Getting back on the bicycle

Because no one i know (well) actually rides a horse... and well, i know i don't so... the title seemed more appropriate this way.

I know my posting of late has been somewhat lackadaisical, and i am not real happy with that.  So many good Microfiction Monday sources, a few Haiku poems (some of which i have shared), new story line ideas, thoughts on the Carolina Kitte... i mean Panthers, real world happenings, MouseHunt/Blood Bowl/ etc. So, instead of trying to catch everything up all at once... i will just ramble (yea, different, i know ) and work through them as them come back to mind.

Where to begin... i have mentioned this before but i will do so again... if for nothing else to help myself work through it.  I have really been struggling with depression lately.  I have never been able to "get it".  Meaning, i am not able to understand how or why people get depressed.  I am even more confused as to why i am getting depressed.  I am not taking any sort of superiority train of thought here.  On many levels depression is a selfish thing.  The mind gets locked on to me/myself/I.  All of the things that are not right in my life.  Why am I not able to _____?  Etc. The thoughts get turned inward and not outward.  Even when thinking about others, more often than not (at least in my experience) it is how whatever is going on with the other person and how it affects me. The causes can be multifaceted.  Some may be poor mental choices.  The things one dwells on.  In others it is a side affect of medication or injury.  Some can be chemical, that is imbalances within the construct of the body's systems.  All of them are treatable, and none of them should be ignored.  To tell oneself to just "shake it off", or to advise someone who is experiencing it to just "get over it" is unhelpful at best, and devastating at its worst.  Depression is something that is like a whirlpool.  The process slow and almost imperceptible in the beginning, but as it progresses it picks up speed and gets tighter and tighter as it pulls you down.  The longer one does nothing about the predicament the harder it takes hold and the harder it is to escape... especially without outside assistance.  I am not entirely sure how long i struggled with it before i finally sought some help.  One person says that they noticed a "cyclical" pattern as long as two years ago.  For me the "trigger" that pushed it over the edge of manageability was when my beloved went back to work.  I grew up, for the most part, with a single mother who was rarely at home.  This left me and my brother alone to pretty much fend for ourselves.  As a young man i steeled myself to the task.  It was what it was.  I did the best i could to do the chores around the house, feed me and my brother (and he pitched in some too, it was not all me), i remember learning to do laundry and make mac & cheese.  But when my beloved went to work and she was not always home i began to have an overwhelming sense of abandonment. I felt like i was losing her and there was nothing i could do about it.  The fact was, there was nothing my beloved was doing intentionally to make me feel this way.  As a matter of fact, she bent over backwards to assure me, to comfort me, to let me know that she was indeed my beloved.  For her, this job was in many ways a "life saver" for her too.  It has renewed her sense of purpose now that our three darlings are older.  It has been one of the better things to come along for her.  What was hard was i know all this... and yet i could not change the way my own body reacted.  I would pray (and still do), and i would "preach" to myself these facts, but i just couldn't shake the bodily reactions and mental thought pathways.  I knew i was not thinking clearly, and my attempts to talk with my beloved were causing her distress.  One of our long time friends, who is also a friend of ours, also reached out to me... but for a variety of reasons i did not feel that was a good idea.  I finally reached out to a Christian man whom i respected, and who was also a licensed therapist.  While he felt it better to not counsel me himself, he did get me with another man of God who was very helpful.  For me, my dose of Strattera not only has helped me with my ADD, but it has helped with my rounds of depression.  I can tell i am still struggling with the "cycles" now and again, but just like me working out my own sanctification day by day, i am working to stay "on top of" my own depression - day-by-day.  If you, or someone you know, struggles with depression and implore you to seek help.  Do NOT try and go it alone.  Seek God in all that you do, but also allow Him to work through others in your life.

Going on about ten months ago i began to feel a persistent ache in my right shoulder.  I've had a "clicking" and "twinge"in both shoulders for a long, long time, but it was never pervasive enough for me to worry about it.  At first it was a distraction during the day... an annoyance.  Then it started causing me to lose sleep.  Finally i went to an orthopedist.  He followed the insurance steps and we did the X-rays, and then an MRI where he found a "small" tear in a place that was hard to get an exact picture of the extent (i thought MRI's could get all that...).  He then sent me for 6 weeks of physical therapy.  For a variety of reasons, i waited until November (almost seven months) before i started it.  I am now 5 weeks into it, with only my last session (the therapist's evaluation) and then then consult back with the Orthopedist... is it good when my shoulders still ache, and the therapist grimaces while i am performing my exercises?  I know the workouts - both at the office and the ones i do at home - have been giving me headaches, and causing knots in my shoulders and lower neck region.  I am getting nervous.  Everything i hear about the surgery of getting this fixed sound really painful and involved.  But... if it takes away the constant ache... i will go through it.

One good side affect of me getting some help with my depression is the renewed interest to pick up the "pen" again to write again.  The next chapter is going to be rewritten from my original script, but... i am just glad to be wanting to write again.

Ok, well, i have rambled on for enough today... i will pick this up some more soon.

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Ramblings of the first order

A few weeks back i was sent an e-mail about the upcoming movie about Billy Graham. It looks very interesting (at least to me). I went to the official website for this cool widget: It's not in what i would even call a limited release, but i would encourage anyone who has even the slightest interest in this man i would encourage you all to search out a movie theater and watch. This is a man who amazes me. I am looking forward to watching this movie. For the first time in several weeks i picked up my notes for my "long" short story. I actually would like to go "full length" (about the size of a 250 page paperback) with it, so I am taking my time. I have five characters i am 'fleshing' out. I have three main 'sections' roughly outlined. I have the background worked out. I know the end that the characters will be moving towards, and i have a rough idea of how they are going to move in that direction. The one thing i noticed about 'full length' books is that they are flush with details. Often a page worth of writing is used to set the mood and describe the environment... all the while keeping the reader interested. Not an easy task to be sure. One bad thing though... almost every time i review the main characters, i dislike the names i've chosen. I dunno - maybe i will just settle on them and move on. I could just me now... i have the hundreds of pages completed and edited, i actually am going to get published and the deadline looms to be submitted and 15 minutes before i send it up i run through the whole thing and change one or more of the names! lol (note, the picture i used above is from the released pictures for Fallout 3... which i am looking forward to very, very much) Speaking about Fallout 3, it is now only 2 weeks and 6 days away. I am still looking forward to this game's release. I am also tempering my excitement by the fact that my 'free' time will most likely not take any steps to grow between now and then, nor after. The more i read about this game (the latest is from the guy who wrote the Game Guide) only makes me think that it is unlikely i will ever fully explore the game. Which is fine, but i just know that in the years ahead i am going to be researching ways how to make the OS of my computer backwards compatible. :) Something i have been banging my head against the wall recently with my own home PC. I was able to make several of my kids older games work, but not all of them. To make matters worse my printer no longer works! After a couple hours of searching, etc. i finally stumbled across a note that Vista does not have a driver, nor does the manufacturer. *sigh* Maybe I should just create a disk image when i get everything the way i want it... and then reload it on a separate drive partition or something. :) In closing... last week at our Bible Study meeting we talked about 'abuse' within the church and i sort of came to a conclusion. All my Christian life i felt called into some form of leadership role within the body of Christ. But lately it seems like the Lord is showing me that this is not the case. Not that i can't, or won't, be in such a role in the future, but that my place is more in the support variety, which is not a bad place to be. Not just that is now, but that may have been always the case. My own pride and assumptions may have led me to believe that a leadership role was for me. It does not matter what role i play within the body, i just want to be associated with the body! I am more than willing to be a street sweeper in heaven, so long as i am there to worship my God and my Creator, and not left out where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth. Verse for today: Proverbs 8 : 12-21, ESV “I, wisdom, dwell with prudence, and I find knowledge and discretion. The fear of the Lord is hatred of evil. Pride and arrogance and the way of evil and perverted speech I hate. I have counsel and sound wisdom; I have insight; I have strength. By me kings reign, and rulers decree what is just; by me princes rule, and nobles, all who govern justly. [1] I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me. Riches and honor are with me, enduring wealth and righteousness. My fruit is better than gold, even fine gold, and my yield than choice silver. I walk in the way of righteousness, in the paths of justice, granting an inheritance to those who love me, and filling their treasuries.

I spaced out yesterday

Totally ;)

Anyway... between trying to adjust to playing a single parent this week, getting back into the routine at work, and trying to crunch out a short story for an upcoming rules article for Necromunda, I completely missed the opportunity to blog yesterday. But that's ok because I have kind of been in a funk lately.

I kind of go through cycles, almost monthly (no smart alack remarks ;-) ). I don't do well with change, and life is full of things that change. My beloved is out of town for a few days at a conference that is addressing special needs within children's ministry this week. I submitted my letter to finally make my retirement from the National Guard official. And the ever changing nature of IT in the work environment. None of these things really help me feel 'safe' or 'peaceful'. Don't get me wrong, I firmly believe in the providential hand of God. I know that He is in perfect control of all. It's just that my mind (aka my flesh) does not respond well to change. Like I have to process it all before I can get back to 'level'. I don't even necessarily need to understand it all. I just have to be able to somehow process it.

Funny story - back when I was commuting almost 90 minutes each way to work I would call my beloved just before I would walk out the door to head home (before we had cell phones) and go over what we were doing that night. By the time I would get home my beloved would make changes and it would throw me through a loop. Unfortunately this has led her to believe that I can't handle change at all (and maybe she's right). I know she's nervous that the kids are going to end up in school without their shoes on, or I will leave the house wide open so strangers can "help themselves". And none of this helps my own "self esteem".

I enjoy writing, and I enjoy my job, but I still feel like a failure at both. At work I struggle to keep up with the constant changes, and not just to the technology. When I went to college I took the placement exams and scored high enough to be invited to join the 'honors society', but I still placed low enough that I had to take English 010 (no, that is not a mis-type). Not only did I have to take the pre-college English course, but I had to take it four times before I passed it! (I currently do not have a degree of any kind.)

So, during these "low cycles" it is hard to keep up. All I can see is all of the tasks around the house not getting done, all of the opportunities missed with the kids, the mistakes I make with my beloved. I ache for heaven, especially during these times. I know that I do a lot of things well. I am able to support my family on my single income (a miracle in today's economic situation), I have been picked above my peers to fill in for the First Sergeant at my unit while he has been away (this has been a reoccurring thing through out my military career), I have been blessed with a mind that can grasp things like IP routing and filtering, I have been blessed with children whom I am often given compliments for, and I have a woman in my life who really does look past my faults and loves me deeply.

But it is hard to look to the horizon, when all you can see are hillsides. I guess that is why I take such deep pleasure in Psalm 23, and the book of Job. My Savior is not hemmed in by my doubts or failures. His staff does comfort me. He does light my paths. He does lead me by still waters and anoints my head with oil. The same God who tells the ocean that it may go only so far, and places the stars at just the right place, is the one who reaches down and speaks to my mind and my heart. He holds me and gives me comfort. Even when I am trying to process change.
Verse for today:
Isaiah 12, ESV
You [1] will say in that day:
“I will give thanks to you, O Lord,
for though you were angry with me,
your anger turned away,
that you might comfort me.

“Behold, God is my salvation;
I will trust, and will not be afraid;
for the Lord God [2] is my strength and my song,
and he has become my salvation.”

With joy you [3] will draw water from the wells of salvation. And you will say in that day:

“Give thanks to the Lord,
call upon his name,
make known his deeds among the peoples,
proclaim that his name is exalted.

“Sing praises to the Lord, for he has done gloriously;
let this be made known [4] in all the earth.
Shout, and sing for joy, O inhabitant of Zion,
for great in your [5] midst is the Holy One of Israel.”

How many spinning plates are too many?

I think I am stretching myself too thin... here is, what I hope, a short list of what I've been working on lately:

1) I am planning on a weekend getaway with my beloved for next Spring. She has expressed a desire to go to Hershey, PA. We want to get "his and hers" massages, eat out at a nice resteraunt, do a puzzle together, and spend some one-on-one time. When I mentioned to her that the Park would not be open, she told me, "that's alright. We're not going for sight seeing." *sigh* I Love that woman. :) To be honest, I don't want to get my expectations all set up, because it will take way too long for the day to get here, and then the weekend will fly by way too fast.

2) I have at least three short stories running around in my head right now, and I can't seemed to get any of them sorted out and down on paper (or typed up in a Word document). One has to do with a small band of down-and-out sorts who stumble upon an old abandoned town and find out that it's inhabited by zombie-like cyborgs. Another is a back ground piece for a faction within a faction that is "spun off" as a result of a small civil-war. The last one is about a nomad type who wakes up in the middle of an apocalyptic desert with limited knowledge of his past and stumbles across an old something-or-other that contains a copy the Bible. The result is he ends up traveling from shantytown to shantytown spreading the gospel.

3) Keeping my blog up to date... there are times when my real life just get in the way. You'd think it would just give me more material, but... it seems to just confuse me. :)

4) Keeping track of "soldier issues" for my unit. With most of my unit "upstream", and me filling in for the First Sergeant, I have had my hands full of between drill activities. Soldiers to follow up with. "Beans, Bullets, and Bodies" - that's my new job function, and I'm not fully trained as a Platoon Sergeant. I put it this way - it feels like I am being pulled behing a bus and I can't quite keep my feet underneath me. The "funny" thing is, my BC (Battery Commander) is encouraging me to get to ANCOC (Advanced Non-Commissioned Officer Course) next summer. The "problem" is that I would have to re-enlist to go so I told him that "...it's not just one of my life's priorities" right now. But in the meantime I plan on holding down the fort until the real 'First Shirt' gets back to resume his normal workload. Then it's off to the "old Soldier's Home" for me.

Well, look at the time... which I am out of... there's more, but... I hope you all have a blessed day...



Verse for today:
Proverbs 24:3-7, ESV
By wisdom a house is built,and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filledwith all precious and pleasant riches. A wise man is full of strength,and a man of knowledge enhances his might, for by wise guidance you can wage your war,and in abundance of counselors there is victory. Wisdom is too high for a fool;in the gate he does not open his mouth.