Purgatory, or "the final purification of the elect", is the process by which, according to Catholic doctrine, "all who die in God's grace and friendship, but still imperfectly purified, are indeed assured of their eternal salvation; but after death they undergo purification, so as to achieve the holiness necessary to enter the joy of heaven." - Wikipedia.com
I know I am not in hell, and I am positive I am not in Heaven. The only other choice could be is Purgatory.
When I got home late from my drill weekend on Sunday I was very tired, and to borrow a phrase from the military my hind-quarter was dragging in the dirt - both physically and mentally. I had not even had a chance to take a shower when my beloved races in the door to dropped of a slightly injured DS1 (he pulled something in his lower leg at his soccer game). Her intention was to drop him off and then, DS1 and I would just go out to dinner and hang out instead of going to AWANA. Well, it was an example of idols coming to the surface (on my part) and really poor communications. I totally lost it and we had an "intense time of fellowship".
I had arranged to take yesterday off from work because I knew I needed time to unwind from the weekend, and I really wanted to spend time with my beloved. It was far from an ideal time for us. I had to mow the lawn, and my beloved wanted time to exercise - neither got accomplished until after noon, and it was not because we were taking time for intimacy. We managed to get through the day until last night my beloved was going over the checkbook and bills (because she is taking the day to day 'operations' back from me since I've managed to thoroughly screw it up in the eight weeks I've tried my hand at it).
I want to declare here and now that as I walk through this time, and I spend time on my knees, I believe God is revealing an idol to me. One that has haunted me for some time now. It's related to me acting like a 'cameleon', and wanting people to like me. But with my beloved I think it goes even deeper. It seems like I want her to almost idolize me... like I want to be perfect in her eyes. This is an extremely dangerous place to be, the Lord God will not sit idly by and allow His children to form false idols or gods. In this situation I am seeing a painful side of Romans 8:28-29. The Lord does indeed use all things for my good - including painful confrontations with my beloved - in order to conform me into the image of His perfect Son, my Lord Jesus Christ.
I titled this entry as I did because I know that I am in the situation I am in with my beloved, because of my own screw ups. We do not have some "heaven on earth" marriage, but it is also - by God's awesome grace and mercy - not some "pit of hell" situation either. I really believe God is the author of marriage (especially mine), and He uses them to help us see our blindspots - and with His grace and mercy - work through the sin He mercifully uncovers in our lives.
Verse for today:
Exodus 34:11-16, ESV
“Observe what I command you this day. Behold, I will drive out before you the Amorites, the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites. Take care, lest you make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land to which you go, lest it become a snare in your midst. You shall tear down their altars and break their pillars and cut down their Asherim (for you shall worship no other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God), lest you make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and when they whore after their gods and sacrifice to their gods and you are invited, you eat of his sacrifice, and you take of their daughters for your sons, and their daughters whore after their gods and make your sons whore after their gods.
1 comment:
I forget who the author is who said recently, "What if marriage is designed not to make you happy but to make you holy?" I believe that. Don't be too hard on yourself for wanting to be perfect in her eyes; there is a certain sweetness to that, and women understand that concept because we seem to be wired to want to be the man's (husband's) perfect one-and-only, and yet we know he's not naturally inclined to be monogamous. Our interpretation of that is, "I'll never be perfect in his eyes." Then again, maybe I totally misunderstood you. Anyway, it was a vulnerable post that made me think.
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