Reaping what one sows

Thirteen years of marriage. I have been married for thirteen years. In that time I have always tried to make my beloved happy. Unfortunately that was not always what was best for her. Similar to how one must discipline a child, sometimes a husband must do things that a wife may not agree with or enjoy. Do not misunderstand me. I am in no way saying I need to discipline my wife! What I am saying is that a parent must do things that a child does not enjoy in the form of discipline - and then there are times when a husband and wife may not agree on something, and the husband must do what he believes what is right before God. Even when the wife does not enjoy that course of action. Well, last night I had to essentially pursue a course of action that my wife does not agree with and that has led to some "intense fellowship" between the two of us. We did not get here over night. In the past I have not planned sufficiently. I have not said 'no' or 'yes' where I may have needed to. I have said or done things to appease my wife (i.e. make her happy) instead of working with her to do things that, while less enjoyable to put it mildly, were needed. In essence I have failed to lead and protect my second most precious gift that the Lord has entrusted to me. As a result I have caused her (and thus myself) pain, and I am now paying the price. Verse for the day: Psalm 31:14-24 esv But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hand; rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors! Make your face shine on your servant; save me in your steadfast love! O Lord, let me not be put to shame, for I call upon you; let the wicked be put to shame; let them go silently to Sheol. Let the lying lips be mute, which speak insolently against the righteous in pride and contempt. Oh, how abundant is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you, in the sight of the children of mankind! In the cover of your presence you hide them from the plots of men; you store them in your shelter from the strife of tongues. Blessed be the Lord, for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me when I was in a besieged city. I had said in my alarm, “I am cut off from your sight.” But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy when I cried to you for help. Love the Lord, all you his saints! The Lord preserves the faithful but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride. Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!

What's a man to do

I had been planning on surprising my beloved for Valentine's Day. I was going to surprise her on the 10th, but arranging to take the entire day off from work, have someone watch the kids during the afternoon, and while having her do a "treasure hunt" eventually have her come home to a nice dinner and massage. But I have given up on this plan. I am tired of trying to do things like this. I always get frustrated. Reasons for this one: 1) Our schedules are always full of doing something. This time several things have conspired against me. 2) She watches two kids on Fridays for some friends who are expecting their third child in August. Well the poor woman is sick to the point of being unable to function very well for very long. 3) I have been given some grief by one set of friends whom I ask to help with this. They felt the duration was too long to be a reasonable request (about 6-8 hours). 4) The church is doing somekind of outing for the kids that night and she is insistant that I take the kids. When I say insistant she is not telling me that I need to take the boys, but she repeatedly 'encourages' me to take them dispite my feeling to the contrary over a long period of time. It is getting harder and harder for me to try and romance my wife unless she has an active say in when and where. There is little room for my creativity or spontenaity. It's ok for her to spring $%#* on me, but when I try and do it - it is an inconvienience. What makes all of this worse is I know I am sinning in my attitude. I am being selfish and not dying to myself. I am not loving her as myself. All of this just has me getting more and more moody. I am caring less and less about trying to do anything special for v-day. And many, many other thoughts. Verse for today: Psalm 146:3-4 esv Put not your trust in princes, in a son of man, in whom there is no salvation. When his breath departs he returns to the earth; on that very day his plans perish.

An empty canvass

Well, I can't seem to come up an overall theme today. Too many thoughts swirling around the old head I guess. May the Lord watch over and keep you all. :) And thank you for reading... Verse for today: Psalm 27:1-6 esv The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall. Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident. One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple. For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock. And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me, and I will offer in his tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing and make melody to the Lord.

When the Cat is Away, the Mice will play

Well my manager took his son to the Car show in Washington D.C. today so I have been left in charge. But that is not really the reason for my blog today. I don't really get to 'play' as much when the boss takes a day off. It's actually more work for me. The actual purpose of my blog today is to post a testimony to God's faithfulness in providing me a job where I am today. Actually my whole career is a testimony so I will give an abreviated Reader's Digest version up to where I met my current supervisor and go then expand as I feel led. I got into IT quiet by accident. I was delivering pizzas to make money until I could get enrolled in college when a friend of my wife (who was also a bride's maid at our wedding) told me of a job opening where she worked. The 'qualifications' were pretty minimal - 'can you use a mouse?' 'Give me some examples of troubleshooting.' etc. Although I was not their first choice God still provided and a second position opened up and I was hired. They tought me everything. Even sending me to out of town schools. Well, as my wife and I decided we were going to go ahead and have children I started evening classes to learn Novel - which is funny since I have onoy used it sparingly in the 10+ years since I took those classes. I traveled 50+ miles one way, twice a week, but it paid off because when I interviewed with my current employer it helped me get the job. And then I did all of my current learning OJT - well, at least until funds starting drying up. But my employer sent me to schools, and the upper level engineers were so easy to work with and accessable (back then they were) I just picked things up as I went along. Well, 9/11 happened and eventually my National Guard unit was called up to active duty in the Spring of 2002. By God's grace I was only 50 miles from home (although I was not allowed to live at home, I could get home once or twice a month for a few days at a time) and I transitioned back into being a full time civilian in April of 2003. Unfortunately upon my return I found out that my employer had been through not 1 or 2, but 3 rounds of lay-offs! Although my job was secure (probably because of my NG status) I learned that my position had been moved to the 3-11 PM shift. I had just spent over a year away form my children (one of whom was only 4 months old when I left) and now I was going to have to be away from them Monday through Friday! I was not happy, but I was met with indeifference. I was given 30 days to find another position until I was forced onto my new schedule. In steps God... I am striking out in trying to find another job. I've even expanded it to looking in other states, etc. nothing. One day I am having issues with new software that is being installed on my work laptop computer. The PC tech is in my cube working on it when my future boss comes up. He's just been rehired after being layed off for a few months and needs his old laptop brought up to date. While the tech is going over our machines we get to talking. It turns out he is being assigned to a new contract that will be doing the same thing for the same people I used to work for! He is very interested in bringing me on board. Only one hitch... I end up having to take a 2 paygrade reduction in may - a net loss of 10% of my previous income. More if I was to take into account the shift differential I would have made. When I approached my previous manager with the notification of this transfer they just couldn't get it. Why did I want to take such a step backwards?!? But God has used it mightily. I know work less than 10 miles from home. We now have a nice single family home, near many of our friends (especially my wife's friends from college), we are deeply involved in the church (children's ministry, small group leaders, MOPS, and an outreach to families of deployed military members) and such contentment I never expected. Despite having some financial concerns right now, I am confident I am right where God has me and my family. So, I give thanks to God for my career because if I was to try and do this on my own I'd not be anywhere near where I am today. By God's grace and provision I am able to provide for a family of 5 and allow my beloved to stay at home to take care of our little blessings. I have left so much out, but if I were to detail all that God has done and how He has moved in this area you all would be reading for hours. Thank you for reading this far. My verse for today... 1 Timothy 6:11-21 esv But as for you, O man of God, flee these things. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses. I charge you in the presence of God, who gives life to all things, and of Christ Jesus, who in his testimony before Pontius Pilate made the good confession, to keep the commandment unstained and free from reproach until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ, which he will display at the proper time—he who is the blessed and only Sovereign, the King of kings and Lord of lords, who alone has immortality, who dwells in unapproachable light, whom no one has ever seen or can see. To him be honor and eternal dominion. Amen. As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, nor to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy. They are to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for themselves as a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is truly life. O Timothy, guard the deposit entrusted to you. Avoid the irreverent babble and contradictions of what is falsely called “knowledge,” for by professing it some have swerved from the faith.

The Dawn of a New Day

I would like to say thank you for all who prayed for me and my family yesterday - and anytime in the past for that matter. Yesterday was a long day. Not difficult but long. What made it long was having to get the kids out of school early, get the kids all dressed up (and anyone who has children will know what a joy that can be), drive 90+ minutes to my Uncles house, then go to the funeral home for about 2 hours of a meet and greet, back to the Uncle's house for a couple more hours of family time, and then back home around midnight last night. The kids were great. No real problems with them getting rambunctious or out of hand. It was good to see some family from out of town, but getting up this morning for work. Ugh! I am worried about my Uncle though. He absolutely adored my Aunt and this has just devistated him. He was a very powerful man (and I don't want to elaborate) but to give an idea, the chapel held over 200 people and it was standing room only, and yet he feels totally alone. So far he does not want to even think about the mundane things of his life. And I can fully appreciate those thoughts. I cannot imagine what it would be like for me to lose my beloved. I believe he will be going to stay with his sons for a few days, but I am not sure. I think it might be good for him to get away from his house for a little while. Another Aunt of mine has offered to come back in a few weeks to help him go through the house etc. I have also offered him a place to stay if he needs it. I am just concerned about him. Right now he does not know the Lord Jesus as his savior, but I know he is asking some questions. My Uncle and his daughter (my cousin of course) are saved. But the rest of the family... not so much. While I'm thinking about it... The Reverend who ministered the memorial service seemed to skate around the eternity issue. Instead spoke of someone who was never critical of another (apparently there was some things this person did not know ;~) ). I know when we die we hope that people will remember us for the good things we do and say, and not the bad, but there just felt to be a falseness to the words coming from the pulpit. I have thought about when I die. I think I would like something akin toa New Orleans funeral. I know full well people will mourn, it is what we do. But I also want those to know me, and especually those whom I would call my "brothers" and "sisters" in Christ to rejoice. Throw a joyous celebration to celebrate the end to my eartly "sufferings" that I no longer have to look upon my Savior's face dimly, but in His full glory. And that it will be but a moment longer until I can rejoice around His throne with them once again. Some verses, though, did speak to me. I am going to post this Blog entry for now... but as the Lord leads I am going to 'attach' them below... My verse for today: God is our refuge and strength,a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns. The nations rage, the kingdoms totter; he utters his voice, the earth melts. The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah Come, behold the works of the Lord, how he has brought desolations on the earth. He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the chariots with fire. “Be still, and know that I am God.I will be exalted among the nations,I will be exalted in the earth!” The Lord of hosts is with us;the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah Psalm 46 esv

The End of things as we know it

This will be a very brief entry today. My Aunt (mother's sister) passed away last Thursday. Although death is never a total surprise it is still shocking when it happens. We will be taking our children to their first memorial service today. No verse, or deeper thoughts for now. But it does make you think eternity and all things truly important.

The Day After

Today I do not have a central theme to my post so it will be a collection of 'random' thougts. Carolina Panthers: First I would like to say that last nights (American) football game was painful to watch. The Seattle Seahawks completely dominated the Carolina Panthers. Jake Delhomme threw 2 interceptions in the first quarter which led to 10 points and a 0-17 lead for the Seahawks. With no real running game threat, and only one "go to" receiver it was pretty much a matter of playing out the rest of the game at that point. The final score was 14-34. Since I am not an NFL owner, general manager, let alone Coach (I have not coached American football at any level), nor have I ever played in anything other than a backyard game of football, it is my opinion that if Carolina can get another good receiver - or bring along some of the potentials in their own ranks, it would go a long way in helping this team go just as far next year. A durable running back would also do wonders. But overall I really cannot complain. There were 28 other NFL teams sitting home yesterday, they went deeper in the playoffs than the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (a division rival), they went deeper than the Jacksonville Jaguars (their expansion rival), and this was only the fourth non-losing season the Panthers have ever had. Overall a fun season for a fan. Financial Fears: Since moving to where I now live it has become apparent that I allowed myself to buy a home slight beyond what would be considered fiscally responsible. We have lived here for just under 2 years and since then we have slowly been bleeding any sort of savings that we've had. With several birthdays and my anniversary all within the last 3 months we have been hot preety hard. So much so that I had to make another withdraw from what I consider to be an 'emergency' fund. With the monthly outgo consitantly out distancing the income, I may not be able to retire from the National Guard this year as I'd hoped. I am in faith that God has me exactly where He wants me to be - and I am trying to keep my eyes open to what God would have me do. Communication Issues: Why is it that after 13 years of marriage I am still having a hard time telling my wife what is on my mind? Last night after watching a movie which we both liked (Wedding Crashers) she was telling me that she liked to hear me laugh. She then told me that she thought it would be good for me to laugh like that around my brother. There is a lot more to this story, but I do not wish to expound upon that here right now. But I do not have a lot in common with my brother right now, and he has a way of rattling on insesantly about things that basically drone my mind out. So much so that I litterally have a hard time reciting afterwards - despite my efforts thus far. Anyway, this turned into me feeling like I had to justify myself. I was flabbergasted when she asked for details and I could not come up with any. Then this morning I wanted to share with her about needing her help for something I could not bring myself to say it on the phone. It seems like the only way I can communicate with her in any detail is via written letters, and then they are received like, "not this again" - or, "haven't we already gone over this", or, "I thought we solved this". National Guard: This month I am to be promoted to Sergeant First Class, and yet I am not excited. It is a 'natural' progression in a military career and yet I find no joy in it. I want to be promoted. I feel that I can be a good platoon sergeant, but all I can think of is trying to retire this year as I will reach my 20th anniversary of joining the National Guard. In those 20 years I have been a career Guardsman. That is I have never been active Army (although I have served 1 year on active duty when we were called up after 9/11). In my time with the National Guard I have been a Military Policeman (5.5 years), and Infantryman (7.5) years, and I am currently an Artilleryman (almost 7 years now). My proudest time was as an Infantry Squad leader. My dreariest time was an MP. I have nothing against the MP Corp. It is just not my 'cup of tea'. I love being hard pressed physically and mentally as a 'grunt'. I loved having to find my way with nothing but a map and (sometimes) a compass. I loved having to overcome obsticals to achieve military objectives. I think that's why I like the game Necromunda. It is a game of combat at roughly an infantry squad level in a severe urban environment. Although I don't maintain a "love me" wall, I do have a drawer full of trinkets that only has meaning to me. But those days are now behind me. I long to be home with my family on weekends. I am tired of missing birthdays of friends and family (especially my own kids), tired of missing out on fun trips, etc. I feel spent in my willingness to serve my country. I just want to move on. I was going to do a paragraph on 'Intimate Issues', but I am not yet ready to blog those thoughts. Who knows, maybe in a few days, or weeks in the future. To those still reading - thanks. :) Todays verse: When you sit down to eat with a ruler,observe carefully what is before you, and put a knife to your throat if you are given to appetite. Do not desire his delicacies, for they are deceptive food. Do not toil to acquire wealth; be discerning enough to desist. When your eyes light on it, it is gone, for suddenly it sprouts wings, flying like an eagle toward heaven. Do not eat the bread of a man who is stingy; do not desire his delicacies, for he is like one who is inwardly calculating. “Eat and drink!” he says to you, but his heart is not with you. You will vomit up the morsels that you have eaten, and waste your pleasant words. Do not speak in the hearing of a fool, for he will despise the good sense of your words. Proverbs 23:1-9 ESV