know ) and work through them as them come back to mind.

Where to begin... i have mentioned this before but i will do so again... if for nothing else to help myself work through it.  I have really been struggling with depression lately.  I have never been able to "get it".  Meaning, i am not able to understand how or why people get depressed.  I am even more confused as to why i am getting depressed.  I am not taking any sort of superiority train of thought here.  On many levels depression is a selfish thing.  The mind gets locked on to me/myself/I.  All of the things that are not right in my life.  Why am I not able to _____?  Etc. The thoughts get turned inward and not outward.  Even when thinking about others, more often than not (at least in my experience) it is how whatever is going on with the other person and how it affects me. The causes can be multifaceted.  Some may be poor mental choices.  The things one dwells on.  In others it is a side affect of medication or injury.  Some can be chemical, that is imbalances within the construct of the body's systems.  All of them are treatable, and none of them should be ignored.  To tell oneself to just "shake it off", or to advise someone who is experiencing it to just "get over it" is unhelpful at best, and devastating at its worst.  Depression is something that is like a whirlpool.  The process slow and almost imperceptible in the beginning, but as it progresses it picks up speed and gets tighter and tighter as it pulls you down.  The longer one does nothing about the predicament the harder it takes hold and the harder it is to escape... especially without outside assistance.  I am not entirely sure how long i struggled with it before i finally sought some help.  One person says that they noticed a "cyclical" pattern as long as two years ago.  For me the "trigger" that pushed it over the edge of manageability was when my beloved went back to work.  I grew up, for the most part, with a single mother who was rarely at home.  This left me and my brother alone to pretty much fend for ourselves.  As a young man i steeled myself to the task.  It was what it was.  I did the best i could to do the chores around the house, feed me and my brother (and he pitched in some too, it was not all me), i remember learning to do laundry and make mac & cheese.  But when my beloved went to work and she was not always home i began to have an overwhelming sense of abandonment. I felt like i was losing her and there was nothing i could do about it.  The fact was, there was nothing my beloved was doing intentionally to make me feel this way.  As a matter of fact, she bent over backwards to assure me, to comfort me, to let me know that she was indeed my beloved.  For her, this job was in many ways a "life saver" for her too.  It has renewed her sense of purpose now that our three darlings are older.  It has been one of the better things to come along for her.  What was hard was i know all this... and yet i could not change the way my own body reacted.  I would pray (and still do), and i would "preach" to myself these facts, but i just couldn't shake the bodily reactions and mental thought pathways.  I knew i was not thinking clearly, and my attempts to talk with my beloved were causing her distress.  One of our long time friends, who is also a friend of ours, also reached out to me... but for a variety of reasons i did not feel that was a good idea.  I finally reached out to a Christian man whom i respected, and who was also a licensed therapist.  While he felt it better to not counsel me himself, he did get me with another man of God who was very helpful.  For me, my dose of Strattera not only has helped me with my ADD, but it has helped with my rounds of depression.  I can tell i am still struggling with the "cycles" now and again, but just like me working out my own sanctification day by day, i am working to stay "on top of" my own depression - day-by-day.  If you, or someone you know, struggles with depression and implore you to seek help.  Do NOT try and go it alone.  Seek God in all that you do, but also allow Him to work through others in your life.

Going on about ten months ago i began to feel a persistent ache in my right shoulder.  I've had a "clicking" and "twinge"in both shoulders for a long, long time, but it was never pervasive enough for me to worry about it.  At first it was a distraction during the day... an annoyance.  Then it started causing me to lose sleep.  Finally i went to an orthopedist.  He followed the insurance steps and we did the X-rays, and then an MRI where he found a "small" tear in a place that was hard to get an exact picture of the extent (i thought MRI's could get all that...).  He then sent me for 6 weeks of physical therapy.  For a variety of reasons, i waited until November (almost seven months) before i started it.  I am now 5 weeks into it, with only my last session (the therapist's evaluation) and then then consult back with the Orthopedist... is it good when my shoulders still ache, and the therapist grimaces while i am performing my exercises?  I know the workouts - both at the office and the ones i do at home - have been giving me headaches, and causing knots in my shoulders and lower neck region.  I am getting nervous.  Everything i hear about the surgery of getting this fixed sound really painful and involved.  But... if it takes away the constant ache... i will go through it.

One good side affect of me getting some help with my depression is the renewed interest to pick up the "pen" again to write again.  The next chapter is going to be rewritten from my original script, but... i am just glad to be wanting to write again.

Ok, well, i have rambled on for enough today... i will pick this up some more soon.

2 comments:

ronclick said...

Having trod down that path of depression alone for too long, I found there comes a time to seek professional help. As for me, a Christian psychiatrist put me on an anti-depressant, an SSRI (Paxhil)and quite frankly, it changed my life. Depression is a complex plight often anathema - sadly - to mention in the Christian community. Thinking of you and you are in my prayers.

leila said...

Depression can be totally devastating. I totally feel your sentiment on this. A supportive group of family and friends can be very helpful in this state. Their love and understanding will mellow down the horrible feeling at least. But as much as possible, please also consult a psychiatrist. You will be prescribed with an anti-depressant drug that will help alleviate the anxiety and depression. Just be careful in choosing the right medication for you because most of these SSRIs have unlikely side effects like Paxil.
If you or if you know somebody who took Paxil and struggled with its horrible side effects, seek advice from Paxil Lawyers.