Purgatory revisited

Linda (her blog is "2nd Cup of Coffee") helped me to continue to ponder my post from yesterday. I think it's not so much that I want to be my beloved's "one and only", it's more that I don't want her to think I am imperfect in some way. The thing that "cuts me to the quick" is her words of disapproval of any kind. I will not elaborate, but she has a "gift" for saying just the "right" thing. So much so that I have taken a more "proactive" approach in some situations. Neither is very helpful - either her choice of wording, or my reaction. I blame myself mostly, because for her part it was the way she was raised, I mean a term of "endearment" from her parents is "You idiot". Not a term I would use, but it is pretty common in her upbringing, and my beloved tries really hard NOT to say such things. In my opinion I really over react, and it's mostly because an idol is being threatened in my life. In this case an idol of self. An idol of me wanting to be the one who she sees as the greatest thing since, well even before sliced bread. I also want to be perfect in and of myself. I don't like it when I'm wrong, I don't like it when I am the reason something did not go right. I am all full of patience and understanding (usually) when someone else screws up - but when I fail I fall pretty hard on myself. This is a glimpse of the "idol of self" - only God is perfect. I can work, and strive, but the very fact that sin is in the world (let alone my own sin nature) lends itself to making the perfect impossible to attain. We are to "work out our salvation", but in light of the cross, we cannot possible hope to achieve much success (at least not for very long) unless we look to the cross, we look and see what He has achieved, and what His grace has given, and then take up his cross and allow His grace to cover our lack. This is the idol that has been so prevelant in my life of late. So much so that my own sinful reactions have caused my beloved a lot of pain and confusion. Side note: I was reading about what a great time Susan was having meeting up with some blogging friends in Savannah, GA and it reminded me of the last time I had to visit my mother, outside of her hospital room, before passed away. I had taken my family down to visit her and my brother and his then wife (#2) for Thanksgiving and the long weekend. My mother had loved live music (of almost any kind), and especially Irish Folk music. She told us of a "great pub" in downtown Savannah, right on the water front, with good food and great music - so we caravaned all nine of us (my then family of four, my brother's family, and my mom) down to Kevin Barry's Pub and we had a great time. Sadly, less than a week later I was called back down to Georgia to see her one more time. By God's grace I was able to spend a few more hours with her and read to her from the book of Romans. When the burden of what we were going through was starting to get heavy my brother suggested we head back up to Savannah - which we did. Not to get drunk, but to revist the place we had such a good time at. That night will live long in my memory. If anyone who visits this little blog of mine is in Savannah, and enjoys live Irish music, and does not mind the atmosphere of a pub, I highly recommend Kevin Barry's Pub - really good food, and the music is just awesome. Verse for today: Luke 9:57-62, ESV As they were going along the road, someone said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” To another he said, “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” And Jesus [7] said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead. But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Yet another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.”

Woman, thy name is Purgatory

Purgatory, or "the final purification of the elect", is the process by which, according to Catholic doctrine, "all who die in God's grace and friendship, but still imperfectly purified, are indeed assured of their eternal salvation; but after death they undergo purification, so as to achieve the holiness necessary to enter the joy of heaven." - Wikipedia.com

I know I am not in hell, and I am positive I am not in Heaven. The only other choice could be is Purgatory.


When I got home late from my drill weekend on Sunday I was very tired, and to borrow a phrase from the military my hind-quarter was dragging in the dirt - both physically and mentally. I had not even had a chance to take a shower when my beloved races in the door to dropped of a slightly injured DS1 (he pulled something in his lower leg at his soccer game). Her intention was to drop him off and then, DS1 and I would just go out to dinner and hang out instead of going to AWANA. Well, it was an example of idols coming to the surface (on my part) and really poor communications. I totally lost it and we had an "intense time of fellowship".

I had arranged to take yesterday off from work because I knew I needed time to unwind from the weekend, and I really wanted to spend time with my beloved. It was far from an ideal time for us. I had to mow the lawn, and my beloved wanted time to exercise - neither got accomplished until after noon, and it was not because we were taking time for intimacy. We managed to get through the day until last night my beloved was going over the checkbook and bills (because she is taking the day to day 'operations' back from me since I've managed to thoroughly screw it up in the eight weeks I've tried my hand at it).

I want to declare here and now that as I walk through this time, and I spend time on my knees, I believe God is revealing an idol to me. One that has haunted me for some time now. It's related to me acting like a 'cameleon', and wanting people to like me. But with my beloved I think it goes even deeper. It seems like I want her to almost idolize me... like I want to be perfect in her eyes. This is an extremely dangerous place to be, the Lord God will not sit idly by and allow His children to form false idols or gods. In this situation I am seeing a painful side of Romans 8:28-29. The Lord does indeed use all things for my good - including painful confrontations with my beloved - in order to conform me into the image of His perfect Son, my Lord Jesus Christ.

I titled this entry as I did because I know that I am in the situation I am in with my beloved, because of my own screw ups. We do not have some "heaven on earth" marriage, but it is also - by God's awesome grace and mercy - not some "pit of hell" situation either. I really believe God is the author of marriage (especially mine), and He uses them to help us see our blindspots - and with His grace and mercy - work through the sin He mercifully uncovers in our lives.



Verse for today:
Exodus 34:11-16, ESV
“Observe what I command you this day. Behold, I will drive out before you the Amorites, the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites. Take care, lest you make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land to which you go, lest it become a snare in your midst. You shall tear down their altars and break their pillars and cut down their Asherim (for you shall worship no other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God), lest you make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and when they whore after their gods and sacrifice to their gods and you are invited, you eat of his sacrifice, and you take of their daughters for your sons, and their daughters whore after their gods and make your sons whore after their gods.